Hey I'm writing again cause this helps me.

My heart is again, heavy today. I am very very lonely. It's been a very long time since I've been this lonely.

I think I need an exercise in gratitude. 

I have a place to live in. I can afford stupid mistakes, albeit barely scraping by, but at least there's that. I can afford to make those kinds of mistakes and I shouldn't beat myself up over them. I made the best decision that I could given the circumstances and the mental headspace that I've been in.

I can afford the medical treatment that I need and require. 

I have friends that will take time out of their day to call me and check in on me. They love me and I love them. 

I have family, even though they are far away, they support me or try their best to support me. 

I have my health. Nothing hurts and everything works. 

I have my looks. I'm not disfigured and I look decent. I'm a normal weight and young. 

I still have my youth. I have time on my hands.

I should be grateful. Life is good. 

I am grateful. Life is good. 

I own this beautiful house of mine. It's mine. 

I have the luxury of travelling and seeing people that are important to me. 

And things will be good. Things will be good. It's a beautiful sunny day. 

I can listen to music and it's beautiful. There's art and beauty in my life. 

 Talked to mom.

I want to record this moment cause I felt so connected to her.

I told her about how I felt like her love was conditional and how past events like her leaving me alone tramatized me and how I feel like I can't open up to her.

I even told her about Jaime. I asked her about her relationship with dad.

She offered to fly over. She wanted to be near me. She told me she loved me unconditionally and forever. 

She loves me forever.