I don't know if I want more from you.

But if you're not going to invest any emotions, I'm hesitant to invest any of mine. And I've been already holding them back. But it really feels like we're just going through the motions then. I did think about it more and I feel nothing a lot of the times but I'm also doing this thing where I'm amplifying your flaws in my head. It's really not healthy and I hate it.

I don't know what a good way to deal with it would be like. 

And I already feel like we're just going through the motions of being together, but it just feels like play pretend. 

And if it's so okay with you that I'm going to leave. Then, I don't know why I'm wasting my time at all? 

I want to be wanted. 

And while there's no expectations, and I don't want there to be any, it kind of seems pointless to me to invest in this at all. 

At the end of the day. I don't want to lose you. 

Maybe I wouldn't feel this way at all if we didn't go through the original time we had together. Cause now I want parts of that but not all of it. 

Maybe I'm just not the right person for you right. 

I don't think I can be very sane around you if I'm anxious and insecure. Like, I don't even like hearing your sex stories anymore. And it used to be fun. I just feel crazy and I hate feeling that. 

I think we need to set some expectations about this.

I don't think my needs are being met. I don't feel secure. I'm anxious a lot. And I keep thinking about leaving. Like all the time. I know I don't want to. And I know my emotions are being stupid because it always reverts back to shitty trauma, and my brain needs to be the one to rationalize stuff. 

I feel a lot of bodily functions first. Pressure on my heart, sweat, nausea, lump in my throat, etc. Sudden tiredness, insomnia, loss of motivation, general irritability, etc.

That leads me to know I have emotions, cause in general I'm fucking out of tune with them. My rational mind and my emotions/trauma brain run on different frequencies and I typically have a lot of problems trying to sync them up together. And ITS SO TOUGH figuring out emotions, because my trauma brain reacts to those emotions without knowing what they are. And my trauma brain is a bitch, cause she's flaky, she's reactive, she screams, she runs away and gives up, she's just all around crazy and I try my best to keep her in check and I know she means well cause all she's doing is trying to protect me.

And once I fucking figure out what my emotions/trauma brain is trying to do, and I finally root cause this bitch, that's when I try to take action. 

I'm currently at the point where I might or might not know what my trauma brain is trying to do. I'm feeling all sorts of insecurity, all kinds of anxiety, and the HUGE urge to run away from you, strong feelings about how we're very incompatible and that we are WAY too different and that I'm unable to grow with you.

So let's deal with things one at a time. Cause maybe we have different expectations of things. 

I expect you to support me. Be my fucking biggest advocate.

I expect you to communicate. Tell me about your day, tell me the highlights, tell me the low lights, tell me your plans and your future, and things you look forward to, funny interactions. Let me know about your life, let me be happy for you, let me care for you, let me be your fucking cheerleader, let me share your stress, your burdens, your interests. Tell me things that you want, and if you're not ready, tell me you're not ready. I don't want to fill in the blanks of what happens when there's a gap in communication because my idiot brain doesn't have that information. And I'll try my fucking best to do the same for you.

I expect you to always prioritize yourself. To take care of yourself first. To eat well, to exercise, to go out with your friends, to tell me when you're annoyed, tired etc. But also communicate to me about it. Tell me you're tired, tell me you need to do something because of something. 

I expect us to have fun. To kid, joke, talk shit, gossip, fuck, and play. To make the dumb and mundane and terrible things in life just a little better because having another person makes it fun.

I expect you to hold me accountable. To make sure I do the things I want to do. To build towards goals.

I expect you to be patient with me. Cause I'm also working to be a better person. 

I expect you to always want to be better. To listen with an open mind. 

I want a partner. And I don't know if you see me as such at all. 

 I should be writing down more of my life. 

Sometimes I feel like I just live day to day without any lasting effects in this world. Yet I'm not sure how to change that. How to have meaningful days. I feel like I want to make big changes yet I'm unable to.

Maybe I'm impatient and trying to jump to the end and I shouldn't be doing that. Maybe it takes day to day effort to be able to make a big change. 

Maybe I'm not marketing myself enough and I'm not being proactive enough or maybe I don't have the grit to do a lot of things.

I should check with my mortgage company to see if they are covering taxes or if that's something I have to worry about.

I don't think I prioritize the right stuff most times. 

Music heals me

 I can't describe the patterns that pop up in my head

The lilting sounds that bounce from a note to another, however arbitrary a note can be

Or sounds that exist in a jagged pattern, lacking the curves that make it beautiful

Sounds from a world of things that makes sounds

Little vibrations that change the world

Little vibrations that my bran perceives to be good for me

Pulling me out of these jagged depths

Making me whole again

 There are so many things in this world. As many as stars in the sky. 

There are billions of people in this world. Billions of topics, billions of songs, billions of books. Billions of restaurants and dishes. 

We are so miniscule and insignificant in comparison. 

Yet our lives are all consuming and we curl in our own corner of familiarity. 

Changes are scary and sudden.

You would think in a world of connectivity that loneliness would cease to exist. 

Yet it sinks us into the depths of pain. Waking up alone. Sleeping alone. Doing nothing alone. 

Having a presence around makes it better and worse at the same time. Making it unable for one to sink into work, into my own thoughts without having another person influencing it, causing eddies in the beautiful flow I've formulated for myself.

Support comes so scarce these days. Or is it because I chose to grow. 

Maybe growth and learning comes with being comfortable in a place of uncomfortablility. And I should learn to be comfortable with myself. 

It's sad. It's isolating. It's giving up the most important things in the world. Ultimately, I don't think I'll ever see the world as it is. 

I need to information to know whether or not I should invest time into certain things and relationships. Where's the balance between having enough information to decide to give up, or sticking around to see the beautiful things that would've happened. 

I'm not wise enough. 

I'm impatient. Unable to get to the end fast enough, yet dreading the end at the same time.

What a paradox.

 Hey I'm writing again cause this helps me.

My heart is again, heavy today. I am very very lonely. It's been a very long time since I've been this lonely.

I think I need an exercise in gratitude. 

I have a place to live in. I can afford stupid mistakes, albeit barely scraping by, but at least there's that. I can afford to make those kinds of mistakes and I shouldn't beat myself up over them. I made the best decision that I could given the circumstances and the mental headspace that I've been in.

I can afford the medical treatment that I need and require. 

I have friends that will take time out of their day to call me and check in on me. They love me and I love them. 

I have family, even though they are far away, they support me or try their best to support me. 

I have my health. Nothing hurts and everything works. 

I have my looks. I'm not disfigured and I look decent. I'm a normal weight and young. 

I still have my youth. I have time on my hands.

I should be grateful. Life is good. 

I am grateful. Life is good. 

I own this beautiful house of mine. It's mine. 

I have the luxury of travelling and seeing people that are important to me. 

And things will be good. Things will be good. It's a beautiful sunny day. 

I can listen to music and it's beautiful. There's art and beauty in my life. 

 Talked to mom.

I want to record this moment cause I felt so connected to her.

I told her about how I felt like her love was conditional and how past events like her leaving me alone tramatized me and how I feel like I can't open up to her.

I even told her about Jaime. I asked her about her relationship with dad.

She offered to fly over. She wanted to be near me. She told me she loved me unconditionally and forever. 

She loves me forever.

In a world where I kiss you first

Salted butter on sourdough bread. Feeling the rich creaminess of the butter and the tanginess of the bread cutting through the smooth fat.

Us sitting on the couch, the living room illuminated by the glow of Westworld, the sounds of galloping horses and gunshots filling up the room. Our knees touching, tingling, enjoying the warmth radiating off of each other. 

There's a stiffness in my movements. Hesitation in the air. Uncertainty. 

What if I kissed you? 

What if I grabbed your face in my hands and run my fingers through your hair? 

If I put my body on yours and tasted the warmth of your breath, the remnants of cold butter on warm sourdough. 

If I let my insecurities go? Would you want me more? Would I want you less? 

The insurmountable relief when you took my hand and intertwined your fingers through it. The familiarity and the ritual of the chase. The feeling of acceptance that swarmed over me. My feelings weren't unrequited. 

Thank you.

For kissing me.