I am scared with the state of this world as of now. 

I am sitting at home in Lake Edge, it is 4am in the morning and I'm up working with a cup of coffee and some good tunes. 

Just read an article on policies that are happening in the US. At this point Musk is creating the Department of Government Efficiency and Trump is instigating a trade war. 

This scares me. Entirely due to the unpredictability of things. While I often thrive in unpredictability, the next year scares me a lot. A lot of the unpredictability that I thrive in is expected unpredictability. I am only allowed to thrive in it because it is a calculated risk and I depend on the predictability of other things to allow the unpredictable. 

I am still anxious about my job. I am anxious about the state of the world. I'm eager to return back to the states entirely cause I'm trying hard to get back into my routine. I want to go for a run. 

I'm debating coming home. Home is cushy and nice. I worry about my loved ones here. I worry that I don't have enough time to spend with them. I worry that my life flashes too fast, and I already feel like it's flashing. I want to hug my dog, let her know that I'm me and that she doesn't need to worry. I want to have late night talks with my brother and my mom, debating everything and nothing. I want to have somber, quiet time with my dad over breakfast, talking about the economy of the world and other interesting things. I want to listen to my cousins yap over their lives, play games with my friends, live life with them. 

I think this is the first time I have felt so so strongly in my gut about this. 

I think I will look into what my options would be. 

 Okay. 

I am stressed out about my job. I think I am not good enough and I am scared to ask. I am so scared to ask for things and I really need a job that is in person. I love this job though but it's hard for me to consistently push myself out of my comfort zone. 

I don't know what I should do at this point. 

I feel extremely stressed because I think I am not good enough. I don't know a lot of things and I feel like I don't remember a lot of things. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to ask cause it makes me feel like I'm bothering people and I forget what they've told me.