Birtydah

It's my birthday again, can't believe a year has passed entirely. 

I am actually really happy with life right now.

It's been a while since I said that. 

I love the people around me. Grateful for all the love these guys have for me.

 I am writing again. 

Today I received a notification that I had a package. And I think my nervous system went shot. Somehow, the idea of losing the last little bit of you made me so sad. I had dreams of you. I thought of you. I thought of 

I thought the package was from you. 

I forgotten about this entirely but I checked our shared album. You had already left. I didn't even know this. The little stone in me sank a little lower. 

Everything feels a little heavy today.

I got coffee and checked with Raudy on the packages and they were actually for Clarisse. I didn't feel more relieved however. 

The little stone is still there. 

 I am realizing that a lot of my grief comes just not knowing myself enough. 

I don't want to be my dad. I don't want to be my dad being scared of things. I don't know how to be a person. I am filled with so much grief and doubt. I don't think I'm ever really okay. I move and I do things and I meet people and they are all seemingly band aids to a hole inside me. 

I think I am perhaps depressed. 

What a new development. 

Somehow I feel so apathetic. I don't feel much for people anymore. I don't know what to do with this. 

I think I never spent my life ever thinking about a future with anybody. I never spent any time dreaming about what my future should look like. I don't know my values and I think I spend my life assuming that things will fall into place. And for the majority of it, it has. I think it has gotten to a point where I think I don't know anymore.