-

 I am realizing that a lot of my grief comes just not knowing myself enough. 

I don't want to be my dad. I don't want to be my dad being scared of things. I don't know how to be a person. I am filled with so much grief and doubt. I don't think I'm ever really okay. I move and I do things and I meet people and they are all seemingly band aids to a hole inside me. 

I think I am perhaps depressed. 

What a new development. 

Somehow I feel so apathetic. I don't feel much for people anymore. I don't know what to do with this. 

I think I never spent my life ever thinking about a future with anybody. I never spent any time dreaming about what my future should look like. I don't know my values and I think I spend my life assuming that things will fall into place. And for the majority of it, it has. I think it has gotten to a point where I think I don't know anymore.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Bucket List

-
Found this article somewhere and I'm copying it to paste here. Last year a man’s life came to an end. As the man was lifted to the heavens, St. Peter met him at the pearly white gates and said, “You’ve been a good, honest man… so you’ve made the cut for Heaven.  And just so you know, Heaven is freaking sweet.  There’s everything you could hope for… all the food you want without gaining any weight, all the games you want to play and adventures you want to go on and awesome people to hang out with all day long. There’s only one rule…”St Peter then points behind him to a shiny, red door with gold trim and says, “You must NOT go through that door… regardless of what the circumstances are.  NEVER go in there.  Okay?” The man says, ‘Okay.’ And makes his way through the gates into heaven. For the first month he’s having a blast… eating great food and hanging out with amazing people.  But after a few weeks… he gets curious.  “What could possibly be beh...
Read more
-
I don't know what I want to do in life. I think I am a drifter by nature. The life where I settle down in one place might just never and won't happen.  I like living in different places. Maybe I'm just destined to live in many places in my life. I don't know what to do. While I feel as though time just slips through my fingers, somehow I'm unable to do the things I want to do, yet I'm doing all the things that I don't want to do. My to-do list keeps piling up everyday. And with each day that I work, I'm unable to find the energy to do anything anymore.  I keep thinking I just need more time, but maybe that's not it. Maybe I lack the organization to do things. Or maybe I just lack the energy in general.  I want to be good-good in algorithms. Having enough tools in my tool kit such that I'm able to have a concept or at least an idea of how I'm supposed to do problems. Being able to visualize and understand problems in a way that I never was abl...
Read more

Back at it again

-
It seems as though I love to procrastinate. This is evidenced by the fact that I’m supposed to study for my optimization midterms; the final exam of my undergraduate life, and hopefully not my last exam for life. I say that because I hope to further my education one day, but not immediately. Ain’t nobody got that kind of time and money. Money especially. Can’t subject my parents to another 2 years of working to the bone to support their leeching child. I say that, yet I’m so worried about everything. I’m worried I can’t find a job. I’m worried I’ll find a job and regret it. I’m worried that people don’t think me as impressive. I’m worried I’ll die and all I can claim to contribute to this society is nothing. I never intend to have kids, so the only thing I can do to leave a legacy is through my work. I’m worried I’m not doing enough. I beat myself up for any day that I don’t achieve everything on my to-do list. Sometimes I think I just shouldn’t do to-do lists because they str...
Read more