You never give up on the American dream, giving up would be un-American.

I've lived with the constant struggle of being in between worlds. Do I go home? Do I stay here in the United States? What have I worked my whole life for? What do I want to save my money up for? If I had all the time and money in the world, what would I do?

Do I strive for the white picket fence? The house in the suburbs. Drinking beer and grilling out on summer nights. The shoveling of snow of the driveway. The neatly trimmed lawn. The family dog.

I want to travel. I want to walk the plains where wild bison roam. I want to watch the sunset over the mountains. I want to see it color the sky pink and orange. I want to breathe the cold fresh air that invigorates my lungs. I want to sit by the water and watch it ripple. I want to see snow-capped mountains.

I also want the grind. The hustle and bustle of the city. The feeling of being small in between the tall buildings. The night lights. The sense of purpose of people that walk around me. To watch people living the life that they are living. Couples on dates, couples fighting, children playing, people walking dogs.

I also want to be home. Feeling the love of my parents. My grandmother. My siblings. My family. I want to come home to dinners. I want to read while my father blasts 80's hits on the stereo. Smelling the scent of newspapers and coffees on the back patio. The quaint tiny house that is always too noisy, too small.

Why can't I have it all?

Justin,

It's Sunday today, and I've always love Sundays with you. I was thinking about the plants in our little garden bed. I was wondering how they were doing. Are they big and blooming? Are the vegetables ready to eat? Do we have onions and potatoes under the soil? I was thinking about us going to the dog park in the morning with Dany. I like Sundays with you, they were always a mixture of productivity and lazing around. I hated spending the summer apart from you. But what to do, life tore us apart.

 I was thinking about you moving next week. You'll be moving out of the little house we've called our home. I'm thinking of those little plants. They'll be cut down by the next tenant. Oh that breaks my heart.

I miss us so much.

Justin,

I miss you so much. In good and bad ways. I miss telling you about my day and complaining about various scenarios while you listen and nod your head. I don't have anybody to talk about my day no more. Nobody cares.

I miss sitting on the couch with you in our beautiful apartment. The one we made into our home. Our idiotic fish, our insanely intelligent and cowardly dog, the statement wall, the kitchen with all the plants, and of course our absent roommate. I miss cuddling in bed, feeling warm and wanted and loved.

I was thinking about the one time you had jury duty, and you picked me up at Holos to have lunch with you at Willy Street. It's weird that whenever I spend time with you, I get into this floaty state, where reality isn't real anymore.

I also think of you. I saw a picture of Jeanette today since it's Allison's birthday, and all I could think of was you wanting to date her. She looked hot. I felt a pang of hate towards you again. I was thinking where else in the world that we could move so I won't see any of your weird exes, and guess what, it was nowhere in the world. Perhaps New Zealand.

I know we had something good. But I need to work on myself and you do too. I hate the fact that I have stuff at your place, that our lives were once that intertwined. And I also miss that too.

I secretly hope that one day we'll end up together, that we both meet again at the right place and the right time. I'm sorry for every negative emotion that I have evoked in you. Good night.

Thought I would write a bit. I haven't been in the best place.

I broke it off with Justin. He refuses to let go, which makes things so much more complicated since he's always an option for me. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt anybody other than myself. I can't deal with that.

Went to a therapist today. She suggested that I try medication. I don't know if I should. On the one hand, it's less work for me. It's a magic pill that'll make me a happier person, a functional member of society, on the other, who am I without it? What is my identity without it?

I talked about killing myself. I don't think I've ever talked about it. But Justin, it has to do with you.

Do you know I still put you down as my emergency contact? It's as though I can't believe you're out of my life. I KNOW I need you out of my life. I depend on you and I should not. You're not responsible for my life. And I hate the fact that I don't think I can live without you. You're so toxic to me.

Do you know how nice the piece of glass feels against my skin? For the longest time, it was the only thing I was in control of. I hate you, you've put me in that situation. And after countless times of talking to you, I still feel dead inside. I hate you. I love you. The pain felt good, it indicated that I was alive. And I haven't felt that way for a long time. In fact, after this, I'm going to run a blade across my skin just to feel something.

Day 2

I hate you more today.

Again, I see you in everything around me.

I keep imagining some girl, hotter than me, the same race as me, big tits and all bouncing on your cock.

I keep imagining some girl going down on you and you doing the thing you do when it gets good.

I have more scenarios in my head where you do increasingly unspeakable things. 

I hate you.

You've hurt me so much throughout the time we dated. There's so much resentment that I have towards you. I wished we never met. 

I almost feel as though I should go out and hurt you the way you've hurt me to make me feel better, to make me feel in control again. 

I hate you.

Day 1

Everything around me reminds me of you.

I miss your texts throughout the day.

I miss your generosity, I miss your hugs, I miss your smell, I miss you loving me.

I miss your wholehearted support of all the stupid and whimsical things I decide to do.

I miss living together, I miss coming home to you. I miss you coming home to me. I miss sitting on the couch and watching tv at the end of the day, or just a Sunday afternoon.

I miss dressing up and going out with you. I miss winter nights where we walk in the snow. I miss going to the dog park on weekends and farmer’s markets in the spring.

I miss making dinner with you. I miss you complimenting my cooking even though it sucks.

I miss going to Home Depot together to pick up things for all our random projects. I miss going to the grocery store with you.

I miss you taking care of me when I’m down. That takes a lot out of you and out of me.

I’m sorry for everything that happened. I really need this and I really appreciate all you’ve done for me. I’m glad you’re letting go. I love you and I miss you.

Journaling

Guess my resolution to write more hasn't panned out eh?

I'm worried that one day I'll wake up and look back at my life and regret it. I'll regret not being happy every single day. I'll regret that I've filled my life with seeking fulfillment and missing out on life itself. I worry that I haven't touched enough lives of people. I worry that the emptiness inside me will never be filled. I worry that I'll always only ever envy the lives of other people and never seeing the beautiness of my own. 

I worry that every second I spend not being on the path to making myself happy, that it would make or break my future.

I've spent this weekend alone and I do nothing but think. Thinking is so fucking detrimental to me. Every second that I spend thinking, I just increase my anxiety. I should really get around to hiring a therapist.