Over judgey

 I think I tend to divert back to being judgey and mean when I am not confident. I think mainly because it's a good defense mechanicsm from when I was younger. Gossiping and judging was a very good teenaage trait to have. It would immediately gain you friends. 

I do think I'm inherently not like so tho. Which is very frustrating. I don't want to be a mean and judgey person, but when I'm not confident, I become so, and then that diminishes my confidence even more. 

I don't tend to listen too much and that becomes something I regret too. 

I do think I am too hard on myself. I am inherently thinking that everybody judges me too, and I don't know if that's necessarily true. 

It scares me that people do. It's hard to be myself and I'm not even too sure who I am as a person anymore. 

I miss feeling self assured. I don't know. Some days I feel immensely so, and some days my confidence is really at a all time low. I don't know what gives me confidence. Friends do but it's so hit and miss so many days. 

Ah I think I feel inherently shit cause I think I hurt Matt's feelings. It's also really shitty when I accidentally hurt people's feelings with the truth. He overdid a bit but when I highlighted that it gave people the wrong impression cause he took the bit too far, I think he got hurt. But I think it wasn't really bad other than, hey you talk about this a lot. I guess it inherently implies that it's too much but I don't know. Feedback maybe is really bad if people don't want it but I think my point was more like, the bit is taken a little bit too far cause it gave me the wrong impression. 

I want them to like me. 

 I am tired.

I don't know how and why. 

I don't even know what I need anymore. I think I am just overwhelmed with everything and anything. Nothing really helps. And it's never ending. I want to leave badly. 

I just want a break. 

I think this is the plan. 

Right now, it's the end of March. I am already halfway done with my 401k account. I will be fully done by the end of June, which means I could technically quit end of June. Another stock vest would be on August 2025 and my final stock vest would November 2025. 

I would need to finish my taxes soon. That should be done this weekend hopefully. Looks like I am very very cash poor. I think I really need a financial plan to take a break for a bit. 

Maybe I should also drill down on why I feel as burnt out as I do. I think my apartment's a mess. I probably have anxiety just due to having loads of stuff just everywhere. 

And maybe Clarisse is right. I should just be writing lists. Just tons and tons of lists. 

1. Make financial plan

2. Do taxes

3. Clean apartment - storage coming on April 1st 

4. Fix linkedinqueens - want to make it autoscrape. 

5. Close out all the ICMs

 I am tired. 

I just want and long to be held. 

I am so tired. I want to just lie down and do nothing. 

Time passes so so fast. In a blink of an eye it's already March. It passes by so fast and so slow at the same time.  

I think I am present yet not at the same time. 

I am scared. 

Time feels like it's slipping through my fingers and I don't know what to do. 

 I am scared with the state of this world as of now. 

I am sitting at home in Lake Edge, it is 4am in the morning and I'm up working with a cup of coffee and some good tunes. 

Just read an article on policies that are happening in the US. At this point Musk is creating the Department of Government Efficiency and Trump is instigating a trade war. 

This scares me. Entirely due to the unpredictability of things. While I often thrive in unpredictability, the next year scares me a lot. A lot of the unpredictability that I thrive in is expected unpredictability. I am only allowed to thrive in it because it is a calculated risk and I depend on the predictability of other things to allow the unpredictable. 

I am still anxious about my job. I am anxious about the state of the world. I'm eager to return back to the states entirely cause I'm trying hard to get back into my routine. I want to go for a run. 

I'm debating coming home. Home is cushy and nice. I worry about my loved ones here. I worry that I don't have enough time to spend with them. I worry that my life flashes too fast, and I already feel like it's flashing. I want to hug my dog, let her know that I'm me and that she doesn't need to worry. I want to have late night talks with my brother and my mom, debating everything and nothing. I want to have somber, quiet time with my dad over breakfast, talking about the economy of the world and other interesting things. I want to listen to my cousins yap over their lives, play games with my friends, live life with them. 

I think this is the first time I have felt so so strongly in my gut about this. 

I think I will look into what my options would be. 

 Okay. 

I am stressed out about my job. I think I am not good enough and I am scared to ask. I am so scared to ask for things and I really need a job that is in person. I love this job though but it's hard for me to consistently push myself out of my comfort zone. 

I don't know what I should do at this point. 

I feel extremely stressed because I think I am not good enough. I don't know a lot of things and I feel like I don't remember a lot of things. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to ask cause it makes me feel like I'm bothering people and I forget what they've told me. 

 I think I might have to resign myself to the fact that maybe I really am not an organized person and will never be one. 

I think I might be trying to hard to somebody that I am not at this point and that's making me unhappy. 

Talked to mom and she mentioned that if my priority in New York is to have experiences, then I should go and have experiences, and everything should come secondary. That is kind of eye opening. I think I have been anxious to start a life and to build up towards things and maybe I should just take things on the cheek and chill out. 

My Lucky puppy is so so old. She's a little bag of bones and my heart hurts. I think I want to just give her love and take a lot of videos and pictures. I think that's what I want to do anyways. Just be present and experience life. 

Cyndi and Alan are coming tomorrow and I'm excited to show them around. I am excited to see all my old friends from Seattle to. 

I have a lot I want to do, lot's to document and lot's to learn from. I am going to try my best and I think I can look back years later and just rejoice that I tried. 

I want to run a half marathon this year. Gain some weight, make new friends, and just have new experiences and be better at the skills that I have picked up in Seattle. Climbing, pottery, running, writing, reading and then do things like going to museums and broadway shows and eating food. 

Speaking of, I should probably just make a list. I think being Type A or, attempting and planning things would make me a lot happier. 

New York is suiting me a lot better

 I don't know if it's having a roommate, or just New York is looking well on me, but I have been so happy and productive here. Sure, there are things that I dislike, but overall I am more positive and happy. Life is looking so amazing. 

Few goals for the year:

I want to document more. Document the journeys I have been on and I can document them after the fact. Dredge up videos, pictures, romanticize and make my own little journals. 

I want to cook more.

Run more. 

Get fitter. 

Work more. 

Build more

Be with family

Be with friends

Find a partner.