New York is suiting me a lot better

 I don't know if it's having a roommate, or just New York is looking well on me, but I have been so happy and productive here. Sure, there are things that I dislike, but overall I am more positive and happy. Life is looking so amazing. 

Few goals for the year:

I want to document more. Document the journeys I have been on and I can document them after the fact. Dredge up videos, pictures, romanticize and make my own little journals. 

I want to cook more.

Run more. 

Get fitter. 

Work more. 

Build more

Be with family

Be with friends

Find a partner. 

 It's surprising how suddenly, one day, everything is okay. 

I'm writing down some things that friends have told me that warms my heart. 

Somebody said I have a sort of je ne sais quoi, that quality that attracts people without trying. That people want to talk to me and love to talk to me and while I'm not unattractive, it's not physical attractiveness. 

Somebody told me that people just like me, that I bring people together. That if I were going to a party, it would make other people go. People would go to parties and gatherings just cause I am there. 

Another person backed that up at a different time, that if I were going to a party, they would definitely want to go if I were there. 

Somebody told me that it was so easy to talk to me and that that really doesn't happen often in their lives. And that they especially enjoyed all their one-on-one time with me. 

Somebody told me, that they would meet multiple people every week and that it would take them months to meet somebody like me. 

Maybe a little racial, but somebody said I am the first Asian girl they would want to date. Okay, I don't know how I feel about that but at the moment it felt good. 

I think I have been too hard on myself. Everything is okay. 

I am the work of art

 I never used to think that posting on social media and romanticizing my life would be it. I always thought that that was attention seeking and painful to watch for other people.

But now the older I get, the more I think I should romanticize my life. I like art. I look at people's pottery, people's artwork and I marvel at the work that they are. 

But now I think that I should be the work of art. Everything that I touch should be beautiful. I think that caring is the secret to happiness. I used to be so angsty, thinking that not caring is the key to happiness, that I won't get rejected. That if I can't get rejected, that I would feel good in myself. 

The thing is I already know this. 

I also need to be good at being rejected. And knowing when to cut my losses when I am being rejected instead of pushing on for things. 

Anyway. Can't wait for New York! To start putting in effort into myself a bit more. To workout, look pretty, dress nice, curate a life for myself. 

 I think Jaime makes me sad. 

He makes me feel insecure and sad. 

I want distance more probably. I don't even know what I want. 

I want things from him that he is unable to give me. So, maybe I'm delusional. I think I'm definitely delusional.

Time is passing so slow these two days. 

I think I have some thing inside me that feels bad and I don't know why. 

It's probably the hangover and I will feel a lot better when I have had food and friends with me. I go through these intense feelings and I don't know what triggers them. I think seeing text messages in regards to Jaime is the trigger for a lot of pain. I also hate how he lies to my face. He lies and he lies.

I think I need time to cool down. I am angry and hurt and sad. 

 I think talking to my mom stresses me out. 

I don't know why they frustrate me so much. 

I feel very distant from my family. I think I rely on Jaime a lot but I should slowly wean off of him. I think he already has people that he leans on, so I probably should not lean on him as much. 

It is hard to move on when we still see each other so much. 

 I think I very occasionally feel depressed. Nowadays it's good as I'm able to get distracted and move on. I think I really really need to work in person because I was literally feeling so crappy and a short conversation with Pratyusha was able to make me feel so much better. 

I am sick today. Have a really bad sore throat and a fever. Which is really rare cause I never get sick. I feel like a baby. I want to be pampered and made to feel good. 

 I think my thoughts are a lot clearer today so I want to write them down. 

I think the portion of shame that comes is that I feel like maybe I don't deserve a relationship. That something must be wrong with me. Why does nobody want me to be their partner. I want to be somebody's partner. Also, why I hyper fixate so badly on Jaime. He has indicated and gave me mixed signals that he wants me. He is amazing and wonderful. Sure, we were really bad together. And the more I pause and think, I know that we were bad together. Yet. Am I the problem. Why am I so unlovable. 

Am I a good partner in life? 

If a friend of mine said that. 

You guys just weren't good together. He couldn't love you the way that you wanted him to. And you walked on eggshells constantly. You didn't feel supported by him. You wasted the past 2 years on this relationship. Let's not waste more time on this anymore. You are loved by so many. You are attractive, have a good personality (Do I have a good personality? You don't know anymore) and you are smart and capable. There is no reason you wouldn't find somebody that suits you better. The more time you spend groveling about this, the more time you waste on not finding somebody that is a better match for you. 

Jaime was amazing. Yes. But he likely will be amazing for somebody else. He didn't have the emotional capacity to be the person you needed. He admitted that and you know that. You like the idea of him. And understandably, you love him. You love him so much. He is also worthy of finding a love that won't make him feel as badly as he does. He needs somebody that is emotionally stable the way that you aren't.