I think Jaime makes me sad. 

He makes me feel insecure and sad. 

I want distance more probably. I don't even know what I want. 

I want things from him that he is unable to give me. So, maybe I'm delusional. I think I'm definitely delusional.

Time is passing so slow these two days. 

I think I have some thing inside me that feels bad and I don't know why. 

It's probably the hangover and I will feel a lot better when I have had food and friends with me. I go through these intense feelings and I don't know what triggers them. I think seeing text messages in regards to Jaime is the trigger for a lot of pain. I also hate how he lies to my face. He lies and he lies.

I think I need time to cool down. I am angry and hurt and sad. 

 I think talking to my mom stresses me out. 

I don't know why they frustrate me so much. 

I feel very distant from my family. I think I rely on Jaime a lot but I should slowly wean off of him. I think he already has people that he leans on, so I probably should not lean on him as much. 

It is hard to move on when we still see each other so much. 

 I think I very occasionally feel depressed. Nowadays it's good as I'm able to get distracted and move on. I think I really really need to work in person because I was literally feeling so crappy and a short conversation with Pratyusha was able to make me feel so much better. 

I am sick today. Have a really bad sore throat and a fever. Which is really rare cause I never get sick. I feel like a baby. I want to be pampered and made to feel good. 

 I think my thoughts are a lot clearer today so I want to write them down. 

I think the portion of shame that comes is that I feel like maybe I don't deserve a relationship. That something must be wrong with me. Why does nobody want me to be their partner. I want to be somebody's partner. Also, why I hyper fixate so badly on Jaime. He has indicated and gave me mixed signals that he wants me. He is amazing and wonderful. Sure, we were really bad together. And the more I pause and think, I know that we were bad together. Yet. Am I the problem. Why am I so unlovable. 

Am I a good partner in life? 

If a friend of mine said that. 

You guys just weren't good together. He couldn't love you the way that you wanted him to. And you walked on eggshells constantly. You didn't feel supported by him. You wasted the past 2 years on this relationship. Let's not waste more time on this anymore. You are loved by so many. You are attractive, have a good personality (Do I have a good personality? You don't know anymore) and you are smart and capable. There is no reason you wouldn't find somebody that suits you better. The more time you spend groveling about this, the more time you waste on not finding somebody that is a better match for you. 

Jaime was amazing. Yes. But he likely will be amazing for somebody else. He didn't have the emotional capacity to be the person you needed. He admitted that and you know that. You like the idea of him. And understandably, you love him. You love him so much. He is also worthy of finding a love that won't make him feel as badly as he does. He needs somebody that is emotionally stable the way that you aren't. 

 Your'e not lonely boy. 

I hate my heart reaching out for you so much. I can still feel your skin lingering on mine. The warmth. Your smell. Intoxicating. 

I love you so much. Your touch is comforting. I just feel myself getting drawn to you over and over again. I tell myself you're bad for me. Cause you are. My brain gets so jumbled around you. We are not good together. We really weren't good together. You're a great person but oh my god. 

Pretty as a pair

Your hands held as I stare

As my heart longs for you right there

People have warned me 

Do I feel lonely or do I really want you

Is it love or is it fear of life

Is it obsession or is it love

At any rate. Many things make me think about my ex. And subsequently makes me feel lonely and stuck in a rut and that nobody loves me. 

I know it's not true but then and there, alone in my house. It makes me feel so desperate. 

I don't know. Maybe it's PMS. 

 Being creative is so hard. 

I think one of my life goals is to be a published author. So I think I'm also going to start working on that. I think the goal is the end of my twenties, I should have published a book. 

I think I used to write so much as a kid. Nearly every day, every week, I would be writing something. 

I still write. Of course. But I think I've evolved to have some sort of judgement towards the things that I have written. 

There is a month in between pottery classes for me. I think I should start working on writing a novel within that period. 

I think I had a bucket list somewhere stored when I was a kid. I think running a marathon was one of them. Moving to New York was one of them. As well as being a published author. Now, one of my goals is to also be a competitive programmer as well as learn Spanish fluently. I think I also want to learn how to play chess well enough to win at least ONE game. Thanks to my ex haha. 

I don't think I'll change the world anymore. Although, I am really more confident in my abilities as time as gone by. I think I'm the most confident that I have been in a very long time. I think I know myself so well now. I didn't think I would survive until today. If I'm being honest. I think I spent a lot of my life thinking about death and how I would die so early. Turns out I haven't died early. Let me take a peek of that bucket list. 

You know what's weird. I found that bucket list. And having children was one of the items on that list. Yeah. It hits me kind of hard somehow. I think, until the end, I don't know if Jaime ever believed me about it and it makes me kind of sad. 

Lots of the things that I have written are probably not applicable anymore. I don't think I want to go to Tomorrowland or drive a Beetle. I do not want to go on any more roadtrips, esp not one from LA to NYC. I'm too old for that. But some are still relevant. Let me write an updated bucket list. 

On the bright side. Looking at some of the old entries that I have written in here. I think I have matured a LOT as a person. I don't think I dislike my parents the way that I did back then. I think I have figured out how to get along with them. Also, thank goodness, I stopped writing all UWU style. 

1. Run a full marathon
2. Backpack around Europe
3. Backpack around Asia
4. Write and record a song (I will settle for just putting a song on SoundCloud/Spotify)
5. Fly a plane
6. Learn a foreign language
7. Write and publish a book (will settle for self-publishing)
8. Move to New York City
9. Do a stand-up routine set (will settle for open mic)
10. Win a game of chess
11. Win a competitive programming competition

I think this is small enough to achieve. Let's go baby.