I am tired.
I just want and long to be held.
I am so tired. I want to just lie down and do nothing.
Time passes so so fast. In a blink of an eye it's already March. It passes by so fast and so slow at the same time.
I think I am present yet not at the same time.
I am scared.
Time feels like it's slipping through my fingers and I don't know what to do.
I am scared with the state of this world as of now.
I am sitting at home in Lake Edge, it is 4am in the morning and I'm up working with a cup of coffee and some good tunes.
Just read an article on policies that are happening in the US. At this point Musk is creating the Department of Government Efficiency and Trump is instigating a trade war.
This scares me. Entirely due to the unpredictability of things. While I often thrive in unpredictability, the next year scares me a lot. A lot of the unpredictability that I thrive in is expected unpredictability. I am only allowed to thrive in it because it is a calculated risk and I depend on the predictability of other things to allow the unpredictable.
I am still anxious about my job. I am anxious about the state of the world. I'm eager to return back to the states entirely cause I'm trying hard to get back into my routine. I want to go for a run.
I'm debating coming home. Home is cushy and nice. I worry about my loved ones here. I worry that I don't have enough time to spend with them. I worry that my life flashes too fast, and I already feel like it's flashing. I want to hug my dog, let her know that I'm me and that she doesn't need to worry. I want to have late night talks with my brother and my mom, debating everything and nothing. I want to have somber, quiet time with my dad over breakfast, talking about the economy of the world and other interesting things. I want to listen to my cousins yap over their lives, play games with my friends, live life with them.
I think this is the first time I have felt so so strongly in my gut about this.
I think I will look into what my options would be.
Okay.
I am stressed out about my job. I think I am not good enough and I am scared to ask. I am so scared to ask for things and I really need a job that is in person. I love this job though but it's hard for me to consistently push myself out of my comfort zone.
I don't know what I should do at this point.
I feel extremely stressed because I think I am not good enough. I don't know a lot of things and I feel like I don't remember a lot of things. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to ask cause it makes me feel like I'm bothering people and I forget what they've told me.
I think I might have to resign myself to the fact that maybe I really am not an organized person and will never be one.
I think I might be trying to hard to somebody that I am not at this point and that's making me unhappy.
Talked to mom and she mentioned that if my priority in New York is to have experiences, then I should go and have experiences, and everything should come secondary. That is kind of eye opening. I think I have been anxious to start a life and to build up towards things and maybe I should just take things on the cheek and chill out.
My Lucky puppy is so so old. She's a little bag of bones and my heart hurts. I think I want to just give her love and take a lot of videos and pictures. I think that's what I want to do anyways. Just be present and experience life.
Cyndi and Alan are coming tomorrow and I'm excited to show them around. I am excited to see all my old friends from Seattle to.
I have a lot I want to do, lot's to document and lot's to learn from. I am going to try my best and I think I can look back years later and just rejoice that I tried.
I want to run a half marathon this year. Gain some weight, make new friends, and just have new experiences and be better at the skills that I have picked up in Seattle. Climbing, pottery, running, writing, reading and then do things like going to museums and broadway shows and eating food.
Speaking of, I should probably just make a list. I think being Type A or, attempting and planning things would make me a lot happier.
I don't know if it's having a roommate, or just New York is looking well on me, but I have been so happy and productive here. Sure, there are things that I dislike, but overall I am more positive and happy. Life is looking so amazing.
Few goals for the year:
I want to document more. Document the journeys I have been on and I can document them after the fact. Dredge up videos, pictures, romanticize and make my own little journals.
I want to cook more.
Run more.
Get fitter.
Work more.
Build more
Be with family
Be with friends
Find a partner.
It's surprising how suddenly, one day, everything is okay.
I'm writing down some things that friends have told me that warms my heart.
Somebody said I have a sort of je ne sais quoi, that quality that attracts people without trying. That people want to talk to me and love to talk to me and while I'm not unattractive, it's not physical attractiveness.
Somebody told me that people just like me, that I bring people together. That if I were going to a party, it would make other people go. People would go to parties and gatherings just cause I am there.
Another person backed that up at a different time, that if I were going to a party, they would definitely want to go if I were there.
Somebody told me that it was so easy to talk to me and that that really doesn't happen often in their lives. And that they especially enjoyed all their one-on-one time with me.
Somebody told me, that they would meet multiple people every week and that it would take them months to meet somebody like me.
Maybe a little racial, but somebody said I am the first Asian girl they would want to date. Okay, I don't know how I feel about that but at the moment it felt good.
I think I have been too hard on myself. Everything is okay.
I never used to think that posting on social media and romanticizing my life would be it. I always thought that that was attention seeking and painful to watch for other people.
But now the older I get, the more I think I should romanticize my life. I like art. I look at people's pottery, people's artwork and I marvel at the work that they are.
But now I think that I should be the work of art. Everything that I touch should be beautiful. I think that caring is the secret to happiness. I used to be so angsty, thinking that not caring is the key to happiness, that I won't get rejected. That if I can't get rejected, that I would feel good in myself.
The thing is I already know this.
I also need to be good at being rejected. And knowing when to cut my losses when I am being rejected instead of pushing on for things.
Anyway. Can't wait for New York! To start putting in effort into myself a bit more. To workout, look pretty, dress nice, curate a life for myself.