Listening to Glass Animals now, and they've got me feeling a certain kind of way. 

I think the key to everything is consistency, and unfortunately, I suffer from the lack of discipline and consistency. 

Listening to Helium by Glass Animals, I would describe it as dreamy, makes me think of Sunday mornings, cup of coffee and a book, I guess I would categorize it as futuristic too, somewhat ethereal.

I'm trying to learn how to appreciate art. The feelings and emotions that artists are trying to convey with notes. It's weird how certain frequencies are able to evoke memories and feelings in people. 

I think I just humans really fascinating. The things that we come up with. The abstractness of ideas that we seemingly seem to grasp.

I'm wondering if my dear pup Barry would ever learn the things that we do. Like the fucking monetary system. I bet it blows his mind the things I do to create money and using money to exchange for things instead. In Barry's brain, he sees it, he wants it, he takes it. 

Sounds condescending. But he's a dog.  

 I think I know what to do.

I think I want to be an entertainer. I think I want to stand in front of crowds. I think I want to perform. I want to create music that is listened to by millions. 

I want to create stories that bring people to places. Make people feel emotions. Make people reminisce. 

I want to have my works of art enjoyed by people. 

I think I want to create. 

I think I found my hobby.

100 days of writing

 I want to start off by doing a hundred days of writing.

I think I might be able to replace a therapist with writing and I want to see if writing consistently will help with my mental health and maybe provide me with a creative outlet so that my life doesn't seem so depressing and sad.

I've slowly come to the conclusion that my life is just... mundane. I wake up and I walk the dog, I go to work, I struggle at work, I talk to my coworkers, I get off work and rinse and repeat. And hey here's the weekend, I'll do my laundry, meal prep, clean the house, and oops it's Monday again. 

And here's the thing. There's always chores to do, to make me feel inadequate all the fucking time. 

Maybe I grew up in a generation whereby we expect instant gratification, and hence I just get bored easily with everything and anything.

Some ideas on what to do with my spare time:

Reviewing TV shows

Barry reviews toys

Reviewing Books

Reaction Videos to things

 I guess I should write.

I can't stand Barry sometimes. I think all parents think that of their children. Especially smelly, dependent, teenage children who can't communicate. He's sweet now that he's sleepy and sleeping. He's especially cute when he finds a new toy. I just can't deal with the garbage eating, leash pulling, human jumping version of him. 

I love him a lot, but I'm coming to realize that he takes up a lot of my time.

The imposter syndrome is super real. I can't help feeling totally helpless. I hate my task. I don't want to talk to people! I hate feeling stupid and I hate asking questions, and I hate that when people explain them to me I don't know what the flying fuck they are talking about. And I don't think I'm good at expressing that this style of teaching is making me super uncomfortable and I doubt that I'll ever learn anything cause I'm good at learning things while I do them and not like that.

The expectations of me aren't lined up well. I should just talk to Lynn someday.

This is making me stressed out at work. Not knowing fucking anything. 

It's making me dread working. I really. Hate. This feeling. The feeling of not being able to take a break. The feeling of being my own person. The feeling of being alone. 

I can't help feeling so alone. 

I hate that the people that I want to be like wants nothing to do with me and I hate that I'm unable to be the person that I want to be. I hate that I freak out and act like such a weirdo all the time. I hate myself sometimes.

I hate myself all the time. 

I hate that people I don't want to associate myself with keep trying to associate themselves with me. I'm not sure if I'm a magnet for nice people that I can't relate to or what. Or that maybe I hate being nice. 

 I think I might need a therapist. 

Unfuck my weekend

Day 1

Challenge #1 

Fill up all of Barry's Kongs and freeze them. Throw his water, food bowls, toys and specialty feeders into the dishwasher as needed. Throw his blankets into the washer if they stink. Give him a bath if he's stinky.

Challenge #2

Water plants as needed. Fill up Liquidirt watering can as needed. Check if anything is amiss, if any plants need repotting or extra care or some propagation.

Challenge #3

Pick up clothes around the house and put it in the washer. Throw sheets in the wash and start a load. Check if blankets around the house need a wash. Throw in rags and floor mats as needed.

Challenge #4 

Spend 20 minutes in the kitchen. De-scuzz the stovetop, wipe down the counters, throw away the gross food in the fridge. Run the dishwasher as needed.

Challenge #5

20 minutes cleaning the bathroom. Start by filling the tub and sink with hot water and cleaner. Pour some cleaner in the toilet. Wipe down all surfaces, get the gunk off of the bottles in the shower, empty the trash, sweep or Swiffer the floor, wipe down the walls, then drain and wipe the sink and tub, and scrub the toilet.

Any time left over? Go through your medicine cabinet or drawers and do some unfucking.

Challenge #6 

Laundry done? Make your bed, put away clothes and things.

Challenge #7

20 minutes in the bedroom. This time, focus on your surfaces: nightstand, dresser, desk. Clear them off, put shit back where it belongs, and give everything a good dusting.  

Challenge #8

You’re avoiding something. It might be an invisible corner. It might be a box of crap you need to deal with. It might be your junk drawer. Whatever it is that you’ve been relieved that none of the challenges so far have made you deal with, that’s what you’re dealing with for the next 20 minutes. Don’t lie to yourself. You’re putting something off, but now you have to go deal with it.

Challenge #9

Floors. Vacuum and steam mop everything. 

 

Day 2 

Challenge #1

Check if we are low on anything. Toilet paper, dog food, birth control, rice, etc. Decide on what to eat for the week. Make a list of things to buy from the grocery store.

Challenge #2

Go grocery shopping or order things online based on previous list.

Challenge #3

Prep food for the week. Make soy milk. Make yogurt. Cut and wash vegetables. Marinate tofu or fish. Start making the soup or dahl or broth.

Challenge #4

Bills. Pay rent, utilities, check investments, check budgets. Claim work expenses. All the finance stuff.

Talked to Stephanie.

Have this anxious avoidant style where it's up up up and then down down down immediately.

The key is to stick with it and find the determination to continue.

Talked to Stephanie again.

I'll probably always feel alone to a certain extent.

I need structure in my life. I need things to do. I need a timeframe to do things. I need to plan things. I cannot wake up and just have nothing to do all day. I need something.

Be a parent to yourself. You didn't have that but now you need to learn how to be a parent to yourself.

Be aware of your emotions. Learn how to recognize when you are stressed, vs when you're hungry, vs when you're tired. Learn how to read your body and mind and listen to them.

Goals

 I think I need goals in life.

For everything I do without a goal, it just seems pointless, a waste of time and resources.

I spend a large chunk of my day aimlessly watching YouTube videos or TV Series. I don't know why. I think I'm chasing that dopamine hit. Or maybe I'm so starved of intellectual thought that I'll click on refresh on YouTube a billion times, just to learn something new.

 How is it that there's a billion things in this world to learn, and yet I can't find something I'm interested in? A cause that's worth my time, my money, my effort?

I want to move to New York.

Looks like the only software department in New York is the PromoteIQ team. Looks like it's some e-commerce brand thing, doesn't seem like it's something to do.

Seems like the reason I want to move to New York is the fact that it's so romanticized in TV shows and movies. Of course. I have some friends there. And I love cities.

I can't for the life of me, get super excited about Seattle. It's nice for sure, but it's not a big city. No skyscrapers, no people walking around all stressed out in business suits. It's more chill. Maybe I'll come to enjoy that. I don't know.

I think there's multiple aspects to life.

There's work, but what's work? Is it just your job? I think everything that a person does that builds towards something IS work. 

I work to train my dog.

I work to keep my apartment clean, I guess it's also called cleaning.

I spend a lot of time apartment searching. Does that constitute work? Cause that's literally what agents do.

I guess, in school, I learned that work is literally the measure of the energy needed to do something. Work = Force x Distance. I guess I learned something in all those years after all.

Right, multiple aspects of life. There's finances, there's dreams, there's the humdrum of daily life that's required to keep a person alive and healthy. 

Speaking of. I think it's time I let go of my school notes. I have let go of some, but I still hold on to a lot of those. I think the reason I'm writing this post is cause I think I need a fresh new start. It's time to start looking forward to the future, and hold on less to things that do not bring me joy. 

Regarding Barry. I guess he doesn't fit into the narrative that I have created for myself. This jet setting traveller, creative soul that I long to be.

Barry is a curious animal. I don't understand him quite yet. I don't think I should ever allow him off leash again. He is difficult to control and nothing seems to motivate him.

Maybe he's just being an angsty teen. Where he tries his best to disobey my calls. I'm hoping he settles down and plays better, understands me better.

 I want a shop, where it's a coffee shop that's also a book store/library. People can either borrow or purchase books if they want a copy to go home and read in the daytime. Maybe upstairs or something, it can be some kind of airbnb, hostel setting, with a side entrance perhaps?

At night, it can be a speakeasy, we can push the table so the side. We can do some stand up, some live music, in a real intimate setting.

 Back at it again.

Was looking through a list of free hobbies and some of those things on there are outrageous. Things like knitting and crocheting, reading, drawing, gardening Do these people even know how much these hobbies can cost?

I knit and crochet pretty frequently. Sure, needles are pretty cheap, and they are a one time purchase. That'll run you, perhaps $30 to $40 for a full set.

But yarn, yarn is fucking expensive. I spent over $100 bucks on yarn just to create a blanket. And it was one of those granny square crochet along blanket, just to learn how to crochet. Bitch, yarn is expensive. Especially when you want to create more elaborate designs, you'll have to buy like 50 colors. And it clutters the fuck out of your space. Cause most projects take like half a ball of yarn, and you're always left with weird colors, texture and weights of yarn that you bought specifically for a project and now you're stuck with it forever. 

Reading. Sure, you can borrow books from a library. But most of the time, the library near you only has 1 copy of the book you want to read and the wait list for that happens to have 15 people on there and by the time it's your turn you forgotten that you wanted to read the book.

And OMG it's so hot today. It's in the 90s and I'm living in a place where there's no air conditioning. I'm boiling alive over here.

Ain't it weird that I think I felt relived when the pandemic started. I felt relieved that the pressure to go out and have fun and take pictures that look like I'm having fun. 

However, I like going out and doing things too. I think I haven't been able to find a good balance.

 I don't think I've ever felt as passionate and as inspired as I am when I'm listening to music, watching a movie or reading a book. Watching interviews too.

I think it's right. There's something that I'm good at and there's things I'm passionate in.

I think it's a lie that when you're good at something, you automatically become passionate at it.

Because things I've had an aptitude for never sparked the kind of emotion that comes when I'm doing the other things that I enjoy.

I notice that those are also activities that I consume, I need to produce.

 Now let's talk about things to be grateful for.

I'm grateful for the opportunities that I've had in life. While I might squander a lot of them away (please, such negative thinking), I am grateful that God (luck, chance, whatever) has given me many opportunities in life. 

I'm grateful to have people in my life. People that I can reach out to if needed. 

I'm grateful to have a house over my head. I think I've always taken that for granted. But here I am. I'm grateful for this house that I live in. 

I'm grateful for the my body. My body which I hate. My body that ferries me around with it's own two legs. The body that allows me to breathe, to travel, to walk, to create, to lift things, to nurture things.

Let's start small, because I can't think of anything more. 

I don't know what I want to do in life.

I think I am a drifter by nature. The life where I settle down in one place might just never and won't happen. 

I like living in different places. Maybe I'm just destined to live in many places in my life.

I don't know what to do. While I feel as though time just slips through my fingers, somehow I'm unable to do the things I want to do, yet I'm doing all the things that I don't want to do.

My to-do list keeps piling up everyday. And with each day that I work, I'm unable to find the energy to do anything anymore. 

I keep thinking I just need more time, but maybe that's not it. Maybe I lack the organization to do things. Or maybe I just lack the energy in general. 

I want to be good-good in algorithms. Having enough tools in my tool kit such that I'm able to have a concept or at least an idea of how I'm supposed to do problems. Being able to visualize and understand problems in a way that I never was able to.

I want to try competitive programming. Being able to solve problems with a time limit should be such a fucking rush. 

I want to learn how to produce music. I want to be able to create beautiful melodies and beautiful beats with just a wave of my hand, a tap of my fingers. I want to let the melody that's brewing in my head out into the world, rather than letting it disappear into thin air.

I want to meet interesting people. People I vibe with, people I can find motivation in, people I aspire to be. People that I want to spend more time with. People I can share things with, depend on and be depended on.

I want to be healthy. To feel like my body is youthful. To be able to do the things I want to do. To feel good in my body. To be grateful each day that my joints work and my fingers are nimble and my legs can carry my weight.

I want to go on adventures. Venture out into the world. See sights and experiences that I've never seen and experience before. Bring my boy Barry along with me.

And every time I let myself down.

I don't understand why that is. 

Maybe I do know what I want, and the reason why I think I don't is that I'm afraid to try. I'm afraid to strive for these things and ultimately be disappointed that I'm not good enough. That I'm unable to live the life that I want.

I love a lot of the things that I own.

Why am I unable to concentrate?

Within the duration of this blog post, I've took a break to cut my fingernails, and eat a cookie, and moisturize my face. 

Is it because my brain craves dopamine? Is it because of the constant barrage of information that we get from our phones?

I think I should probably go on a digital detox. Or start using something like Pomodoro to be able to concentrate better. 

I get sufficient amount of sleep and nutrients ( I think ) each day. The one thing I'm lacking might be exercise. Which I could try some yoga stretching right after this to maybe relax a little.

Maybe it's the anxiety. The thoughts racing at a hundred hours per second.

Maybe I should better plan my day. With a plan in mind, I can't afford to dilly dally my day away. 

Let's start with something small for this week

1. No Reddit/Robinhood/Instagram/Emails/Linkedin /YouTube hroughout the day. Only one hour allotted for those at the end of each day. 

2. During downtime. Read.

3. Yoga stretching

 Let's group back at the end of this week to see if I have made progress.

 

It seems as though I'm having a retro with myself. It's pretty interesting.

Maybe I should start doing planning with myself too. Treat myself as a software development company.

I want to be a thinker. 

When I was younger, I think my brain did things. It would dream of being grown up, it would spend it's days reading about amazing things that other people did, imagining myself doing those things when I was grown. Lamenting the fact that my body and brain wouldn't speed through time so that I would be able to do the things I dream of doing. 

Now that I am grown, all I want to do is to slow time down. There's endless things that I don't want to do but have to. My brain doesn't do anything anymore. It doesn't dream of impossible and amazing things, it just does what it needs to do to get me through each day. The mental gymnastics of keeping my body working, keeping my place habitable, keeping my emotions in check, making sure I'm alive.

 I long for the child that is wild.  

I pick up hobbies to keep myself from going insane, yet I hone none of those skills, choosing to instead spend my time stuffing my brain with mindless content. Registering none of it as important information. 

I don't know what to do. Is the solution to that, just to shun capitalism? 

I can't figure out why me and everybody else in this world falls into the same pattern on brain numbing. I consume more than I produce. Maybe it's that. I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it.

I guess I should think more.

 _____________________________________________________________________________________

Is it weird that nearly nothing excites me anymore. Nothing evokes emotions from me anymore. Therapy cured my crippling depression and most of my anxiety and that has left me with...

..nothing.

I don't anger as easily. I don't frustrate that easily. I don't let the smaller things that get me down, get me down anymore.

But maybe I needed that emotion. That was the fuel that motivates me once upon a time. 

And nowadays, there's just nothing.

No amount of YouTube videos, no amount of Netflix/Hulu/HBO (every 24 hours in America, a new streaming service pops up) fills up the void, the yearning for something. 

I still wake up every day and do the routine I do everyday. 

Yet I'll write blog posts like the one I did this morning, or even the one a couple months ago. Ones that I forgotten I have written. 

I'll go through my journal entries and it's all the same.

The regret of letting the sands of time fall through my fingers.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

 I think I need a year abroad.

 I've come to the same conclusion nearly every month. 

The thought will flicker through my head every now and then.

 It's a them that here at Musings, we are very familiar with.

Which is, I should write more.

 

Life has been average. I've been reading about this AskReddit post whereby somebody asked "Redditors who believe they have 'thrown their lives away' where did it all go wrong for you?"

 Reading the comments made me feel so much better about things. The things I worry about aren't so bad after all. And the comfort I get from knowing that so many other people in this world, that look different than me, that grew up differently, has the same thoughts that I have. 

 Have the same worries and regrets that I have.

 I don't believe I have thrown my life away. I do wish I would've done a lot of things different in life. But had I not make the decisions that I have made, I wouldn't be the person that I am today.

 While I'm not entirely happy with myself in general. I think I'm learning to get there. To know that if things don't go well, it's okay. It's not the end of the world. 

I have so much life left to live. I shouldn't let society dictate how I should live it. I shouldn't feel bad that I haven't achieved things that other people have achieved. Fuck social media. Stop shoving information about other people down my throat.

I'm no young-in anymore. The creeping of time freaks me out and reassures me at the same time. 

 Waking up each day to realize that I still have to live the life I have right now, annoys me. I wake up each day slightly more frustrated than the day before. I lament the passing of time. I'm mad at myself for letting each day slip through my fingers.

At the same time, I'm glad that time is passing. Another day passing means a better future is coming each day. A day where Barry finally calms down and stops being the insane puppy that he is. A day where I am financially free. A day where I can start something I'm passionate about.

Each day is hopeful and frustrating at the same time.

I'm at that age when I've come to realize that I'll probably live my life being average.

I'll never be the one winning Grammy awards, or star in a blockbuster movie. Or go to space. Or win a presidential award.

I'll probably be the person walking their dog on the street. Working the standard 9 to 5 day. Maybe retiring early if I'm lucky.

I'm never gonna be one of those well known beauties. I'll never be famous. 

And I guess I'll just have to except that.

That I get to keep all of me to myself. That every part of my life is gonna be my own.