Over judgey

 I think I tend to divert back to being judgey and mean when I am not confident. I think mainly because it's a good defense mechanicsm from when I was younger. Gossiping and judging was a very good teenaage trait to have. It would immediately gain you friends. 

I do think I'm inherently not like so tho. Which is very frustrating. I don't want to be a mean and judgey person, but when I'm not confident, I become so, and then that diminishes my confidence even more. 

I don't tend to listen too much and that becomes something I regret too. 

I do think I am too hard on myself. I am inherently thinking that everybody judges me too, and I don't know if that's necessarily true. 

It scares me that people do. It's hard to be myself and I'm not even too sure who I am as a person anymore. 

I miss feeling self assured. I don't know. Some days I feel immensely so, and some days my confidence is really at a all time low. I don't know what gives me confidence. Friends do but it's so hit and miss so many days. 

Ah I think I feel inherently shit cause I think I hurt Matt's feelings. It's also really shitty when I accidentally hurt people's feelings with the truth. He overdid a bit but when I highlighted that it gave people the wrong impression cause he took the bit too far, I think he got hurt. But I think it wasn't really bad other than, hey you talk about this a lot. I guess it inherently implies that it's too much but I don't know. Feedback maybe is really bad if people don't want it but I think my point was more like, the bit is taken a little bit too far cause it gave me the wrong impression. 

I want them to like me. 

 I am tired.

I don't know how and why. 

I don't even know what I need anymore. I think I am just overwhelmed with everything and anything. Nothing really helps. And it's never ending. I want to leave badly. 

I just want a break. 

I think this is the plan. 

Right now, it's the end of March. I am already halfway done with my 401k account. I will be fully done by the end of June, which means I could technically quit end of June. Another stock vest would be on August 2025 and my final stock vest would November 2025. 

I would need to finish my taxes soon. That should be done this weekend hopefully. Looks like I am very very cash poor. I think I really need a financial plan to take a break for a bit. 

Maybe I should also drill down on why I feel as burnt out as I do. I think my apartment's a mess. I probably have anxiety just due to having loads of stuff just everywhere. 

And maybe Clarisse is right. I should just be writing lists. Just tons and tons of lists. 

1. Make financial plan

2. Do taxes

3. Clean apartment - storage coming on April 1st 

4. Fix linkedinqueens - want to make it autoscrape. 

5. Close out all the ICMs

 I am tired. 

I just want and long to be held. 

I am so tired. I want to just lie down and do nothing. 

Time passes so so fast. In a blink of an eye it's already March. It passes by so fast and so slow at the same time.  

I think I am present yet not at the same time. 

I am scared. 

Time feels like it's slipping through my fingers and I don't know what to do.