I think I would want to write more.

Signed up for a writing program today starting in March.

I need the discipline to write, hence the structure of a writing program should be able to prompt me to draw words out of my brain.

I struggle with expressing my feelings a lot of the time. I beat myself up a lot over the most minuscule things.

I think my therapist is right. I do not love myself too much.

I have been blessed with intelligence and sometimes that is to my detriment. I get bored fast.

And I feel like being able to write well, to draw in an audience without boring them, is so important. In this day and age of the internet, literally, everybody can up and pretend to be a writer.

I have knowledge to drop on this world, but if I want to write, I want to do it well. I want to do it in a way that nobody would read my work and click away.

I was in the elevator today with Shri and we were talking about cabs. I have never ridden a yellow cab in my life. There was some lady in the elevator and she was appalled that I had never ridden on a cab before in my life. So, I think it should be on my bucket list to ride the cab home someday.

Justin texted me. It made me sad. Hearing from him always stir up bad memories for me, and it always makes me resent and mad at him. And if any good memories get stirred up, it also makes me sad that we won't make any more of those memories, and eventually, my memories of him will fade too.

It angers me that he deleted photos and sent me all of our photos. It seems a lot like he does not appreciate the time we had together.

Oh well. I think I should keep my distance. Love myself.

Hey

I forgotten that night in the lodge. That was by far one of the worst nights of my life. I could have died that night.

The night we went camping.

The night of Alex's housewarming party.

The night where we sat on the couch and you told me about all the things.

That day that we went to IKEA.

That night you came back from London, and we walked around the lake and ended up in your place.

The many nights I spent at your 420 W Wilson place.

When Django slept on the goddamn pillow.

When you took my pictures.

That night with Cadence.

Snide remarks and butt pinches.

I guess, I don't feel too much about it anymore. I hardly remember all of them.

Kinda sad that we aren't close. I am lonely. I miss the closeness of somebody. Anybody. Feels terrible to know that out of all the people in the world, I don't have any of MY people.

Why can't I be satisfied with life the way everybody else is? Maybe they aren't. But maybe getting over the initial hump of getting to know people is difficult.

It's like the goddamn stock market. At what point do you sell?

You treated me like a piece of shit. I don't know why I do not keep that in front of my brain when I think of you.

I don't know if I miss you or if I miss being in a relationship.

I don't know if I can ever be with you anymore. Just had a dream about you weirdly at my high school, teaching something apparently. Seems like it's because I was thinking of you and I had the conversation with my brother about people going back to high school and how much of a loser I think those people are.

I think I miss being in a relationship, cause there isn't specific aspects about you that I miss per se. It's more of hey I miss sticking my feet under your butt when we watch TV on the couch. Going to bed when you're already sleeping. Sex I guess. It's the routine I kinda miss. Then again, I never had the routines with anybody else, those are solely ours.

I guess I'll talk to you again in a couple months, see where we are then. Don't think you'll have changed at all. I don't think it'll work nevertheless.

I think I kinda hate you for suggesting we meet again in a year. Like fuck that. Now I'm only thinking about that.

Plus you hate my guts. That doesn't help either. You hating my guts kinda means you're still hung up on me. And it only reinforces that fact that you're an immature POS.

Anyways. Writing this so I won't obsess about stuff. I'm in Malaysia now and my visa got temporarily refused. And I'm oddly thinking about you pretty often. It's ridiculous. It's been a long time and I still think of you everyday. I don't know if it's because that was it? That you were my soulmate or if it's because I miss being in a relationship.

It's fucking ridiculous. I don't mind being home actually, it's pretty chill. Plus I get to hangout with my old friends ish. It's nice catching up I guess? I just need to work a little too. My brain is kinda just molting over time.

This post is a shit show. It's just me rambling about nothing. I think I need a therapy session.

I haven't been writing in a while and I thought I should get back on the horse.

Writing, over time, has become less and less of my forte. It's not as though my ability to write has gone, it's more that my willingness to share has disappeared.

I have become more of a private person. I don't know when it started but I realized that people don't care too much about you. Such is the nature of humans, we are all a little narcissistic.

I also learned that over time, it's not that people don't care about you anymore, it's that people around you assume that you don't care about them. It goes both ways. And by wallowing in your own sadness, you failed to realize that everybody is also in the same fucking boat.

I don't know.

That has become the motto of my life at this time and age. I'm uncertain about everything and anything. Any philosophies I have held dear to me during my lifetime has changed. And I'm unsure and wary of everything.

It's been a struggle for me to find myself. To figure out what I want in life, who I really am, what are my true and core values without having society telling me who and what I should be. Is my identity tied to my history? I believe so, but does that mean I'll never be able to change that? How do I embrace who I really am?

I sometimes feel like life is all so tiring.

Justin. I don't feel feelings towards him anymore. Just an occasional pang. I'm glad he gets to live the life he wants without me holding him back anymore. I'm glad that we finally call it quits. It was really tough pretending to be someone I'm not. And he tolerated me. And me him. And for the longest time I was hoping to get some sort of connection/closure from the guy, and even today, I guess I'm hoping for some kind of conclusion rather than the somewhat open-ended break up we had. And I think I came to the realization a while back that I'll never get the connection that I wanted out of a relationship with him.

God bless.

You never give up on the American dream, giving up would be un-American.

I've lived with the constant struggle of being in between worlds. Do I go home? Do I stay here in the United States? What have I worked my whole life for? What do I want to save my money up for? If I had all the time and money in the world, what would I do?

Do I strive for the white picket fence? The house in the suburbs. Drinking beer and grilling out on summer nights. The shoveling of snow of the driveway. The neatly trimmed lawn. The family dog.

I want to travel. I want to walk the plains where wild bison roam. I want to watch the sunset over the mountains. I want to see it color the sky pink and orange. I want to breathe the cold fresh air that invigorates my lungs. I want to sit by the water and watch it ripple. I want to see snow-capped mountains.

I also want the grind. The hustle and bustle of the city. The feeling of being small in between the tall buildings. The night lights. The sense of purpose of people that walk around me. To watch people living the life that they are living. Couples on dates, couples fighting, children playing, people walking dogs.

I also want to be home. Feeling the love of my parents. My grandmother. My siblings. My family. I want to come home to dinners. I want to read while my father blasts 80's hits on the stereo. Smelling the scent of newspapers and coffees on the back patio. The quaint tiny house that is always too noisy, too small.

Why can't I have it all?

Justin,

It's Sunday today, and I've always love Sundays with you. I was thinking about the plants in our little garden bed. I was wondering how they were doing. Are they big and blooming? Are the vegetables ready to eat? Do we have onions and potatoes under the soil? I was thinking about us going to the dog park in the morning with Dany. I like Sundays with you, they were always a mixture of productivity and lazing around. I hated spending the summer apart from you. But what to do, life tore us apart.

 I was thinking about you moving next week. You'll be moving out of the little house we've called our home. I'm thinking of those little plants. They'll be cut down by the next tenant. Oh that breaks my heart.

I miss us so much.

Justin,

I miss you so much. In good and bad ways. I miss telling you about my day and complaining about various scenarios while you listen and nod your head. I don't have anybody to talk about my day no more. Nobody cares.

I miss sitting on the couch with you in our beautiful apartment. The one we made into our home. Our idiotic fish, our insanely intelligent and cowardly dog, the statement wall, the kitchen with all the plants, and of course our absent roommate. I miss cuddling in bed, feeling warm and wanted and loved.

I was thinking about the one time you had jury duty, and you picked me up at Holos to have lunch with you at Willy Street. It's weird that whenever I spend time with you, I get into this floaty state, where reality isn't real anymore.

I also think of you. I saw a picture of Jeanette today since it's Allison's birthday, and all I could think of was you wanting to date her. She looked hot. I felt a pang of hate towards you again. I was thinking where else in the world that we could move so I won't see any of your weird exes, and guess what, it was nowhere in the world. Perhaps New Zealand.

I know we had something good. But I need to work on myself and you do too. I hate the fact that I have stuff at your place, that our lives were once that intertwined. And I also miss that too.

I secretly hope that one day we'll end up together, that we both meet again at the right place and the right time. I'm sorry for every negative emotion that I have evoked in you. Good night.