Listening to Glass Animals now, and they've got me feeling a certain kind of way. 

I think the key to everything is consistency, and unfortunately, I suffer from the lack of discipline and consistency. 

Listening to Helium by Glass Animals, I would describe it as dreamy, makes me think of Sunday mornings, cup of coffee and a book, I guess I would categorize it as futuristic too, somewhat ethereal.

I'm trying to learn how to appreciate art. The feelings and emotions that artists are trying to convey with notes. It's weird how certain frequencies are able to evoke memories and feelings in people. 

I think I just humans really fascinating. The things that we come up with. The abstractness of ideas that we seemingly seem to grasp.

I'm wondering if my dear pup Barry would ever learn the things that we do. Like the fucking monetary system. I bet it blows his mind the things I do to create money and using money to exchange for things instead. In Barry's brain, he sees it, he wants it, he takes it. 

Sounds condescending. But he's a dog.  

 I think I know what to do.

I think I want to be an entertainer. I think I want to stand in front of crowds. I think I want to perform. I want to create music that is listened to by millions. 

I want to create stories that bring people to places. Make people feel emotions. Make people reminisce. 

I want to have my works of art enjoyed by people. 

I think I want to create. 

I think I found my hobby.

100 days of writing

 I want to start off by doing a hundred days of writing.

I think I might be able to replace a therapist with writing and I want to see if writing consistently will help with my mental health and maybe provide me with a creative outlet so that my life doesn't seem so depressing and sad.

I've slowly come to the conclusion that my life is just... mundane. I wake up and I walk the dog, I go to work, I struggle at work, I talk to my coworkers, I get off work and rinse and repeat. And hey here's the weekend, I'll do my laundry, meal prep, clean the house, and oops it's Monday again. 

And here's the thing. There's always chores to do, to make me feel inadequate all the fucking time. 

Maybe I grew up in a generation whereby we expect instant gratification, and hence I just get bored easily with everything and anything.

Some ideas on what to do with my spare time:

Reviewing TV shows

Barry reviews toys

Reviewing Books

Reaction Videos to things

 I guess I should write.

I can't stand Barry sometimes. I think all parents think that of their children. Especially smelly, dependent, teenage children who can't communicate. He's sweet now that he's sleepy and sleeping. He's especially cute when he finds a new toy. I just can't deal with the garbage eating, leash pulling, human jumping version of him. 

I love him a lot, but I'm coming to realize that he takes up a lot of my time.

The imposter syndrome is super real. I can't help feeling totally helpless. I hate my task. I don't want to talk to people! I hate feeling stupid and I hate asking questions, and I hate that when people explain them to me I don't know what the flying fuck they are talking about. And I don't think I'm good at expressing that this style of teaching is making me super uncomfortable and I doubt that I'll ever learn anything cause I'm good at learning things while I do them and not like that.

The expectations of me aren't lined up well. I should just talk to Lynn someday.

This is making me stressed out at work. Not knowing fucking anything. 

It's making me dread working. I really. Hate. This feeling. The feeling of not being able to take a break. The feeling of being my own person. The feeling of being alone. 

I can't help feeling so alone. 

I hate that the people that I want to be like wants nothing to do with me and I hate that I'm unable to be the person that I want to be. I hate that I freak out and act like such a weirdo all the time. I hate myself sometimes.

I hate myself all the time. 

I hate that people I don't want to associate myself with keep trying to associate themselves with me. I'm not sure if I'm a magnet for nice people that I can't relate to or what. Or that maybe I hate being nice. 

 I think I might need a therapist. 

Unfuck my weekend

Day 1

Challenge #1 

Fill up all of Barry's Kongs and freeze them. Throw his water, food bowls, toys and specialty feeders into the dishwasher as needed. Throw his blankets into the washer if they stink. Give him a bath if he's stinky.

Challenge #2

Water plants as needed. Fill up Liquidirt watering can as needed. Check if anything is amiss, if any plants need repotting or extra care or some propagation.

Challenge #3

Pick up clothes around the house and put it in the washer. Throw sheets in the wash and start a load. Check if blankets around the house need a wash. Throw in rags and floor mats as needed.

Challenge #4 

Spend 20 minutes in the kitchen. De-scuzz the stovetop, wipe down the counters, throw away the gross food in the fridge. Run the dishwasher as needed.

Challenge #5

20 minutes cleaning the bathroom. Start by filling the tub and sink with hot water and cleaner. Pour some cleaner in the toilet. Wipe down all surfaces, get the gunk off of the bottles in the shower, empty the trash, sweep or Swiffer the floor, wipe down the walls, then drain and wipe the sink and tub, and scrub the toilet.

Any time left over? Go through your medicine cabinet or drawers and do some unfucking.

Challenge #6 

Laundry done? Make your bed, put away clothes and things.

Challenge #7

20 minutes in the bedroom. This time, focus on your surfaces: nightstand, dresser, desk. Clear them off, put shit back where it belongs, and give everything a good dusting.  

Challenge #8

You’re avoiding something. It might be an invisible corner. It might be a box of crap you need to deal with. It might be your junk drawer. Whatever it is that you’ve been relieved that none of the challenges so far have made you deal with, that’s what you’re dealing with for the next 20 minutes. Don’t lie to yourself. You’re putting something off, but now you have to go deal with it.

Challenge #9

Floors. Vacuum and steam mop everything. 

 

Day 2 

Challenge #1

Check if we are low on anything. Toilet paper, dog food, birth control, rice, etc. Decide on what to eat for the week. Make a list of things to buy from the grocery store.

Challenge #2

Go grocery shopping or order things online based on previous list.

Challenge #3

Prep food for the week. Make soy milk. Make yogurt. Cut and wash vegetables. Marinate tofu or fish. Start making the soup or dahl or broth.

Challenge #4

Bills. Pay rent, utilities, check investments, check budgets. Claim work expenses. All the finance stuff.

Talked to Stephanie.

Have this anxious avoidant style where it's up up up and then down down down immediately.

The key is to stick with it and find the determination to continue.

Talked to Stephanie again.

I'll probably always feel alone to a certain extent.

I need structure in my life. I need things to do. I need a timeframe to do things. I need to plan things. I cannot wake up and just have nothing to do all day. I need something.

Be a parent to yourself. You didn't have that but now you need to learn how to be a parent to yourself.

Be aware of your emotions. Learn how to recognize when you are stressed, vs when you're hungry, vs when you're tired. Learn how to read your body and mind and listen to them.