I am realizing that a lot of my grief comes just not knowing myself enough. 

I don't want to be my dad. I don't want to be my dad being scared of things. I don't know how to be a person. I am filled with so much grief and doubt. I don't think I'm ever really okay. I move and I do things and I meet people and they are all seemingly band aids to a hole inside me. 

I think I am perhaps depressed. 

What a new development. 

Somehow I feel so apathetic. I don't feel much for people anymore. I don't know what to do with this. 

I think I never spent my life ever thinking about a future with anybody. I never spent any time dreaming about what my future should look like. I don't know my values and I think I spend my life assuming that things will fall into place. And for the majority of it, it has. I think it has gotten to a point where I think I don't know anymore.