Talked to Stephanie.

Have this anxious avoidant style where it's up up up and then down down down immediately.

The key is to stick with it and find the determination to continue.

Talked to Stephanie again.

I'll probably always feel alone to a certain extent.

I need structure in my life. I need things to do. I need a timeframe to do things. I need to plan things. I cannot wake up and just have nothing to do all day. I need something.

Be a parent to yourself. You didn't have that but now you need to learn how to be a parent to yourself.

Be aware of your emotions. Learn how to recognize when you are stressed, vs when you're hungry, vs when you're tired. Learn how to read your body and mind and listen to them.

Goals

 I think I need goals in life.

For everything I do without a goal, it just seems pointless, a waste of time and resources.

I spend a large chunk of my day aimlessly watching YouTube videos or TV Series. I don't know why. I think I'm chasing that dopamine hit. Or maybe I'm so starved of intellectual thought that I'll click on refresh on YouTube a billion times, just to learn something new.

 How is it that there's a billion things in this world to learn, and yet I can't find something I'm interested in? A cause that's worth my time, my money, my effort?

I want to move to New York.

Looks like the only software department in New York is the PromoteIQ team. Looks like it's some e-commerce brand thing, doesn't seem like it's something to do.

Seems like the reason I want to move to New York is the fact that it's so romanticized in TV shows and movies. Of course. I have some friends there. And I love cities.

I can't for the life of me, get super excited about Seattle. It's nice for sure, but it's not a big city. No skyscrapers, no people walking around all stressed out in business suits. It's more chill. Maybe I'll come to enjoy that. I don't know.

I think there's multiple aspects to life.

There's work, but what's work? Is it just your job? I think everything that a person does that builds towards something IS work. 

I work to train my dog.

I work to keep my apartment clean, I guess it's also called cleaning.

I spend a lot of time apartment searching. Does that constitute work? Cause that's literally what agents do.

I guess, in school, I learned that work is literally the measure of the energy needed to do something. Work = Force x Distance. I guess I learned something in all those years after all.

Right, multiple aspects of life. There's finances, there's dreams, there's the humdrum of daily life that's required to keep a person alive and healthy. 

Speaking of. I think it's time I let go of my school notes. I have let go of some, but I still hold on to a lot of those. I think the reason I'm writing this post is cause I think I need a fresh new start. It's time to start looking forward to the future, and hold on less to things that do not bring me joy. 

Regarding Barry. I guess he doesn't fit into the narrative that I have created for myself. This jet setting traveller, creative soul that I long to be.

Barry is a curious animal. I don't understand him quite yet. I don't think I should ever allow him off leash again. He is difficult to control and nothing seems to motivate him.

Maybe he's just being an angsty teen. Where he tries his best to disobey my calls. I'm hoping he settles down and plays better, understands me better.

 I want a shop, where it's a coffee shop that's also a book store/library. People can either borrow or purchase books if they want a copy to go home and read in the daytime. Maybe upstairs or something, it can be some kind of airbnb, hostel setting, with a side entrance perhaps?

At night, it can be a speakeasy, we can push the table so the side. We can do some stand up, some live music, in a real intimate setting.

 Back at it again.

Was looking through a list of free hobbies and some of those things on there are outrageous. Things like knitting and crocheting, reading, drawing, gardening Do these people even know how much these hobbies can cost?

I knit and crochet pretty frequently. Sure, needles are pretty cheap, and they are a one time purchase. That'll run you, perhaps $30 to $40 for a full set.

But yarn, yarn is fucking expensive. I spent over $100 bucks on yarn just to create a blanket. And it was one of those granny square crochet along blanket, just to learn how to crochet. Bitch, yarn is expensive. Especially when you want to create more elaborate designs, you'll have to buy like 50 colors. And it clutters the fuck out of your space. Cause most projects take like half a ball of yarn, and you're always left with weird colors, texture and weights of yarn that you bought specifically for a project and now you're stuck with it forever. 

Reading. Sure, you can borrow books from a library. But most of the time, the library near you only has 1 copy of the book you want to read and the wait list for that happens to have 15 people on there and by the time it's your turn you forgotten that you wanted to read the book.

And OMG it's so hot today. It's in the 90s and I'm living in a place where there's no air conditioning. I'm boiling alive over here.

Ain't it weird that I think I felt relived when the pandemic started. I felt relieved that the pressure to go out and have fun and take pictures that look like I'm having fun. 

However, I like going out and doing things too. I think I haven't been able to find a good balance.

 I don't think I've ever felt as passionate and as inspired as I am when I'm listening to music, watching a movie or reading a book. Watching interviews too.

I think it's right. There's something that I'm good at and there's things I'm passionate in.

I think it's a lie that when you're good at something, you automatically become passionate at it.

Because things I've had an aptitude for never sparked the kind of emotion that comes when I'm doing the other things that I enjoy.

I notice that those are also activities that I consume, I need to produce.

 Now let's talk about things to be grateful for.

I'm grateful for the opportunities that I've had in life. While I might squander a lot of them away (please, such negative thinking), I am grateful that God (luck, chance, whatever) has given me many opportunities in life. 

I'm grateful to have people in my life. People that I can reach out to if needed. 

I'm grateful to have a house over my head. I think I've always taken that for granted. But here I am. I'm grateful for this house that I live in. 

I'm grateful for the my body. My body which I hate. My body that ferries me around with it's own two legs. The body that allows me to breathe, to travel, to walk, to create, to lift things, to nurture things.

Let's start small, because I can't think of anything more.