Feelings #2

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 I think he would be cruel. 

Had a dream he was flirting with/already with someone else. He was lying with his head in her lap. 

Oh god what have I done. 

Every minute is torturous without him. I want to hug him, the anxiety is so much. I can't accept it's over. 

But I can't reach out cause it would hurt me. I think he's disconnected and doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't reach out. I think he would be cruel to me. I think he would look at me with his mad face, his annoyed face.

I really want to save this relationship. I really do. I just don't know how to anymore. I am at my wits end. I am jaded. I am tired. I just want to be happy. I want you to be happy. To just be around you and be excited about our future. To work towards goals together. To just make jokes and cuddle and work together. Maybe I'm deluded and that's not really something we can do. Maybe it's me and maybe it's you. I can't figure it out anymore. It's always me against you when all I want it to be is us against the world. 

I am anxious. I feel it in my bones, the anxiousness I have. I can't self soothe.

Reasons to not be together. 

1. I don't think my needs are being met. I don't feel supported and I don't feel happy. 

I'm not ready to have a serious break up talk with him. I really am not. I want to talk to him to see if we can get back together. But I don't think that will pan out the way that I think it will, and it will instead end up in me feeling worst and then we actually actually break up. 

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