Feelings #1

I feel....

Relieved. 

Free. 

Sad.

Grief. 

Hopeful yet hopeless at the same time. 

Things fluctuate constantly. I feel lonely. 

I don't think it has set in yet. Right now I feel as though I have my time back. The annoyances that I kept feeling when he was there is gone. The frustrations I've been experiencing disappeared. 

I can't stop thinking about how time passes so slowly. 

I think about that hug in the car. How I walked off so confident that it's not the end. How he stayed in the parking lot for several minutes before leaving. I don't know what he is thinking. Is he feeling the same as I do? Does he wish that I would contact him like I am wishing that he would me? 

It doesn't seem real yet it does. I can imagine him living an entire life without me and mine without him. Yet I am also imagining a life together. I'm at the same time hoping that if I said, I don't know if it was the right decision, that maybe if we tried harder, talked more, that things would change. 

It felt so rushed. I feel so fucking terrible that it was so rushed. I wished I watched more episodes of breaking bad with you. I wished that I stayed longer. In your apartment, in your car. I wished I looked at your face a little longer, that I cuddled with you a little longer, that I feel your skin against mine just a little longer. 

I feel numb. I think the things I say have consequences and while I wished I didn't break up with you, I think I have to face the music here. If I could go back in time, I would sit with you and talked to you more. I wish and wish that you don't feel the hopelessness, that you don't move on, that I have a chance to talk to you once more. That my words and actions don't have consequences. 

I can see a life with you. This is the painful part. A life with you with children. A life with you where I come home each day to see you happy with the kids. To see you teach, to see you play, to see you tell awful dad jokes. To build a life together. A life that we are both fulfilled, happy. 

I also see a life where we are miserable. That we fail to communicate and keep our emotions in check. To work against each other rather than with each other. I think this is the life we currently live. I don't see a way out of this life. I have lost so much hope that we can get to where we want to be. I feel so anxious all the time and lonely all the time when I'm with you. My needs aren't met and I feel like all I do is try to tend to your emotions. It's walking on eggshells constantly. There's no joy here. I'm not happy. You aren't happy. You feel tired and distant of/from me. I think we both need to be apart from each other. I'm so sorry my love. I'm so sorry my heart. I wish I had the energy to try. To be there for you.