I don't know why I'm writing here. 

I think I want to iterate how loved that I am. I always forget it and I need to figure out how to feel it a lot more. 

I don't know what I'm doing. I had some thoughts but I don't know. 

I think for some reason, I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough, I'm not capable enough. I don't know why. 

I think being here did give me a lot of perspective that I'm doing better than I thought I am but I still feel behind. I feel like I don't have the time and energy to do anything but what am I doing with my time and energy? 

Maybe all I need to do is to quit my job. And I get more time and energy back to figure out what I am doing with my life. 

 I woke up with my heart hurting today. It's been a week and my heart hasn't hurt but it hurt today. I did a stupid thing and instead of self soothing, I just went and decided to stalk some social media. Now my heart hurts more.

Trying to be aware of my surroundings. I am home in Malaysia. Surrounded by photos of happy memories. 

I  think I'm scared that our relationship meant nothing to him. I am anxious that all that love and care and work that I had with him together meant nothing to him. That I'm just a stepping stone to move on. It felt like he said that with some of his exes.

It's  hard to keep in mind that he loved me. He LOVED me. That he would do anything for me. He would try his very best to make me happy.  Even when I didn't feel it, I need to know that he loves me. 

The sad thing is I can't really even think of anything that showed that he cared for me. I'm trying really hard to hold on to the memories of him caring for me and many a times I'm even coming up blank. 

He held me when my grandmama died. He held me on the floor of his bedroom. He told me jokes in the morning. He called me nugget. He held me when we woke up. He gave me cuddles whenever I needed it. I need to feel this love.

 I read this morning about a kid who killed himself. Phillip something and he threw himself off a building at MIT. In a lot of ways, I think I resonated with him. I'm not going to off myself. I don't think I ever have the guts to do so. 

I keep thinking back to the relationship I had with Jaime. It really sucks ending the relationship the way that we did. I still feel the after effects of the conversation that we had. It's been precisely a week.

I think we are better apart. Even as I write that I do not believe it. I don't know. My head and my heart are in disagreement. I think I just wanted to be loved. And split up mutually. I think I need to hold on to the other conversations we had when breaking up and then totally disregarding the last one that ended in such a burning dumpster fire. I was really unhappy in the relationship. I think I keep forgetting that, and instead him telling me that he is doing so much better and happier and that he had this vision of our future together really fucked with me. 

Let's look at some good things. I finally finished the kitchen cabinets. I get my dining area back! I'm so happy about all that space. I kind of want to finish working on the house but I think time away would be good for that. 

Speaking about time away. I am going away for a bit. I think a change in scenery would be good for me and everybody actually says so. I am going to trust in the people that love me and do what they tell me. I am a menace to myself and other than Jaime, I think I hate myself the most. 

I fluctuate between looking forward and wanting to stay here in Seattle, but again, I should trust in the people that love me. I think they know better. They should know better.

Now, the reason why I wrote this. I need a to do list for today

1. Pottery studio - 1 hour

2. Rialto orthodontics - 1.5 hour

3. Finishing up work - 2 hours

4. Water plants - .5 hours

5. Dishes - .5 hours

6. Laundry - .5 hours

7. Meetings - 1 hour

8. Packing - 2 hours 

    a. Hiking gear for Mount KK

    b. Visa stuff - Green Card, Passport, 

 Wow I am truly addicted to this person. 

I actually don't think that I am able to happily sustain a relationship with this person but the drug withdrawals are real. The extreme anxiety. The initial happiness when he replies, the disappointment when the high is not as high as it used to be. So here is my journal to keep track of things

• serving as a written reminder of why you’re leaving the relationship when you feel like reconsidering
• helping you reconnect with yourself and establish a clearer vision of your own goals and dreams
• allowing you to identify and process difficult emotions

 

He doesn't want to be with you. He has already said that. I don't know why you feel inclined to change his mind. Why beat a dead horse YX? 

You were very unhappy during the relationship. He was quite selfish and you were alone for most of it. You were very lonely. Remember that? 

Your goals are as follows. You want to leave your job. You want to rent out your apartment. You want to travel. You want a new job. You want to meet and see friends. You want a relationship that complements you.

You are addicted to this guy. There is nothing you can do. You can't accept that cause you are jonesing for your next hit.

 I do run anxiously attached. 

Met up with Jaime yesterday and I feel it all in my body. Scheduled a session with Jen and hopefully I'll feel better about it. 

We talked yesterday. I wrote him a letter today. My heart is pounding, i feel disconnected with reality. I should be hungry but I'm not. I am feeling withdrawals all over me. It feels better now than when I woke up but I still feel terrible. 

It's hard to pinpoint what is the reason for my distress. I am trying really hard to be in tune with my emotions but it is very hard. They constantly elude me. The dogs do make me feel less alone. 

My nose ring fell out this morning and it took a bit to put it back in. And for a moment I thought about not putting it back in. 

Is it because I feel rejected? It is because I was very vulnerable and then he kind of dismissed/didn't really take accountability the way I wanted him to? 

I do feel pain. I don't know where this pain came from. I do feel a lot better writing that letter to Jaime. But I do feel a lot of pain. I am not sure why and how. Is it rejection? Not really. I don't even know. I want it to stop. I want to not feel this pain anymore. But I don't know how to. I don't know how to and what I can do.

Okay maybe the cure is to just have Jaime call me. Cause he did and we had phone sex and now I feel all better. Wow. I think it really was just the rejection. 

I really did try to make him feel better about himself.

This is the letter I wrote -> 

Hey Jaime,

It's very illuminating to have these talks with you. I am hearing a lot about how you feel more so during our relationship.

I'm sorry I have caused you pain. That I have made you feel badly about yourself. That makes a lot of sense. I am sorry. I did not know the impact of my words nor did I know that a lot of things I said would make you feel badly. I don't think I really knew the value of my words and words are both cheap and expensive to me, it's the way I was brought up and the only thing I knew for a very long time. I was also in a lot of pain for most of our relationship and that was reflected in the way I treated you. Hurt people hurt people. I am sorry. It is not fair. It's not an excuse for anything. I hope that you can forgive me. Know that I truly think the world of you. You have taught me so much and changed me in many different ways. Know that you are so so special to me and that I really value our relationship. I tried to show you all that and I hope that during our relationship, you’ve felt how much that I have cared for and loved you.

I am sad and I am mad. I am scared to live this life without you. I am sad that despite everything, we didn't work out. I loved you so much and tried so hard. I am still hurt above all else and bitter about how I felt during our relationship. I am hurt that you are moving on and are happy without me in your life.

I thought I was over this pain yet here I am, pouring it onto a page in VS code. Crying non stop.

My heart hurts but this has helped.

Why does it feel like I want him more when he rejects me? Am I that broken?

 I am writing here again. I watched a YouTube video that says that people should keep their goals quiet cause that allows energy to go out and make people loose energy for working on something. I think there's truth to that. I think whenever I tell people about how I want to do something, I end up feeling like I have to live up to that expectation and I feel bad about it, which makes me less inclined to look for a position. 

I do feel the most motivated I have been in a long time. I do think I should definitely keep my goals quiet tho.

It is my birthday today. I keep forgetting about it. I don't really feel much different. It feels like any other day. That is kinda nice.

Hm. I just came back from New York last night. Taking the Link to Tukwila international boulevard from SeaTac made my Uber fee go from 60 -> 40. And it took 10 minutes to take the Link for one stop. I did feel unsafe on the Link though. That is to be expected I guess. Money savings always equal slight chance to be in slightly sketchier situations. Such is the world. 

I think I do need to look max. Learning a lot from hoe_math, which is interesting cause it views the world in such a different way than I do. He scribes that the valuable thing for women is looks, personality and purity, and outlines a ton of other stuff as things that women prioritize. I think I don't really know what I want out of my partner and I might need to take a good hard look at that.

I think I need to take my dating life more seriously than I used to. It was always a, eh, just there kind of thing but I'm turning 29 tomorrow and I think it needs to be something I prioritize a little more. 

Another thing is that I should really start being very intentional with my time. I really like climbing, yet I have yet to be good at it. Because girl, you don't take the time to intentionally go climbing. I want to take my health and wellness seriously cause I wanna look max LOL. But for reals, I think if I'm not gonna be fit and healthy now, I won't ever be. And the one sad thing is that maybe my health and wellness is the one thing I can still sort of control in my life that would give me endless positive dividends. 

It is focus week this week and I guess I don't really have too much to do. I'm hoping to get the SQL backfill script done by today and then have the rest of the week to do dilly dally things. Planning on finally finishing up the kitchen. I say that every week but I think I'll be able to finish the left cabinets by today and start working on the right tomorrow.

I have Ember this weekend too so it'll be mostly me being at home most of this week. Which would either drive me crazy or make me super productive. 

I also really need to sit down and do the accounting on this apartment. I also really need to move houses. I can't get comfortable now. 

 I think Jen might be on to something again. 

We talked about life. About my frustrations with my life. I am afraid of admitting a lot about myself. I am afraid of failing, afraid of rejection, afraid of putting myself out there. I am nervous about everything and anything. 

I really think I'm overly hard on myself. I can't imagine how much harder Jaime is on himself. 

 I think Jen might have a point where I am too hard on myself.

My heart is hurting today. I think I will always be a little broken for a while after Jaime. I don't know what is bugging me though. The idea of him being with somebody else doesn't phase me. I don't really want to get back together with him. I actually think the idea of losing somebody like him in my life is the part that hurts. Like. He was such a big part of my life. It's hard to let go on friendships and companionship and somebody that knew me well. It's hard to let go of a friend. I think I have let go of the fact that he's a lover for a while. But I think losing the friend is hard.

I finished the hallway. And I feel really good about it hehe. 

I finished my connect. The last post on here was about how I have not finished my connect but here I am and I good good reviews on it.

I'm going to do something ballsy today and update my resume and finish the work for the SARIF validation. 

Spent the morning reading and listening to the feud between Kendrick Lamar and Drake. Kendrick Lamar is a genius. I listened to euphoria initially and I didn't get the references and I thought it was cool and I assumed that Drake's push ups was going to be something on par and I listened to it and was...amused? 

On Zhong's advice, will finish watching the video essay that he sent over. 

Also debating whether I should take more time to make a bunch of websites. I am watching this dude MarcLou and I'm gaining some kind of inspiration.