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 I read this morning about a kid who killed himself. Phillip something and he threw himself off a building at MIT. In a lot of ways, I think I resonated with him. I'm not going to off myself. I don't think I ever have the guts to do so. 

I keep thinking back to the relationship I had with Jaime. It really sucks ending the relationship the way that we did. I still feel the after effects of the conversation that we had. It's been precisely a week.

I think we are better apart. Even as I write that I do not believe it. I don't know. My head and my heart are in disagreement. I think I just wanted to be loved. And split up mutually. I think I need to hold on to the other conversations we had when breaking up and then totally disregarding the last one that ended in such a burning dumpster fire. I was really unhappy in the relationship. I think I keep forgetting that, and instead him telling me that he is doing so much better and happier and that he had this vision of our future together really fucked with me. 


Let's look at some good things. I finally finished the kitchen cabinets. I get my dining area back! I'm so happy about all that space. I kind of want to finish working on the house but I think time away would be good for that. 

Speaking about time away. I am going away for a bit. I think a change in scenery would be good for me and everybody actually says so. I am going to trust in the people that love me and do what they tell me. I am a menace to myself and other than Jaime, I think I hate myself the most. 

I fluctuate between looking forward and wanting to stay here in Seattle, but again, I should trust in the people that love me. I think they know better. They should know better.

Now, the reason why I wrote this. I need a to do list for today

1. Pottery studio - 1 hour

2. Rialto orthodontics - 1.5 hour

3. Finishing up work - 2 hours

4. Water plants - .5 hours

5. Dishes - .5 hours

6. Laundry - .5 hours

7. Meetings - 1 hour

8. Packing - 2 hours 

    a. Hiking gear for Mount KK

    b. Visa stuff - Green Card, Passport, 

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