It seems as though I love to procrastinate. This is evidenced by the fact that I’m supposed to study for my optimization midterms; the final exam of my undergraduate life, and hopefully not my last exam for life. I say that because I hope to further my education one day, but not immediately. Ain’t nobody got that kind of time and money. Money especially. Can’t subject my parents to another 2 years of working to the bone to support their leeching child. I say that, yet I’m so worried about everything. I’m worried I can’t find a job. I’m worried I’ll find a job and regret it. I’m worried that people don’t think me as impressive. I’m worried I’ll die and all I can claim to contribute to this society is nothing. I never intend to have kids, so the only thing I can do to leave a legacy is through my work. I’m worried I’m not doing enough. I beat myself up for any day that I don’t achieve everything on my to-do list. Sometimes I think I just shouldn’t do to-do lists because they str...
I don't know if I miss you or if I miss being in a relationship. I don't know if I can ever be with you anymore. Just had a dream about you weirdly at my high school, teaching something apparently. Seems like it's because I was thinking of you and I had the conversation with my brother about people going back to high school and how much of a loser I think those people are. I think I miss being in a relationship, cause there isn't specific aspects about you that I miss per se. It's more of hey I miss sticking my feet under your butt when we watch TV on the couch. Going to bed when you're already sleeping. Sex I guess. It's the routine I kinda miss. Then again, I never had the routines with anybody else, those are solely ours. I guess I'll talk to you again in a couple months, see where we are then. Don't think you'll have changed at all. I don't think it'll work nevertheless. I think I kinda hate you for suggesting we meet again in...
I don't know what I want to do in life. I think I am a drifter by nature. The life where I settle down in one place might just never and won't happen. I like living in different places. Maybe I'm just destined to live in many places in my life. I don't know what to do. While I feel as though time just slips through my fingers, somehow I'm unable to do the things I want to do, yet I'm doing all the things that I don't want to do. My to-do list keeps piling up everyday. And with each day that I work, I'm unable to find the energy to do anything anymore. I keep thinking I just need more time, but maybe that's not it. Maybe I lack the organization to do things. Or maybe I just lack the energy in general. I want to be good-good in algorithms. Having enough tools in my tool kit such that I'm able to have a concept or at least an idea of how I'm supposed to do problems. Being able to visualize and understand problems in a way that I never was abl...
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