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 I woke up with my heart hurting today. It's been a week and my heart hasn't hurt but it hurt today. I did a stupid thing and instead of self soothing, I just went and decided to stalk some social media. Now my heart hurts more.

Trying to be aware of my surroundings. I am home in Malaysia. Surrounded by photos of happy memories. 

I  think I'm scared that our relationship meant nothing to him. I am anxious that all that love and care and work that I had with him together meant nothing to him. That I'm just a stepping stone to move on. It felt like he said that with some of his exes.

It's  hard to keep in mind that he loved me. He LOVED me. That he would do anything for me. He would try his very best to make me happy.  Even when I didn't feel it, I need to know that he loves me. 

The sad thing is I can't really even think of anything that showed that he cared for me. I'm trying really hard to hold on to the memories of him caring for me and many a times I'm even coming up blank. 

He held me when my grandmama died. He held me on the floor of his bedroom. He told me jokes in the morning. He called me nugget. He held me when we woke up. He gave me cuddles whenever I needed it. I need to feel this love.

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