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 I do run anxiously attached. 

Met up with Jaime yesterday and I feel it all in my body. Scheduled a session with Jen and hopefully I'll feel better about it. 

We talked yesterday. I wrote him a letter today. My heart is pounding, i feel disconnected with reality. I should be hungry but I'm not. I am feeling withdrawals all over me. It feels better now than when I woke up but I still feel terrible. 

It's hard to pinpoint what is the reason for my distress. I am trying really hard to be in tune with my emotions but it is very hard. They constantly elude me. The dogs do make me feel less alone. 

My nose ring fell out this morning and it took a bit to put it back in. And for a moment I thought about not putting it back in. 

Is it because I feel rejected? It is because I was very vulnerable and then he kind of dismissed/didn't really take accountability the way I wanted him to? 

I do feel pain. I don't know where this pain came from. I do feel a lot better writing that letter to Jaime. But I do feel a lot of pain. I am not sure why and how. Is it rejection? Not really. I don't even know. I want it to stop. I want to not feel this pain anymore. But I don't know how to. I don't know how to and what I can do.

Okay maybe the cure is to just have Jaime call me. Cause he did and we had phone sex and now I feel all better. Wow. I think it really was just the rejection. 

I really did try to make him feel better about himself.


This is the letter I wrote -> 

Hey Jaime,

It's very illuminating to have these talks with you. I am hearing a lot about how you feel more so during our relationship.

I'm sorry I have caused you pain. That I have made you feel badly about yourself. That makes a lot of sense. I am sorry. I did not know the impact of my words nor did I know that a lot of things I said would make you feel badly. I don't think I really knew the value of my words and words are both cheap and expensive to me, it's the way I was brought up and the only thing I knew for a very long time. I was also in a lot of pain for most of our relationship and that was reflected in the way I treated you. Hurt people hurt people. I am sorry. It is not fair. It's not an excuse for anything. I hope that you can forgive me. Know that I truly think the world of you. You have taught me so much and changed me in many different ways. Know that you are so so special to me and that I really value our relationship. I tried to show you all that and I hope that during our relationship, you’ve felt how much that I have cared for and loved you.

I am sad and I am mad. I am scared to live this life without you. I am sad that despite everything, we didn't work out. I loved you so much and tried so hard. I am still hurt above all else and bitter about how I felt during our relationship. I am hurt that you are moving on and are happy without me in your life.

I thought I was over this pain yet here I am, pouring it onto a page in VS code. Crying non stop.

My heart hurts but this has helped.

Why does it feel like I want him more when he rejects me? Am I that broken?

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