Why do you not commit suicide?

 What a good question. 

I would say nothing. 

Living is full of endless possibilities. Not really endless, but more endless than dying. Committing suicide puts an end to those possibilities. And while I think I do live without regrets. I try my best to tell the people that love me, that I love them too. I try to show them my love. I don't really have long term plans just in case I die tomorrow, just so I don't really have regrets. 

I think me being gone would make the people that knew me, sad. And I think many people know me. Many people loved me. While it makes sense that when I'm gone, I won't see their pain and I know people are resilient and eventually get over the fact that I'll be gone. I also think I'm resilient, and regardless of how hard life is, it's never as hard as not having a chance to live it. 

Who am I to defy everybody else's expectations? I think people think highly of me and love me. I don't want to disappoint them. I don't want to make the people I love be in pain. I don't want to cause pain. It would kill me to know that I caused my loved ones pain. I still think I have love for people. Do I? 

I love making people laugh, crack a smile. Making people happy gives me a purpose in life. Making people feel emotions. I want to be the happiness in people's lives. I can't die. I won't die. I don't know what happens after this but at least I know I have more control than I have after this. 

I don't know if this makes sense. It's sort of rambly. But I'm so happy. 

 I am writing again. 

I can't with this weather. This weather affects me so much it's really terrible. 

Have had more time with myself this weekend and I'm feeling really so lonely. It's a different type of loneliness than I was with Jaime that I never felt when I was with him. It's weird. I don't know how to describe it. 

While I feel closer to friends and family than I ever had when I was in a relationship, there's just something that only a relationship can replace. 

And this weather is just making me sad. 

On the bright side. I am sleeping better than I ever have slept and I am gaining muscle mass and I think I look good. 

I feel at peace with my friends and family and while I still dislike my job, I've grown to tolerate it better. I am still figuring out myself and my lifestyle and what I like out of a partner. Which, I downloaded Hinge very briefly out of loneliness and honestly just hate it all. I hate the idea of dating, I hate the idea that people are reduced to just an online profile, I feel like it's impossible to know them. I don't really care too much about appearances. And generally, dating just sucks I don't want to do it. 

I think on a lot of levels I still really really love Jaime. Got tipsy the other day and found this note on my notes app just telling him how much I love him and how I missed him and that I can't tell him any of it. I think it's just life that we likely just always love the people we have loved and I don't know what to do with any of it unless I just move on. I guess. 

 It's been a busy week. I'm always surprised how my schedule fills up so fast and there are many days where I feel terrible and lonely and yet just the next day, regardless of nothing changing, I feel so much better. I wonder what it is. 

Couple things on my mind today. Pottery projects. I want to do a drape vase that would be pretty cool. I think it would mainly be a vase and probably glazed in white. I think I want to make a cereal bowl for Shyn too. She doesn't want a white glaze so I'll look into options, I'm thinking maybe yellow. I'll have to throw those bowls on a wheel and then joining them later. 

I wanted to go to the studio today but it seems I might not have the time. 

Formation stuff. I have not yet gotten into it this week. I guess due to the massive drain in energy I had early this week from just the weekend and all the emotional and hormonal stuff that I go through. I'm wondering what is an easy way of making sure that doesn't affect me as much. It's been a bit too much where I oscillate between being totally okay to being an emotional wreck. 

The thing is, when I'm an emotional wreck, I tend to not be able to get out of it without just time and I self destruct and I don't even know. Do terrible things to my own self esteem and just doing terrible things in general where my regular self would not be okay with. I think I maybe need a therapist to deal with it but idek ngl. Maybe when I feel bad I need to be able to grasp certain small activities that would make me feel better. Like eating, and going for a walk and doing pottery idk. 

Just work. 

Also learning and all that seems really overwhelming cause there's just so much to learn. I really want to fundamentally understand linear algebra and I still don't get it. Sigh. 

 I think I need to write. 

My body is so sore. I ran yesterday with Kevin and Eician. My knees hurt. 

I feel so alone. I feel a level of limerence towards Jaime. It's been like this since Friday/Saturday, where I saw a glimpse/heard of glimpse of him. I miss him so much. 

Hung out with the board game people and even Jenny knew about the breakup. That kind of hurts me. I don't like that. How did she know? Not that it's a secret but now people are asking me about my dating life and that just sucks.

I think any day that I wake up and have no plans for the day itself, I feel down. Doesn't help that yesterday night kind of sucked cause we played terraforming mars and all I could think about was Jaime and how if he was there, it would be so much more fun. There would be jokes and little glances and dumb commentary and I really, really miss him. He gave me so much confidence and fun times whenever he was in a great mood. 

I think I go through phases like this where I just miss the guy. I don't even know if I miss him or I miss the idea of him. Seeing him in a blurry picture makes me all sorts of out of place. I was so scared driving yesterday night and I just wished he was there. There are so many moments like that literally within our relationship where I was scared and wished he was there but he wasn't. So I don't know why I'm romanticizing this. It is literally the same. I'm so glad his family is okay though. That little tidbit that Cyndi asked for me felt good. I feel a little better yet a little bad too.  

I just really hate that friends that knew him that I haven't seen in a while bringing him up. The board games people asking about my dating life just really really sucked. Cyndi and Alan asking about him and talking about him really really sucked too. Fucking Eric too. I don't know why. Maybe I just don't have the best people around me yet. 

I think terraforming mars made me sad.