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 I am writing again. 

I can't with this weather. This weather affects me so much it's really terrible. 

Have had more time with myself this weekend and I'm feeling really so lonely. It's a different type of loneliness than I was with Jaime that I never felt when I was with him. It's weird. I don't know how to describe it. 

While I feel closer to friends and family than I ever had when I was in a relationship, there's just something that only a relationship can replace. 

And this weather is just making me sad. 

On the bright side. I am sleeping better than I ever have slept and I am gaining muscle mass and I think I look good. 

I feel at peace with my friends and family and while I still dislike my job, I've grown to tolerate it better. I am still figuring out myself and my lifestyle and what I like out of a partner. Which, I downloaded Hinge very briefly out of loneliness and honestly just hate it all. I hate the idea of dating, I hate the idea that people are reduced to just an online profile, I feel like it's impossible to know them. I don't really care too much about appearances. And generally, dating just sucks I don't want to do it. 

I think on a lot of levels I still really really love Jaime. Got tipsy the other day and found this note on my notes app just telling him how much I love him and how I missed him and that I can't tell him any of it. I think it's just life that we likely just always love the people we have loved and I don't know what to do with any of it unless I just move on. I guess. 


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