Career

I think the information that I like to read boils down to a couple things. 

Summary of information. Discovery of new information, and lastly reading about experiences. 

Documenting information is painful and annoying. I think I rely on my brain too much and expect to rely on my brain way too much.

Writing in a way that makes sense to other people is also incredibly difficult. 

Even writing back to myself is difficult a lot of the times.

I do think I spend a lot of my time in this daze of de motivation. I can't stop thinking of all the things I want to do in my life, and yet I lack the drive to do it. I can only conclude that the things aren't motivation enough.

Surprisingly, when people around me are motivated, it triggers something inside me to also be motivated. I don't know if it's competitiveness. I don't think so because when people are better than me, it makes me sad. I have a huge ego. 

Yet, I admire the drive. The bravery of people to share things and be willing to share things. Still, I'm unable to push myself to produce things the way that people do. 

I think I want to start out simple. I think I need to stick to habits. I have been unable to create new habits and I think in part it's largely because I've been bouncing back and forth to my boyfriend's and I lack organizational skills and most of my abilities are stuck to triggers.

Things around my apartment are triggers for me to start on various habits and without those, in a new environment, I tend to not work on the things that I want to, and that I should be. 

I really want to start writing more. I think, at the very least, organizing my thoughts on a daily basis would be a huge blessing, rather than just writing whenever I feel strong emotions.

Obsession Part 2

Opened tabs littering my screen. Analysis Paralysis. There are too many things to do in this life and too little time. 

The device in front of me allowing me to reach the depths of this world. Joining the hive mind. The collective ideas that come out of people. I need to join it. I need to join the collection of knowledge. Joining my stream to this ocean of information. 

My refusal to be part of the ocean makes me secluded. My little puddle being fed by small streams of water, growing yet never having the potential to be anything bigger than a puddle. It's full of life. Anemone everywhere, sustaining wildlife, allowing things to drink from me. 

I think I've been running a long time. It's refreshing to take a deep breathe here. To access my resources. 

I think I might not be even a fraction of the brilliance I thought I was. My brain stagnating, just like that puddle of water. 

Obsession

 I don't recognize myself. The yearning. The heart pounding, the lump down my throat, the pressure on my chest. 

Acoustic beats play in my ear and I don't notice them anymore. 

All I want is you.

All I want is to know that I'm loved by you.

The object of my hyperfocus obsession. The constant earworm of my brain. I want to tell you everything. I can't be without you and I can't be with you.

This stupid device in my hand allows me to be with you every second of the day. Just a few taps away. Just a few taps away. Just a few taps away. 

Looking at the screen, willing the black mirror to come alive. To tell me that you love me. 

 I don't even know what to say. 

I'm anxious cause I feel rejected.

I don't know how to feel less rejected. Apparently, I have to accept it. 

So here. He said he doesn't want to talk. That there's nothing to talk about because I broke up with him. 

He doesn't want to talk. He doesn't care about the relationship the way that you think he does. 

Respect that he doesn't want to talk, and that me trying to force it is just me trying to make myself feel better.

It's over. He never wants to be with someone that threatens the relationship. Girl you done fucked up. 

It is the feeling of rejection. Whenever I think of him not wanting to see me, the anxiety comes back. I think it's really detrimental to see him now especially. 

You are single now. 

Life is going to be perilous here. You are going to feel lonely. You will miss your friends and family. Focus on your career, focus on the friendships that you want to cultivate, focus on hobbies, skills, the apartment, fitness and being as present as possible with family.

There are still a couple months of summer left. Go out, work on running again. 

My heart is heavy today. I don't really know how I feel to be perfectly honest.

I am a little hurt that he didn't bother to text or talk to me. Then again, I am not surprised. 

Am I okay never talking to him again? I don't think so. I don't think I can stand not seeing or talking to him again. But I'm going to be okay. It's going to be okay.

He didn't bother to listen to you. 

He didn't bother to check in on you the entire time you were on vacation. 

He didn't bother to check in on you the entire time his family was here.

All he thought about was Ada. Ada's mom.

He wouldn't make the effort to get rid of her things when you asked him to.

That's not your responsibility. You don't need to feel any responsibility to make him feel better.

He would nit pick on the smallest things about you. Make you feel more and more insecure, make you think that there's something wrong with you. Tell you that your anxiety was invalid, that your feelings are invalid.

He would tell you that you interrupted him and he would lose his temper at you.

He would lose his temper at you for no reason.

He wouldn't support you. Never helped you with things around the house. Never gave you the confidence you needed. 

Made you feel so small.

He didn't tell you that he loved you. 

He doesn't love you. 

He would never chase you down.

He told you that he would never chase you down.

That I wasn't worth it.

He didn't even care that you left. 

He never did. 

He never told you the stuff that plagues him. 

He is not your partner. 

He is not somebody you want to spend your life with. Somebody that doesn't share with you their hopes and dreams and problems.

And I'm worth more than that. 

 I guess it's over.

I don't have to deal with the ghost of Ada anymore.

I don't have to deal with the tantrums and the moodiness and the feeling of inadequacy and not feeling loved anymore.

I don't know why I bother to try to get closure. I guess I'll never need to get that.

I really thought this was different. I guess it's not. 

And I really tried this time. I don't think it's me. I think I did well this time. I'm actually really proud of myself. 

And yes there's still care and love but. That will go away in time. Eventually you won't even think about him anymore. 

He doesn't want to talk to you. You know you're going to be better without him. So just leave. You don't have to say anything more. Just leave. 

 Cars and trucks drive past the busy street beside mine. They are so loud. I hate this apartment.

Waking me up from a dreamless sleep

It's way too early in the morning and I don't know what to do. The heat is sticking to my skin.

My apartment seems so foreign to me. It feels less like home than when I woke up with my friends.

My legs ache from the hiking I have done. Reminding me of the days past, that I was once happy, even though it was only a day or two ago. 

Oh, how much has happened in a day or two 

I thought you were my life. The bright spot in my otherwise gloomy world. 

You have left now. There isn't a bright spot in my world any more. The sun has set. 

 I need to find another source of light. 

How do I feel seeing that you have ignored my messages yet again? That you do not care about me anymore. That I mean nothing to you.

I don't feel like holding on. I don't want to feel less than you anymore. I don't want to feel as though I'm the only person caring about this. I don't want to feel the worthlessness that I feel around you. That I am not a part of your life. That I mean nothing. That you need me because you have no one. 

I hate the fact that you pick on the smallest and dumbest shit that happens. That you are perturbed by everything, that you never let bygones be bygones.

I still think having you around is better than not having anybody around. 

I don't crave you anymore.

I think I need go get up. Create my own bright spot. Create the meaning in my life instead of expecting you to be mine. 

It hurts, it sucks, it pains me. But I think it's time for me to get up.