Birtydah

It's my birthday again, can't believe a year has passed entirely. 

I am actually really happy with life right now.

It's been a while since I said that. 

I love the people around me. Grateful for all the love these guys have for me.

 I am writing again. 

Today I received a notification that I had a package. And I think my nervous system went shot. Somehow, the idea of losing the last little bit of you made me so sad. I had dreams of you. I thought of you. I thought of 

I thought the package was from you. 

I forgotten about this entirely but I checked our shared album. You had already left. I didn't even know this. The little stone in me sank a little lower. 

Everything feels a little heavy today.

I got coffee and checked with Raudy on the packages and they were actually for Clarisse. I didn't feel more relieved however. 

The little stone is still there. 

 I am realizing that a lot of my grief comes just not knowing myself enough. 

I don't want to be my dad. I don't want to be my dad being scared of things. I don't know how to be a person. I am filled with so much grief and doubt. I don't think I'm ever really okay. I move and I do things and I meet people and they are all seemingly band aids to a hole inside me. 

I think I am perhaps depressed. 

What a new development. 

Somehow I feel so apathetic. I don't feel much for people anymore. I don't know what to do with this. 

I think I never spent my life ever thinking about a future with anybody. I never spent any time dreaming about what my future should look like. I don't know my values and I think I spend my life assuming that things will fall into place. And for the majority of it, it has. I think it has gotten to a point where I think I don't know anymore.  

Organization

 I think I have struggled with organization my whole life. I have dreamt up big dreams on what I want my life to be and what my life to look like and then totally give up on it 2 days later. I think I have also went through a period of not knowing what I wanted my life to look like. Perhaps it comes from not knowing myself well enough. I think I have not been able to be inspired about my life or just the pure inability to execute. 

I am in Turkey right now, in the Istanbul airport. I think I like to start off a lot of my journal by noticing just things around me. It is 8:17am in New York but 4:17pm in Istanbul. I am at the IGA lounge. An amazing lounge, and I feel like one of the only things that might make having a Priority Pass worth it. The lounges in the states are absolutely horrendous in comparison. 

At any rate, I have been diagnosed with ADHD, the primarily inattentive type. This is a little crazy but I'm now consistently on Strattera, which is a SNRI. And. My room is clean for once. I am thinking about doing a declutter of my life and I actually think I can do it. I want to start setting goals and achieving them, the small ones and not needing a HUGE URGENT THING to do anything. 

I want to be able to train for a marathon without needing to have a marathon NEXT WEEK.

I am still struggling a little. I think there is a lot of soul searching that I have to do. I think for a long time, in Seattle, I didn't feel like I have anybody that had qualities that I respect or look up to. But New York makes me feel like anything is possible. People are just impressive here. And it makes me want to be impressive too. 

It's nearly the end of the year. And I think I want to sit back and reflect on it a little. I think I want to have a habit of consistently journaling and perhaps this is the medium to do it. I think writing might still be the safest and the one I can keep accountable the most but I definitely prefer typing things out. I am surprised that generation these days even need to learn how to write things down. Is it even necessary? 

Okay, so, I think the goal of the next month is to figure out systems that work for me. Habit forming and value creation. I'm going to try to cut down the things that I commit to and focus on a few things that make me happy and motivated. 

Fingies

 I guess I will write.

My fingers ache as I type these words. 

Weary, as they have done so much for me.

They glide effortlessly across these keys, making clacking noises that soothes that little itch in my head.

They give me my meaning. 

They give me my livelihood.

They pull me up on a slab, they hold on to my mug, for my warm daily notes of chocolate and berries in my first sip of coffee. 

I see little wrinkles along my fingers. 

Every time I look down, the microscopic grooves get just microscopically bigger, signifying the passing of the wonderful days they that have served me. 

I don't know what the point of this is. 

Other than the gratitude that I can feel the ache in my fingers as I write this.

Over judgey

 I think I tend to divert back to being judgey and mean when I am not confident. I think mainly because it's a good defense mechanicsm from when I was younger. Gossiping and judging was a very good teenaage trait to have. It would immediately gain you friends. 

I do think I'm inherently not like so tho. Which is very frustrating. I don't want to be a mean and judgey person, but when I'm not confident, I become so, and then that diminishes my confidence even more. 

I don't tend to listen too much and that becomes something I regret too. 

I do think I am too hard on myself. I am inherently thinking that everybody judges me too, and I don't know if that's necessarily true. 

It scares me that people do. It's hard to be myself and I'm not even too sure who I am as a person anymore. 

I miss feeling self assured. I don't know. Some days I feel immensely so, and some days my confidence is really at a all time low. I don't know what gives me confidence. Friends do but it's so hit and miss so many days. 

Ah I think I feel inherently shit cause I think I hurt Matt's feelings. It's also really shitty when I accidentally hurt people's feelings with the truth. He overdid a bit but when I highlighted that it gave people the wrong impression cause he took the bit too far, I think he got hurt. But I think it wasn't really bad other than, hey you talk about this a lot. I guess it inherently implies that it's too much but I don't know. Feedback maybe is really bad if people don't want it but I think my point was more like, the bit is taken a little bit too far cause it gave me the wrong impression. 

I want them to like me. 

 I am tired.

I don't know how and why. 

I don't even know what I need anymore. I think I am just overwhelmed with everything and anything. Nothing really helps. And it's never ending. I want to leave badly. 

I just want a break. 

I think this is the plan. 

Right now, it's the end of March. I am already halfway done with my 401k account. I will be fully done by the end of June, which means I could technically quit end of June. Another stock vest would be on August 2025 and my final stock vest would November 2025. 

I would need to finish my taxes soon. That should be done this weekend hopefully. Looks like I am very very cash poor. I think I really need a financial plan to take a break for a bit. 

Maybe I should also drill down on why I feel as burnt out as I do. I think my apartment's a mess. I probably have anxiety just due to having loads of stuff just everywhere. 

And maybe Clarisse is right. I should just be writing lists. Just tons and tons of lists. 

1. Make financial plan

2. Do taxes

3. Clean apartment - storage coming on April 1st 

4. Fix linkedinqueens - want to make it autoscrape. 

5. Close out all the ICMs

 I am tired. 

I just want and long to be held. 

I am so tired. I want to just lie down and do nothing. 

Time passes so so fast. In a blink of an eye it's already March. It passes by so fast and so slow at the same time.  

I think I am present yet not at the same time. 

I am scared. 

Time feels like it's slipping through my fingers and I don't know what to do. 

 I am scared with the state of this world as of now. 

I am sitting at home in Lake Edge, it is 4am in the morning and I'm up working with a cup of coffee and some good tunes. 

Just read an article on policies that are happening in the US. At this point Musk is creating the Department of Government Efficiency and Trump is instigating a trade war. 

This scares me. Entirely due to the unpredictability of things. While I often thrive in unpredictability, the next year scares me a lot. A lot of the unpredictability that I thrive in is expected unpredictability. I am only allowed to thrive in it because it is a calculated risk and I depend on the predictability of other things to allow the unpredictable. 

I am still anxious about my job. I am anxious about the state of the world. I'm eager to return back to the states entirely cause I'm trying hard to get back into my routine. I want to go for a run. 

I'm debating coming home. Home is cushy and nice. I worry about my loved ones here. I worry that I don't have enough time to spend with them. I worry that my life flashes too fast, and I already feel like it's flashing. I want to hug my dog, let her know that I'm me and that she doesn't need to worry. I want to have late night talks with my brother and my mom, debating everything and nothing. I want to have somber, quiet time with my dad over breakfast, talking about the economy of the world and other interesting things. I want to listen to my cousins yap over their lives, play games with my friends, live life with them. 

I think this is the first time I have felt so so strongly in my gut about this. 

I think I will look into what my options would be. 

 Okay. 

I am stressed out about my job. I think I am not good enough and I am scared to ask. I am so scared to ask for things and I really need a job that is in person. I love this job though but it's hard for me to consistently push myself out of my comfort zone. 

I don't know what I should do at this point. 

I feel extremely stressed because I think I am not good enough. I don't know a lot of things and I feel like I don't remember a lot of things. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to ask cause it makes me feel like I'm bothering people and I forget what they've told me. 

 I think I might have to resign myself to the fact that maybe I really am not an organized person and will never be one. 

I think I might be trying to hard to somebody that I am not at this point and that's making me unhappy. 

Talked to mom and she mentioned that if my priority in New York is to have experiences, then I should go and have experiences, and everything should come secondary. That is kind of eye opening. I think I have been anxious to start a life and to build up towards things and maybe I should just take things on the cheek and chill out. 

My Lucky puppy is so so old. She's a little bag of bones and my heart hurts. I think I want to just give her love and take a lot of videos and pictures. I think that's what I want to do anyways. Just be present and experience life. 

Cyndi and Alan are coming tomorrow and I'm excited to show them around. I am excited to see all my old friends from Seattle to. 

I have a lot I want to do, lot's to document and lot's to learn from. I am going to try my best and I think I can look back years later and just rejoice that I tried. 

I want to run a half marathon this year. Gain some weight, make new friends, and just have new experiences and be better at the skills that I have picked up in Seattle. Climbing, pottery, running, writing, reading and then do things like going to museums and broadway shows and eating food. 

Speaking of, I should probably just make a list. I think being Type A or, attempting and planning things would make me a lot happier. 

New York is suiting me a lot better

 I don't know if it's having a roommate, or just New York is looking well on me, but I have been so happy and productive here. Sure, there are things that I dislike, but overall I am more positive and happy. Life is looking so amazing. 

Few goals for the year:

I want to document more. Document the journeys I have been on and I can document them after the fact. Dredge up videos, pictures, romanticize and make my own little journals. 

I want to cook more.

Run more. 

Get fitter. 

Work more. 

Build more

Be with family

Be with friends

Find a partner. 

 It's surprising how suddenly, one day, everything is okay. 

I'm writing down some things that friends have told me that warms my heart. 

Somebody said I have a sort of je ne sais quoi, that quality that attracts people without trying. That people want to talk to me and love to talk to me and while I'm not unattractive, it's not physical attractiveness. 

Somebody told me that people just like me, that I bring people together. That if I were going to a party, it would make other people go. People would go to parties and gatherings just cause I am there. 

Another person backed that up at a different time, that if I were going to a party, they would definitely want to go if I were there. 

Somebody told me that it was so easy to talk to me and that that really doesn't happen often in their lives. And that they especially enjoyed all their one-on-one time with me. 

Somebody told me, that they would meet multiple people every week and that it would take them months to meet somebody like me. 

Maybe a little racial, but somebody said I am the first Asian girl they would want to date. Okay, I don't know how I feel about that but at the moment it felt good. 

I think I have been too hard on myself. Everything is okay. 

I am the work of art

 I never used to think that posting on social media and romanticizing my life would be it. I always thought that that was attention seeking and painful to watch for other people.

But now the older I get, the more I think I should romanticize my life. I like art. I look at people's pottery, people's artwork and I marvel at the work that they are. 

But now I think that I should be the work of art. Everything that I touch should be beautiful. I think that caring is the secret to happiness. I used to be so angsty, thinking that not caring is the key to happiness, that I won't get rejected. That if I can't get rejected, that I would feel good in myself. 

The thing is I already know this. 

I also need to be good at being rejected. And knowing when to cut my losses when I am being rejected instead of pushing on for things. 

Anyway. Can't wait for New York! To start putting in effort into myself a bit more. To workout, look pretty, dress nice, curate a life for myself. 

 I think Jaime makes me sad. 

He makes me feel insecure and sad. 

I want distance more probably. I don't even know what I want. 

I want things from him that he is unable to give me. So, maybe I'm delusional. I think I'm definitely delusional.

Time is passing so slow these two days. 

I think I have some thing inside me that feels bad and I don't know why. 

It's probably the hangover and I will feel a lot better when I have had food and friends with me. I go through these intense feelings and I don't know what triggers them. I think seeing text messages in regards to Jaime is the trigger for a lot of pain. I also hate how he lies to my face. He lies and he lies.

I think I need time to cool down. I am angry and hurt and sad. 

 I think talking to my mom stresses me out. 

I don't know why they frustrate me so much. 

I feel very distant from my family. I think I rely on Jaime a lot but I should slowly wean off of him. I think he already has people that he leans on, so I probably should not lean on him as much. 

It is hard to move on when we still see each other so much. 

 I think I very occasionally feel depressed. Nowadays it's good as I'm able to get distracted and move on. I think I really really need to work in person because I was literally feeling so crappy and a short conversation with Pratyusha was able to make me feel so much better. 

I am sick today. Have a really bad sore throat and a fever. Which is really rare cause I never get sick. I feel like a baby. I want to be pampered and made to feel good. 

 I think my thoughts are a lot clearer today so I want to write them down. 

I think the portion of shame that comes is that I feel like maybe I don't deserve a relationship. That something must be wrong with me. Why does nobody want me to be their partner. I want to be somebody's partner. Also, why I hyper fixate so badly on Jaime. He has indicated and gave me mixed signals that he wants me. He is amazing and wonderful. Sure, we were really bad together. And the more I pause and think, I know that we were bad together. Yet. Am I the problem. Why am I so unlovable. 

Am I a good partner in life? 

If a friend of mine said that. 

You guys just weren't good together. He couldn't love you the way that you wanted him to. And you walked on eggshells constantly. You didn't feel supported by him. You wasted the past 2 years on this relationship. Let's not waste more time on this anymore. You are loved by so many. You are attractive, have a good personality (Do I have a good personality? You don't know anymore) and you are smart and capable. There is no reason you wouldn't find somebody that suits you better. The more time you spend groveling about this, the more time you waste on not finding somebody that is a better match for you. 

Jaime was amazing. Yes. But he likely will be amazing for somebody else. He didn't have the emotional capacity to be the person you needed. He admitted that and you know that. You like the idea of him. And understandably, you love him. You love him so much. He is also worthy of finding a love that won't make him feel as badly as he does. He needs somebody that is emotionally stable the way that you aren't. 

 Your'e not lonely boy. 

I hate my heart reaching out for you so much. I can still feel your skin lingering on mine. The warmth. Your smell. Intoxicating. 

I love you so much. Your touch is comforting. I just feel myself getting drawn to you over and over again. I tell myself you're bad for me. Cause you are. My brain gets so jumbled around you. We are not good together. We really weren't good together. You're a great person but oh my god. 

Pretty as a pair

Your hands held as I stare

As my heart longs for you right there

People have warned me 

Do I feel lonely or do I really want you

Is it love or is it fear of life

Is it obsession or is it love

At any rate. Many things make me think about my ex. And subsequently makes me feel lonely and stuck in a rut and that nobody loves me. 

I know it's not true but then and there, alone in my house. It makes me feel so desperate. 

I don't know. Maybe it's PMS.