It's surprising how suddenly, one day, everything is okay. 

I'm writing down some things that friends have told me that warms my heart. 

Somebody said I have a sort of je ne sais quoi, that quality that attracts people without trying. That people want to talk to me and love to talk to me and while I'm not unattractive, it's not physical attractiveness. 

Somebody told me that people just like me, that I bring people together. That if I were going to a party, it would make other people go. People would go to parties and gatherings just cause I am there. 

Another person backed that up at a different time, that if I were going to a party, they would definitely want to go if I were there. 

Somebody told me that it was so easy to talk to me and that that really doesn't happen often in their lives. And that they especially enjoyed all their one-on-one time with me. 

Somebody told me, that they would meet multiple people every week and that it would take them months to meet somebody like me. 

Maybe a little racial, but somebody said I am the first Asian girl they would want to date. Okay, I don't know how I feel about that but at the moment it felt good. 

I think I have been too hard on myself. Everything is okay. 

I am the work of art

 I never used to think that posting on social media and romanticizing my life would be it. I always thought that that was attention seeking and painful to watch for other people.

But now the older I get, the more I think I should romanticize my life. I like art. I look at people's pottery, people's artwork and I marvel at the work that they are. 

But now I think that I should be the work of art. Everything that I touch should be beautiful. I think that caring is the secret to happiness. I used to be so angsty, thinking that not caring is the key to happiness, that I won't get rejected. That if I can't get rejected, that I would feel good in myself. 

The thing is I already know this. 

I also need to be good at being rejected. And knowing when to cut my losses when I am being rejected instead of pushing on for things. 

Anyway. Can't wait for New York! To start putting in effort into myself a bit more. To workout, look pretty, dress nice, curate a life for myself. 

 I think Jaime makes me sad. 

He makes me feel insecure and sad. 

I want distance more probably. I don't even know what I want. 

I want things from him that he is unable to give me. So, maybe I'm delusional. I think I'm definitely delusional.

Time is passing so slow these two days. 

I think I have some thing inside me that feels bad and I don't know why. 

It's probably the hangover and I will feel a lot better when I have had food and friends with me. I go through these intense feelings and I don't know what triggers them. I think seeing text messages in regards to Jaime is the trigger for a lot of pain. I also hate how he lies to my face. He lies and he lies.

I think I need time to cool down. I am angry and hurt and sad. 

 I think talking to my mom stresses me out. 

I don't know why they frustrate me so much. 

I feel very distant from my family. I think I rely on Jaime a lot but I should slowly wean off of him. I think he already has people that he leans on, so I probably should not lean on him as much. 

It is hard to move on when we still see each other so much. 

 I think I very occasionally feel depressed. Nowadays it's good as I'm able to get distracted and move on. I think I really really need to work in person because I was literally feeling so crappy and a short conversation with Pratyusha was able to make me feel so much better. 

I am sick today. Have a really bad sore throat and a fever. Which is really rare cause I never get sick. I feel like a baby. I want to be pampered and made to feel good. 

 I think my thoughts are a lot clearer today so I want to write them down. 

I think the portion of shame that comes is that I feel like maybe I don't deserve a relationship. That something must be wrong with me. Why does nobody want me to be their partner. I want to be somebody's partner. Also, why I hyper fixate so badly on Jaime. He has indicated and gave me mixed signals that he wants me. He is amazing and wonderful. Sure, we were really bad together. And the more I pause and think, I know that we were bad together. Yet. Am I the problem. Why am I so unlovable. 

Am I a good partner in life? 

If a friend of mine said that. 

You guys just weren't good together. He couldn't love you the way that you wanted him to. And you walked on eggshells constantly. You didn't feel supported by him. You wasted the past 2 years on this relationship. Let's not waste more time on this anymore. You are loved by so many. You are attractive, have a good personality (Do I have a good personality? You don't know anymore) and you are smart and capable. There is no reason you wouldn't find somebody that suits you better. The more time you spend groveling about this, the more time you waste on not finding somebody that is a better match for you. 

Jaime was amazing. Yes. But he likely will be amazing for somebody else. He didn't have the emotional capacity to be the person you needed. He admitted that and you know that. You like the idea of him. And understandably, you love him. You love him so much. He is also worthy of finding a love that won't make him feel as badly as he does. He needs somebody that is emotionally stable the way that you aren't. 

 Your'e not lonely boy. 

I hate my heart reaching out for you so much. I can still feel your skin lingering on mine. The warmth. Your smell. Intoxicating. 

I love you so much. Your touch is comforting. I just feel myself getting drawn to you over and over again. I tell myself you're bad for me. Cause you are. My brain gets so jumbled around you. We are not good together. We really weren't good together. You're a great person but oh my god. 

Pretty as a pair

Your hands held as I stare

As my heart longs for you right there

People have warned me 

Do I feel lonely or do I really want you

Is it love or is it fear of life

Is it obsession or is it love

At any rate. Many things make me think about my ex. And subsequently makes me feel lonely and stuck in a rut and that nobody loves me. 

I know it's not true but then and there, alone in my house. It makes me feel so desperate. 

I don't know. Maybe it's PMS. 

 Being creative is so hard. 

I think one of my life goals is to be a published author. So I think I'm also going to start working on that. I think the goal is the end of my twenties, I should have published a book. 

I think I used to write so much as a kid. Nearly every day, every week, I would be writing something. 

I still write. Of course. But I think I've evolved to have some sort of judgement towards the things that I have written. 

There is a month in between pottery classes for me. I think I should start working on writing a novel within that period. 

I think I had a bucket list somewhere stored when I was a kid. I think running a marathon was one of them. Moving to New York was one of them. As well as being a published author. Now, one of my goals is to also be a competitive programmer as well as learn Spanish fluently. I think I also want to learn how to play chess well enough to win at least ONE game. Thanks to my ex haha. 

I don't think I'll change the world anymore. Although, I am really more confident in my abilities as time as gone by. I think I'm the most confident that I have been in a very long time. I think I know myself so well now. I didn't think I would survive until today. If I'm being honest. I think I spent a lot of my life thinking about death and how I would die so early. Turns out I haven't died early. Let me take a peek of that bucket list. 

You know what's weird. I found that bucket list. And having children was one of the items on that list. Yeah. It hits me kind of hard somehow. I think, until the end, I don't know if Jaime ever believed me about it and it makes me kind of sad. 

Lots of the things that I have written are probably not applicable anymore. I don't think I want to go to Tomorrowland or drive a Beetle. I do not want to go on any more roadtrips, esp not one from LA to NYC. I'm too old for that. But some are still relevant. Let me write an updated bucket list. 

On the bright side. Looking at some of the old entries that I have written in here. I think I have matured a LOT as a person. I don't think I dislike my parents the way that I did back then. I think I have figured out how to get along with them. Also, thank goodness, I stopped writing all UWU style. 

1. Run a full marathon
2. Backpack around Europe
3. Backpack around Asia
4. Write and record a song (I will settle for just putting a song on SoundCloud/Spotify)
5. Fly a plane
6. Learn a foreign language
7. Write and publish a book (will settle for self-publishing)
8. Move to New York City
9. Do a stand-up routine set (will settle for open mic)
10. Win a game of chess
11. Win a competitive programming competition

I think this is small enough to achieve. Let's go baby. 

 The goal of this exercise is to keep my pen moving. I would describe the stuff that I make as functional. I like organic, flowy ideas as well as having a certain pattern about it. Very Fibonacci sequence. I like working with white clay really cause it's easy. I like food, I like to make things for people I love, I think I make the best things when I make things for people I love, as in, I have a person in mind that I am making it for. 

What and why of my work. 

I want to create functional pieces. Each with a person in mind. That has organic, set patterns in it. In this exhibition, I have food as a theme. I also like nature as a theme. I like the idea of a plant themed exhibit, a nature formation kind of theme too. These are my influences as my upbringing. I like Malaysia. 

I think Jaime would be a piece. My mom. My brother. My dad. My grandma. 

family themed pieces, for food? For nature? I feel like each person gives me different vibes. Like, Shyn Ru would be a food pieces, so would Jaime. Whereas mama would be a plant themed one, popo would be a natural formation kind of piece. Daddy would also be a nature formation kind of theme. Koko would be a food themed. 

I think it would be Seattle themed for this first exhibit. And probably mainly for my friends. 

A bouldering piece, a nature piece, a piece for my friends. A piece for Jaime. The pig roast. The honda. The tennis. Hawaii. The depression pieces. The green card piece. The desperation piece. The finding love piece. The insecurity pieces. The awe. 

On lonely boy.

Pause.

I think I need to pause. 

I think I heal things by running away. 

By keeping myself so busy and entirely wrecking my own body. 

I don't know how else to do this. 

I'm going to the grocery store. 

Why do you not commit suicide?

 What a good question. 

I would say nothing. 

Living is full of endless possibilities. Not really endless, but more endless than dying. Committing suicide puts an end to those possibilities. And while I think I do live without regrets. I try my best to tell the people that love me, that I love them too. I try to show them my love. I don't really have long term plans just in case I die tomorrow, just so I don't really have regrets. 

I think me being gone would make the people that knew me, sad. And I think many people know me. Many people loved me. While it makes sense that when I'm gone, I won't see their pain and I know people are resilient and eventually get over the fact that I'll be gone. I also think I'm resilient, and regardless of how hard life is, it's never as hard as not having a chance to live it. 

Who am I to defy everybody else's expectations? I think people think highly of me and love me. I don't want to disappoint them. I don't want to make the people I love be in pain. I don't want to cause pain. It would kill me to know that I caused my loved ones pain. I still think I have love for people. Do I? 

I love making people laugh, crack a smile. Making people happy gives me a purpose in life. Making people feel emotions. I want to be the happiness in people's lives. I can't die. I won't die. I don't know what happens after this but at least I know I have more control than I have after this. 

I don't know if this makes sense. It's sort of rambly. But I'm so happy. 

 I am writing again. 

I can't with this weather. This weather affects me so much it's really terrible. 

Have had more time with myself this weekend and I'm feeling really so lonely. It's a different type of loneliness than I was with Jaime that I never felt when I was with him. It's weird. I don't know how to describe it. 

While I feel closer to friends and family than I ever had when I was in a relationship, there's just something that only a relationship can replace. 

And this weather is just making me sad. 

On the bright side. I am sleeping better than I ever have slept and I am gaining muscle mass and I think I look good. 

I feel at peace with my friends and family and while I still dislike my job, I've grown to tolerate it better. I am still figuring out myself and my lifestyle and what I like out of a partner. Which, I downloaded Hinge very briefly out of loneliness and honestly just hate it all. I hate the idea of dating, I hate the idea that people are reduced to just an online profile, I feel like it's impossible to know them. I don't really care too much about appearances. And generally, dating just sucks I don't want to do it. 

I think on a lot of levels I still really really love Jaime. Got tipsy the other day and found this note on my notes app just telling him how much I love him and how I missed him and that I can't tell him any of it. I think it's just life that we likely just always love the people we have loved and I don't know what to do with any of it unless I just move on. I guess. 

 It's been a busy week. I'm always surprised how my schedule fills up so fast and there are many days where I feel terrible and lonely and yet just the next day, regardless of nothing changing, I feel so much better. I wonder what it is. 

Couple things on my mind today. Pottery projects. I want to do a drape vase that would be pretty cool. I think it would mainly be a vase and probably glazed in white. I think I want to make a cereal bowl for Shyn too. She doesn't want a white glaze so I'll look into options, I'm thinking maybe yellow. I'll have to throw those bowls on a wheel and then joining them later. 

I wanted to go to the studio today but it seems I might not have the time. 

Formation stuff. I have not yet gotten into it this week. I guess due to the massive drain in energy I had early this week from just the weekend and all the emotional and hormonal stuff that I go through. I'm wondering what is an easy way of making sure that doesn't affect me as much. It's been a bit too much where I oscillate between being totally okay to being an emotional wreck. 

The thing is, when I'm an emotional wreck, I tend to not be able to get out of it without just time and I self destruct and I don't even know. Do terrible things to my own self esteem and just doing terrible things in general where my regular self would not be okay with. I think I maybe need a therapist to deal with it but idek ngl. Maybe when I feel bad I need to be able to grasp certain small activities that would make me feel better. Like eating, and going for a walk and doing pottery idk. 

Just work. 

Also learning and all that seems really overwhelming cause there's just so much to learn. I really want to fundamentally understand linear algebra and I still don't get it. Sigh. 

 I think I need to write. 

My body is so sore. I ran yesterday with Kevin and Eician. My knees hurt. 

I feel so alone. I feel a level of limerence towards Jaime. It's been like this since Friday/Saturday, where I saw a glimpse/heard of glimpse of him. I miss him so much. 

Hung out with the board game people and even Jenny knew about the breakup. That kind of hurts me. I don't like that. How did she know? Not that it's a secret but now people are asking me about my dating life and that just sucks.

I think any day that I wake up and have no plans for the day itself, I feel down. Doesn't help that yesterday night kind of sucked cause we played terraforming mars and all I could think about was Jaime and how if he was there, it would be so much more fun. There would be jokes and little glances and dumb commentary and I really, really miss him. He gave me so much confidence and fun times whenever he was in a great mood. 

I think I go through phases like this where I just miss the guy. I don't even know if I miss him or I miss the idea of him. Seeing him in a blurry picture makes me all sorts of out of place. I was so scared driving yesterday night and I just wished he was there. There are so many moments like that literally within our relationship where I was scared and wished he was there but he wasn't. So I don't know why I'm romanticizing this. It is literally the same. I'm so glad his family is okay though. That little tidbit that Cyndi asked for me felt good. I feel a little better yet a little bad too.  

I just really hate that friends that knew him that I haven't seen in a while bringing him up. The board games people asking about my dating life just really really sucked. Cyndi and Alan asking about him and talking about him really really sucked too. Fucking Eric too. I don't know why. Maybe I just don't have the best people around me yet. 

I think terraforming mars made me sad. 

 I have love I need to pour out.

I have adored you the moment I met you. Perhaps I never told you that. Be it my ego, be it my pride. You swept me off my feet, being so incessantly charming, it oozes out of you. How could I not help but fall in love so hard and so fast that it felt like a crash. Leaving me with broken bones and a broken heart. I physically hurt. 

I can't believe I had you. I still can't. I still don't believe I had you. You were so perfect and amazing that I couldn't believe that you wanted me the way I wanted you. To be loved by you didn't feel right. I still wonder if you ever did. You looked me in my eyes and told me you would die for me. And yet I didn't believe it. I am still trying so hard to. 

My heart is stone now. And I have turned yours the same. It's better this way. Logically, it won't hurt anymore. I like it this way. I finally feel like I love my little stone heart, my little ego, my little pride. It keeps me safe. From your love. 

 Hello, 

I'm writing here again. 

It's been time. I don't know how long has passed and how long more is it going to be. The days just kind of pass in a blur. I am very happy. I think that's the predominant feeling that I am feeling. I am learning things and making jokes and seeing progress in the things that I take heart in. I have goals and dreams and steps to achieve them. 

I have people that love me and show me that they love me. Life is good. 

I lost my sunglasses a few days ago. I got very sad as they were the pair that I got when I went shopping with Jaime's mom. I ordered the exact same pair off of it's website but that's not the same. 

I am playing tennis. I watched a bunch of videos this morning and I'm eager to start using the skills that I learnt in practice. There are truly too many things that I want to do and frankly, probably not enough time. 

 I don't know why I'm writing here. 

I think I want to iterate how loved that I am. I always forget it and I need to figure out how to feel it a lot more. 

I don't know what I'm doing. I had some thoughts but I don't know. 

I think for some reason, I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough, I'm not capable enough. I don't know why. 

I think being here did give me a lot of perspective that I'm doing better than I thought I am but I still feel behind. I feel like I don't have the time and energy to do anything but what am I doing with my time and energy? 

Maybe all I need to do is to quit my job. And I get more time and energy back to figure out what I am doing with my life. 

 I woke up with my heart hurting today. It's been a week and my heart hasn't hurt but it hurt today. I did a stupid thing and instead of self soothing, I just went and decided to stalk some social media. Now my heart hurts more.

Trying to be aware of my surroundings. I am home in Malaysia. Surrounded by photos of happy memories. 

I  think I'm scared that our relationship meant nothing to him. I am anxious that all that love and care and work that I had with him together meant nothing to him. That I'm just a stepping stone to move on. It felt like he said that with some of his exes.

It's  hard to keep in mind that he loved me. He LOVED me. That he would do anything for me. He would try his very best to make me happy.  Even when I didn't feel it, I need to know that he loves me. 

The sad thing is I can't really even think of anything that showed that he cared for me. I'm trying really hard to hold on to the memories of him caring for me and many a times I'm even coming up blank. 

He held me when my grandmama died. He held me on the floor of his bedroom. He told me jokes in the morning. He called me nugget. He held me when we woke up. He gave me cuddles whenever I needed it. I need to feel this love.

 I read this morning about a kid who killed himself. Phillip something and he threw himself off a building at MIT. In a lot of ways, I think I resonated with him. I'm not going to off myself. I don't think I ever have the guts to do so. 

I keep thinking back to the relationship I had with Jaime. It really sucks ending the relationship the way that we did. I still feel the after effects of the conversation that we had. It's been precisely a week.

I think we are better apart. Even as I write that I do not believe it. I don't know. My head and my heart are in disagreement. I think I just wanted to be loved. And split up mutually. I think I need to hold on to the other conversations we had when breaking up and then totally disregarding the last one that ended in such a burning dumpster fire. I was really unhappy in the relationship. I think I keep forgetting that, and instead him telling me that he is doing so much better and happier and that he had this vision of our future together really fucked with me. 

Let's look at some good things. I finally finished the kitchen cabinets. I get my dining area back! I'm so happy about all that space. I kind of want to finish working on the house but I think time away would be good for that. 

Speaking about time away. I am going away for a bit. I think a change in scenery would be good for me and everybody actually says so. I am going to trust in the people that love me and do what they tell me. I am a menace to myself and other than Jaime, I think I hate myself the most. 

I fluctuate between looking forward and wanting to stay here in Seattle, but again, I should trust in the people that love me. I think they know better. They should know better.

Now, the reason why I wrote this. I need a to do list for today

1. Pottery studio - 1 hour

2. Rialto orthodontics - 1.5 hour

3. Finishing up work - 2 hours

4. Water plants - .5 hours

5. Dishes - .5 hours

6. Laundry - .5 hours

7. Meetings - 1 hour

8. Packing - 2 hours 

    a. Hiking gear for Mount KK

    b. Visa stuff - Green Card, Passport, 

 Wow I am truly addicted to this person. 

I actually don't think that I am able to happily sustain a relationship with this person but the drug withdrawals are real. The extreme anxiety. The initial happiness when he replies, the disappointment when the high is not as high as it used to be. So here is my journal to keep track of things

• serving as a written reminder of why you’re leaving the relationship when you feel like reconsidering
• helping you reconnect with yourself and establish a clearer vision of your own goals and dreams
• allowing you to identify and process difficult emotions

 

He doesn't want to be with you. He has already said that. I don't know why you feel inclined to change his mind. Why beat a dead horse YX? 

You were very unhappy during the relationship. He was quite selfish and you were alone for most of it. You were very lonely. Remember that? 

Your goals are as follows. You want to leave your job. You want to rent out your apartment. You want to travel. You want a new job. You want to meet and see friends. You want a relationship that complements you.

You are addicted to this guy. There is nothing you can do. You can't accept that cause you are jonesing for your next hit.

 I do run anxiously attached. 

Met up with Jaime yesterday and I feel it all in my body. Scheduled a session with Jen and hopefully I'll feel better about it. 

We talked yesterday. I wrote him a letter today. My heart is pounding, i feel disconnected with reality. I should be hungry but I'm not. I am feeling withdrawals all over me. It feels better now than when I woke up but I still feel terrible. 

It's hard to pinpoint what is the reason for my distress. I am trying really hard to be in tune with my emotions but it is very hard. They constantly elude me. The dogs do make me feel less alone. 

My nose ring fell out this morning and it took a bit to put it back in. And for a moment I thought about not putting it back in. 

Is it because I feel rejected? It is because I was very vulnerable and then he kind of dismissed/didn't really take accountability the way I wanted him to? 

I do feel pain. I don't know where this pain came from. I do feel a lot better writing that letter to Jaime. But I do feel a lot of pain. I am not sure why and how. Is it rejection? Not really. I don't even know. I want it to stop. I want to not feel this pain anymore. But I don't know how to. I don't know how to and what I can do.

Okay maybe the cure is to just have Jaime call me. Cause he did and we had phone sex and now I feel all better. Wow. I think it really was just the rejection. 

I really did try to make him feel better about himself.

This is the letter I wrote -> 

Hey Jaime,

It's very illuminating to have these talks with you. I am hearing a lot about how you feel more so during our relationship.

I'm sorry I have caused you pain. That I have made you feel badly about yourself. That makes a lot of sense. I am sorry. I did not know the impact of my words nor did I know that a lot of things I said would make you feel badly. I don't think I really knew the value of my words and words are both cheap and expensive to me, it's the way I was brought up and the only thing I knew for a very long time. I was also in a lot of pain for most of our relationship and that was reflected in the way I treated you. Hurt people hurt people. I am sorry. It is not fair. It's not an excuse for anything. I hope that you can forgive me. Know that I truly think the world of you. You have taught me so much and changed me in many different ways. Know that you are so so special to me and that I really value our relationship. I tried to show you all that and I hope that during our relationship, you’ve felt how much that I have cared for and loved you.

I am sad and I am mad. I am scared to live this life without you. I am sad that despite everything, we didn't work out. I loved you so much and tried so hard. I am still hurt above all else and bitter about how I felt during our relationship. I am hurt that you are moving on and are happy without me in your life.

I thought I was over this pain yet here I am, pouring it onto a page in VS code. Crying non stop.

My heart hurts but this has helped.

Why does it feel like I want him more when he rejects me? Am I that broken?

 I am writing here again. I watched a YouTube video that says that people should keep their goals quiet cause that allows energy to go out and make people loose energy for working on something. I think there's truth to that. I think whenever I tell people about how I want to do something, I end up feeling like I have to live up to that expectation and I feel bad about it, which makes me less inclined to look for a position. 

I do feel the most motivated I have been in a long time. I do think I should definitely keep my goals quiet tho.

It is my birthday today. I keep forgetting about it. I don't really feel much different. It feels like any other day. That is kinda nice.

Hm. I just came back from New York last night. Taking the Link to Tukwila international boulevard from SeaTac made my Uber fee go from 60 -> 40. And it took 10 minutes to take the Link for one stop. I did feel unsafe on the Link though. That is to be expected I guess. Money savings always equal slight chance to be in slightly sketchier situations. Such is the world. 

I think I do need to look max. Learning a lot from hoe_math, which is interesting cause it views the world in such a different way than I do. He scribes that the valuable thing for women is looks, personality and purity, and outlines a ton of other stuff as things that women prioritize. I think I don't really know what I want out of my partner and I might need to take a good hard look at that.

I think I need to take my dating life more seriously than I used to. It was always a, eh, just there kind of thing but I'm turning 29 tomorrow and I think it needs to be something I prioritize a little more. 

Another thing is that I should really start being very intentional with my time. I really like climbing, yet I have yet to be good at it. Because girl, you don't take the time to intentionally go climbing. I want to take my health and wellness seriously cause I wanna look max LOL. But for reals, I think if I'm not gonna be fit and healthy now, I won't ever be. And the one sad thing is that maybe my health and wellness is the one thing I can still sort of control in my life that would give me endless positive dividends. 

It is focus week this week and I guess I don't really have too much to do. I'm hoping to get the SQL backfill script done by today and then have the rest of the week to do dilly dally things. Planning on finally finishing up the kitchen. I say that every week but I think I'll be able to finish the left cabinets by today and start working on the right tomorrow.

I have Ember this weekend too so it'll be mostly me being at home most of this week. Which would either drive me crazy or make me super productive. 

I also really need to sit down and do the accounting on this apartment. I also really need to move houses. I can't get comfortable now. 

 I think Jen might be on to something again. 

We talked about life. About my frustrations with my life. I am afraid of admitting a lot about myself. I am afraid of failing, afraid of rejection, afraid of putting myself out there. I am nervous about everything and anything. 

I really think I'm overly hard on myself. I can't imagine how much harder Jaime is on himself. 

 I think Jen might have a point where I am too hard on myself.

My heart is hurting today. I think I will always be a little broken for a while after Jaime. I don't know what is bugging me though. The idea of him being with somebody else doesn't phase me. I don't really want to get back together with him. I actually think the idea of losing somebody like him in my life is the part that hurts. Like. He was such a big part of my life. It's hard to let go on friendships and companionship and somebody that knew me well. It's hard to let go of a friend. I think I have let go of the fact that he's a lover for a while. But I think losing the friend is hard.

I finished the hallway. And I feel really good about it hehe. 

I finished my connect. The last post on here was about how I have not finished my connect but here I am and I good good reviews on it.

I'm going to do something ballsy today and update my resume and finish the work for the SARIF validation. 

Spent the morning reading and listening to the feud between Kendrick Lamar and Drake. Kendrick Lamar is a genius. I listened to euphoria initially and I didn't get the references and I thought it was cool and I assumed that Drake's push ups was going to be something on par and I listened to it and was...amused? 

On Zhong's advice, will finish watching the video essay that he sent over. 

Also debating whether I should take more time to make a bunch of websites. I am watching this dude MarcLou and I'm gaining some kind of inspiration. 

 What do I talk about in therapy 4/24/2024. What a bad date. 

I think I need to work on my anxious-attachment style. Need to work on feeling loved by people. Work on not feeling lonely. Need help with this break up and help looking to the future. 

I think when I was in a relationship, I felt lonely a lot. I don't know if it was my expectations that were high in a relationship.

I think I have PTSD from various situations that happened while I was in that relationship. There are certain music and certain situations that literally shoot fear down my spine. Being accused of cheating when I am not. Sometimes I'm even scared to write down my thoughts, or text somebody anything for fear that he will read it. I am scared to hang out with certain people for fear he would get upset. I am scared of telling my friends things that I think. Fuck me. 

I need to find the motivation to get out of my current situation. My emotions have been all over the place. But now I need to learn to calm myself down and start working on my career. Struggle with concentrating on single tasks. 

Dealing with rejection. 

There is a slight disconnect between sessions at therapy. 

 

 ~ After therapy ~

I think we talked about one of the goals being identifying secure relationships and people that I can confide in and people that I can have as part of my village. Learning to be more vulnerable. I do jump into problem solving mode too much and too soon, maybe I feel terrible cause I just never learn to deal with my emotions. 

 One thing I kind of took away was that with Jaime, I most likely didn't feel secure enough to be vulnerable as he tends to run away and or erupt into a fight. And I felt like I was telling him and baring my soul just for him to dismiss that entirely. I think he triggered me to be way more anxious than I actually was as a person. 

Talked about why we broke up and how much I still love him and that it sucks so much to know that I can love a person but know that we won't work. 

My heart beats for you.

My heart mourns the day.

Where we sit on the porch, staring out into the water. 

My hand holding yours. 

Secure in the knowledge that we lived a good, fulfilling life. 

My heart mourns the jokes that you make. The little smile when you send me something funny and wait for me to notice. When you say something subtle, and waiting for somebody to get it, the little eye glint. The eye contact you make with me. The skip in the beat of my heart when I see your name light up on my phone. 

When you call me nugget. 

The smile that lights up your face.

Families and holidays and good food. I mourn for the idea of traditions and a well-choreographed routine. Eye contact across a dinner table, eye contact across a crowd. The hard blink smizing. 

The warm hand around mine. The warm hand around my waist, on my thigh as I lie next to you. Your touch calming me down. Making me secure. Assuring me that my thoughts are just that, my thoughts. My hand on your chest. Watching the hairs on your chest move as you breathe. Tracing the curve of your nose. Knowing that you are mine. 

I'm happy that we're moving on. Happy to have all these moments with you. I will forever treasure them as long as I remember them. I adore you. 

On growing old.

 I think after some time, I naturally come back here to dump my thoughts. 

I am closer to 30 than I ever have been. Then again, is there ever a day where I am less close to 30? maybe in my 40s? Where it's more aligned with how time flows? 

I think I'm at the point in life where I am starting to realize that time has seemingly been a waste for me. I have had spent a lot of time being unfocused, having multiple parallel things running. Maybe it's because I don't show my work. Maybe it's because I don't seem to like anything pass a certain stage, where I feel like I have mastered it, or that I'm good enough, or if I have hit a wall and in turn, cease to want to chase that dopamine.

I look across my apartment and see the graveyard of hobbies. Running shoes to indicate a period of time where I wanted to run a marathon. Plants everywhere during the time that I wanted to be a professional plant propagator, and then coming to Seattle and finding out that people are crazy about their hobbies here. All the books that I have bought on a whim. 

At the end of the day, I would rather have tried something and not succeed than to not even try it at all. 

Another sad thing is that trying things takes up time and money. Resources that are scarce and likely will not go hand in hand. 

 I am writing writing writing. 

It's really early on Tuesday morning and I'm hanging out with this pup that's scared of nearly everything. 

It feels like there's never ending amount of crap that is in my apartment. 

I keep throwing away things, yet there's still a never ending pile of crap that ends up in my apartment. It's an uphill battle. 

I am so tired. I think I should try and at least stay awake for all of the work day and until the pups leave. 

I know I should be decluttering but I'm not sure how and it feels like every time I make headway on clearing things out, more stuff come out of nowhere for me to clear out. I try to eat all the food that I'm buying, yet every time I do my groceries there's always leftovers and it has become endless. 

I want to try and adopt a buy it for life mindset where everything that I buy will follow me forever but there's still so much existing crap. I think the big decider is whether I would want to move with something.

I don't even know. 

On the flip side, there are so many things I want to do. I want to learn a hundred and one things but there doesn't ever seem to be enough time and motivation. 

I think the biggest thing right now is that I want more money. Can't afford the lifestyle that I want right now and the lifestyle that I have is too much. Need to cut down all around and be more comfortable. 

I don't even know what I'm saying. Felt like I've been on the phone for an eternity but apparently it's only been 10 minutes. 

And I feel so uncomfortable for whatever reason. 

I think I need to workout more.