On growing old.

 I think after some time, I naturally come back here to dump my thoughts. 

I am closer to 30 than I ever have been. Then again, is there ever a day where I am less close to 30? maybe in my 40s? Where it's more aligned with how time flows? 

I think I'm at the point in life where I am starting to realize that time has seemingly been a waste for me. I have had spent a lot of time being unfocused, having multiple parallel things running. Maybe it's because I don't show my work. Maybe it's because I don't seem to like anything pass a certain stage, where I feel like I have mastered it, or that I'm good enough, or if I have hit a wall and in turn, cease to want to chase that dopamine.

I look across my apartment and see the graveyard of hobbies. Running shoes to indicate a period of time where I wanted to run a marathon. Plants everywhere during the time that I wanted to be a professional plant propagator, and then coming to Seattle and finding out that people are crazy about their hobbies here. All the books that I have bought on a whim. 

At the end of the day, I would rather have tried something and not succeed than to not even try it at all. 

Another sad thing is that trying things takes up time and money. Resources that are scarce and likely will not go hand in hand. 

 I am writing writing writing. 

It's really early on Tuesday morning and I'm hanging out with this pup that's scared of nearly everything. 

It feels like there's never ending amount of crap that is in my apartment. 

I keep throwing away things, yet there's still a never ending pile of crap that ends up in my apartment. It's an uphill battle. 

I am so tired. I think I should try and at least stay awake for all of the work day and until the pups leave. 

I know I should be decluttering but I'm not sure how and it feels like every time I make headway on clearing things out, more stuff come out of nowhere for me to clear out. I try to eat all the food that I'm buying, yet every time I do my groceries there's always leftovers and it has become endless. 

I want to try and adopt a buy it for life mindset where everything that I buy will follow me forever but there's still so much existing crap. I think the big decider is whether I would want to move with something.

I don't even know. 

On the flip side, there are so many things I want to do. I want to learn a hundred and one things but there doesn't ever seem to be enough time and motivation. 

I think the biggest thing right now is that I want more money. Can't afford the lifestyle that I want right now and the lifestyle that I have is too much. Need to cut down all around and be more comfortable. 

I don't even know what I'm saying. Felt like I've been on the phone for an eternity but apparently it's only been 10 minutes. 

And I feel so uncomfortable for whatever reason. 

I think I need to workout more.

 Dear,

I don't know how to write this. 

I feel lonely. If you want to talk about how out of everybody you've dated, I'm the most unhappy one? 

Out of everybody I've dated, I've felt the most sad and unhappy in this one. 

Do you know when I talk about how I don't even think you'll dance with me if we get married? I feel like that for nearly everything in our lives. 

I don't think you would go on one of those lovely hiking trips that I go with my friends. I'm nervous to have people I like meet with you, cause in the past 2 years, nearly every time I get excited about people or something, it seems like you'll end up hating them. Like, everything I'm excited about becomes a negative experience. And at best, just neutral. Nowadays, everything is just neutral.

I don't think I'll dance with you. 

I don't think I'll ever work with you. 

I don't think I'll buy a house and work on it together with you. Build a home together. 

I can't even get you to get a new towel for me when I shower.

It's not that I don't think you would. I think you would for some reason hate everything about it. If we get married, on our wedding day, all I'll think about is how you hate dancing.

If I do go on a hiking trip with you, all I'll think about is how much you hate hiking. How your knees hurt. How my friends treat you and how you feel. 

I was so excited to go to a craft fair, and nearly the entire time, all I felt was how much you hate it there. I wanted to get gifts for friends, and gifts for your mom and just happy Christmas things and all I was thinking of was how this will be the rest of my life with you, me just feeling lonely. I was surrounded by things that would make me happy and I wanted to share them with you and share just love for people with you and all I felt was just that I was alone in it. 

It feels like I can never do anything that will make me happy with you. I want to share my life with you and it just feels like you hate everything about it. I want to interview at companies with you, I want to bitch about work with you, I want to paint the house with you, I want to make dinner with you, I want to go Christmas shopping with you and workout with you, I want to do all these normal human things with you and it just feels like I'm alone in all of it. 

I look at other couples, and I feel so envious. Hearing stories from other couples lives. People going away on cabin trips, people just literally going to dinner, making dinner together. Liz and Steven demolishing a wall together. Clarisse and Danny buying gifts for friends together. Honestly, just Danny doing everything for Clarisse. Nandhini and Matt going on just fucking fun parties and vacations. Just even Ben loving and caring for Teddy and Hoi Hoi because Vy loves Teddy and Hoi Hoi. I can't even get you to get excited about my pups and the things I love. I had pups for a few days and you did all you could to just be far away from me. 

And that's okay to a certain extent. But you won't care for me the way I want to be cared about. I like my quality time and my acts of service. It's probably this too. All that just makes me feel like I'm uncared for. That you're selfish and we only ever do things you want to do. That there's no space in your life for me, even for a couple hours of make pretend where you pretend to give a shit. 

I got so excited when you got excited about my plants. And it feels like for the rest of my life with you, I just won't ever get excited about things anymore. 

Feelings #4

 I don't think you have been a good boyfriend to me. 

I have historically felt insecure in our relationship. I've always felt you had one leg out of the door and I felt as though I have not been able to talk about things that upset me. 

Lots of things also upset you and I spend a lot of my time tiptoeing around that. And instead of talking to me, trying to understand me, trying to work towards a problem together, it always becomes this tug of war of trying to change each other's minds.  And I feel as though I have changed a lot for you. We are fundamentally different and I've felt like I always tried to meet you halfway. And I don't think you have attempted to even do that for me. It's always been that you're right, and I'm wrong and you drop things but you still hold a lot against me and I can't do anything to change your mind or resolve your issues, help you heal.

I have needs and expectations to make me feel good. And I have expressed them to you and you've expressed that you don't want to do those. Fine. I came to not expect them of you and now I feel unloved and uncared for. I know you do a lot for the relationship but at the end of the day, I don't need a lot of that. And at the end of the day, I don't think it's been enough. 

It feels like you keep a tally of the things you've done and you've held it against me continuously. You've asked me multiple times, what do I (YX) have done for the relationship and you make statements that you single handedly mended the relationship.

I know I haven't been perfect too but I think I've tried and I gave it a good shot. 

What keeps me in the relationship for that long is the fact that I see glimpses of perfectness. Of a life ahead of us. Of you and me working well. But you've mentioned again, that it's a lot of effort on your part. I can't live the rest of my life like that. I guess this is the end.

Feelings #3

 What do I want out of the relationship, what I do want out you, what I want out of me, what I think you want out of me. 

Frankly, just a friend that I would fuck. I want somebody that talks to me about problems and shares his life with me

 

Do you still want to work on this? I get the vibe that you don't want to anymore but you are also receptive to talking to me and I know you love me but based on the last month or so, I feel as though nothing will change on your end, it feels as though you don't want to work on this anymore and if that's the case, I think we can call it quits.

 

I also feel as though it's hard to bring this up because I feel as though he's sensitive about it. 

I need you to be able to listen to me. To not get that frustrated and annoyed. I know you are running out of steam and let's work on helping you with that, but I need that from you. To listen to me and reassure me and not lose your patience. 

I need you to be less annoyed at stuff. It sucks that I feel so anxious hanging out with people. I'm so guarded of my words, so guarded of being vulnerable to people. I want you to be there and at the same time I don't, I don't know what to do anymore, and I want to talk to you about things and you are unable to talk about things? 

accommodating differences. I don't ever think you are accommodating my differences.

Maybe we need to be WAY less sensitive of each other's differences.

How are you feeling is your best?

 

Why do I feel that much better that he replied that he's willing to talk? 

Why do I feel like I don't want to be with him anymore because of that? What the fuck is wrong with me? 

We have insecurities. We need to be better about talking about it. I am telling you that these are the things that I am hoping that you do, and I think you want to make me feel better. I don't feel like you're pulling your weight in communicating with me. You run out of bandwidth a lot and you get butthurt when I call you out on things. The frustration on my side is that I don't think you're pulling your weight. I am opening your door and trying to understand you better, understand your feelings and my feelings and you are telling me that you are running out of bandwidth all the time. I can't stay for "I don't know" anymore. I feel like I'm waiting for you to figure out your own shit and I can't wait around for that anymore. In the process of waiting for you to figure it out, that I get hurt? I know its unintentional but how is it fair that I get hurt in the process. I need you to say "I don't know but I want you to be willing for me to stay and figure it out and help you with it" but it feels as though you are pushing me away constantly.

Feelings #2

 I think he would be cruel. 

Had a dream he was flirting with/already with someone else. He was lying with his head in her lap. 

Oh god what have I done. 

Every minute is torturous without him. I want to hug him, the anxiety is so much. I can't accept it's over. 

But I can't reach out cause it would hurt me. I think he's disconnected and doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't reach out. I think he would be cruel to me. I think he would look at me with his mad face, his annoyed face.

I really want to save this relationship. I really do. I just don't know how to anymore. I am at my wits end. I am jaded. I am tired. I just want to be happy. I want you to be happy. To just be around you and be excited about our future. To work towards goals together. To just make jokes and cuddle and work together. Maybe I'm deluded and that's not really something we can do. Maybe it's me and maybe it's you. I can't figure it out anymore. It's always me against you when all I want it to be is us against the world. 

I am anxious. I feel it in my bones, the anxiousness I have. I can't self soothe.

Reasons to not be together. 

1. I don't think my needs are being met. I don't feel supported and I don't feel happy. 

I'm not ready to have a serious break up talk with him. I really am not. I want to talk to him to see if we can get back together. But I don't think that will pan out the way that I think it will, and it will instead end up in me feeling worst and then we actually actually break up. 

Feelings #1

I feel....

Relieved. 

Free. 

Sad.

Grief. 

Hopeful yet hopeless at the same time. 

Things fluctuate constantly. I feel lonely. 

I don't think it has set in yet. Right now I feel as though I have my time back. The annoyances that I kept feeling when he was there is gone. The frustrations I've been experiencing disappeared. 

I can't stop thinking about how time passes so slowly. 

I think about that hug in the car. How I walked off so confident that it's not the end. How he stayed in the parking lot for several minutes before leaving. I don't know what he is thinking. Is he feeling the same as I do? Does he wish that I would contact him like I am wishing that he would me? 

It doesn't seem real yet it does. I can imagine him living an entire life without me and mine without him. Yet I am also imagining a life together. I'm at the same time hoping that if I said, I don't know if it was the right decision, that maybe if we tried harder, talked more, that things would change. 

It felt so rushed. I feel so fucking terrible that it was so rushed. I wished I watched more episodes of breaking bad with you. I wished that I stayed longer. In your apartment, in your car. I wished I looked at your face a little longer, that I cuddled with you a little longer, that I feel your skin against mine just a little longer. 

I feel numb. I think the things I say have consequences and while I wished I didn't break up with you, I think I have to face the music here. If I could go back in time, I would sit with you and talked to you more. I wish and wish that you don't feel the hopelessness, that you don't move on, that I have a chance to talk to you once more. That my words and actions don't have consequences. 

I can see a life with you. This is the painful part. A life with you with children. A life with you where I come home each day to see you happy with the kids. To see you teach, to see you play, to see you tell awful dad jokes. To build a life together. A life that we are both fulfilled, happy. 

I also see a life where we are miserable. That we fail to communicate and keep our emotions in check. To work against each other rather than with each other. I think this is the life we currently live. I don't see a way out of this life. I have lost so much hope that we can get to where we want to be. I feel so anxious all the time and lonely all the time when I'm with you. My needs aren't met and I feel like all I do is try to tend to your emotions. It's walking on eggshells constantly. There's no joy here. I'm not happy. You aren't happy. You feel tired and distant of/from me. I think we both need to be apart from each other. I'm so sorry my love. I'm so sorry my heart. I wish I had the energy to try. To be there for you.