Day 2

I hate you more today.

Again, I see you in everything around me.

I keep imagining some girl, hotter than me, the same race as me, big tits and all bouncing on your cock.

I keep imagining some girl going down on you and you doing the thing you do when it gets good.

I have more scenarios in my head where you do increasingly unspeakable things. 

I hate you.

You've hurt me so much throughout the time we dated. There's so much resentment that I have towards you. I wished we never met. 

I almost feel as though I should go out and hurt you the way you've hurt me to make me feel better, to make me feel in control again. 

I hate you.

Day 1

Everything around me reminds me of you.

I miss your texts throughout the day.

I miss your generosity, I miss your hugs, I miss your smell, I miss you loving me.

I miss your wholehearted support of all the stupid and whimsical things I decide to do.

I miss living together, I miss coming home to you. I miss you coming home to me. I miss sitting on the couch and watching tv at the end of the day, or just a Sunday afternoon.

I miss dressing up and going out with you. I miss winter nights where we walk in the snow. I miss going to the dog park on weekends and farmer’s markets in the spring.

I miss making dinner with you. I miss you complimenting my cooking even though it sucks.

I miss going to Home Depot together to pick up things for all our random projects. I miss going to the grocery store with you.

I miss you taking care of me when I’m down. That takes a lot out of you and out of me.

I’m sorry for everything that happened. I really need this and I really appreciate all you’ve done for me. I’m glad you’re letting go. I love you and I miss you.

Journaling

Guess my resolution to write more hasn't panned out eh?

I'm worried that one day I'll wake up and look back at my life and regret it. I'll regret not being happy every single day. I'll regret that I've filled my life with seeking fulfillment and missing out on life itself. I worry that I haven't touched enough lives of people. I worry that the emptiness inside me will never be filled. I worry that I'll always only ever envy the lives of other people and never seeing the beautiness of my own. 

I worry that every second I spend not being on the path to making myself happy, that it would make or break my future.

I've spent this weekend alone and I do nothing but think. Thinking is so fucking detrimental to me. Every second that I spend thinking, I just increase my anxiety. I should really get around to hiring a therapist.