Justin,

It's Sunday today, and I've always love Sundays with you. I was thinking about the plants in our little garden bed. I was wondering how they were doing. Are they big and blooming? Are the vegetables ready to eat? Do we have onions and potatoes under the soil? I was thinking about us going to the dog park in the morning with Dany. I like Sundays with you, they were always a mixture of productivity and lazing around. I hated spending the summer apart from you. But what to do, life tore us apart.

 I was thinking about you moving next week. You'll be moving out of the little house we've called our home. I'm thinking of those little plants. They'll be cut down by the next tenant. Oh that breaks my heart.

I miss us so much.

Justin,

I miss you so much. In good and bad ways. I miss telling you about my day and complaining about various scenarios while you listen and nod your head. I don't have anybody to talk about my day no more. Nobody cares.

I miss sitting on the couch with you in our beautiful apartment. The one we made into our home. Our idiotic fish, our insanely intelligent and cowardly dog, the statement wall, the kitchen with all the plants, and of course our absent roommate. I miss cuddling in bed, feeling warm and wanted and loved.

I was thinking about the one time you had jury duty, and you picked me up at Holos to have lunch with you at Willy Street. It's weird that whenever I spend time with you, I get into this floaty state, where reality isn't real anymore.

I also think of you. I saw a picture of Jeanette today since it's Allison's birthday, and all I could think of was you wanting to date her. She looked hot. I felt a pang of hate towards you again. I was thinking where else in the world that we could move so I won't see any of your weird exes, and guess what, it was nowhere in the world. Perhaps New Zealand.

I know we had something good. But I need to work on myself and you do too. I hate the fact that I have stuff at your place, that our lives were once that intertwined. And I also miss that too.

I secretly hope that one day we'll end up together, that we both meet again at the right place and the right time. I'm sorry for every negative emotion that I have evoked in you. Good night.

Thought I would write a bit. I haven't been in the best place.

I broke it off with Justin. He refuses to let go, which makes things so much more complicated since he's always an option for me. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt anybody other than myself. I can't deal with that.

Went to a therapist today. She suggested that I try medication. I don't know if I should. On the one hand, it's less work for me. It's a magic pill that'll make me a happier person, a functional member of society, on the other, who am I without it? What is my identity without it?

I talked about killing myself. I don't think I've ever talked about it. But Justin, it has to do with you.

Do you know I still put you down as my emergency contact? It's as though I can't believe you're out of my life. I KNOW I need you out of my life. I depend on you and I should not. You're not responsible for my life. And I hate the fact that I don't think I can live without you. You're so toxic to me.

Do you know how nice the piece of glass feels against my skin? For the longest time, it was the only thing I was in control of. I hate you, you've put me in that situation. And after countless times of talking to you, I still feel dead inside. I hate you. I love you. The pain felt good, it indicated that I was alive. And I haven't felt that way for a long time. In fact, after this, I'm going to run a blade across my skin just to feel something.