I should be writing down more of my life. 

Sometimes I feel like I just live day to day without any lasting effects in this world. Yet I'm not sure how to change that. How to have meaningful days. I feel like I want to make big changes yet I'm unable to.

Maybe I'm impatient and trying to jump to the end and I shouldn't be doing that. Maybe it takes day to day effort to be able to make a big change. 

Maybe I'm not marketing myself enough and I'm not being proactive enough or maybe I don't have the grit to do a lot of things.

I should check with my mortgage company to see if they are covering taxes or if that's something I have to worry about.

I don't think I prioritize the right stuff most times. 

Music heals me

 I can't describe the patterns that pop up in my head

The lilting sounds that bounce from a note to another, however arbitrary a note can be

Or sounds that exist in a jagged pattern, lacking the curves that make it beautiful

Sounds from a world of things that makes sounds

Little vibrations that change the world

Little vibrations that my bran perceives to be good for me

Pulling me out of these jagged depths

Making me whole again

 There are so many things in this world. As many as stars in the sky. 

There are billions of people in this world. Billions of topics, billions of songs, billions of books. Billions of restaurants and dishes. 

We are so miniscule and insignificant in comparison. 

Yet our lives are all consuming and we curl in our own corner of familiarity. 

Changes are scary and sudden.

You would think in a world of connectivity that loneliness would cease to exist. 

Yet it sinks us into the depths of pain. Waking up alone. Sleeping alone. Doing nothing alone. 

Having a presence around makes it better and worse at the same time. Making it unable for one to sink into work, into my own thoughts without having another person influencing it, causing eddies in the beautiful flow I've formulated for myself.

Support comes so scarce these days. Or is it because I chose to grow. 

Maybe growth and learning comes with being comfortable in a place of uncomfortablility. And I should learn to be comfortable with myself. 

It's sad. It's isolating. It's giving up the most important things in the world. Ultimately, I don't think I'll ever see the world as it is. 

I need to information to know whether or not I should invest time into certain things and relationships. Where's the balance between having enough information to decide to give up, or sticking around to see the beautiful things that would've happened. 

I'm not wise enough. 

I'm impatient. Unable to get to the end fast enough, yet dreading the end at the same time.

What a paradox.