I don't know if I want more from you.

But if you're not going to invest any emotions, I'm hesitant to invest any of mine. And I've been already holding them back. But it really feels like we're just going through the motions then. I did think about it more and I feel nothing a lot of the times but I'm also doing this thing where I'm amplifying your flaws in my head. It's really not healthy and I hate it.

I don't know what a good way to deal with it would be like. 

And I already feel like we're just going through the motions of being together, but it just feels like play pretend. 

And if it's so okay with you that I'm going to leave. Then, I don't know why I'm wasting my time at all? 

I want to be wanted. 

And while there's no expectations, and I don't want there to be any, it kind of seems pointless to me to invest in this at all. 

At the end of the day. I don't want to lose you. 

Maybe I wouldn't feel this way at all if we didn't go through the original time we had together. Cause now I want parts of that but not all of it. 

Maybe I'm just not the right person for you right. 

I don't think I can be very sane around you if I'm anxious and insecure. Like, I don't even like hearing your sex stories anymore. And it used to be fun. I just feel crazy and I hate feeling that. 

I think we need to set some expectations about this.

I don't think my needs are being met. I don't feel secure. I'm anxious a lot. And I keep thinking about leaving. Like all the time. I know I don't want to. And I know my emotions are being stupid because it always reverts back to shitty trauma, and my brain needs to be the one to rationalize stuff. 

I feel a lot of bodily functions first. Pressure on my heart, sweat, nausea, lump in my throat, etc. Sudden tiredness, insomnia, loss of motivation, general irritability, etc.

That leads me to know I have emotions, cause in general I'm fucking out of tune with them. My rational mind and my emotions/trauma brain run on different frequencies and I typically have a lot of problems trying to sync them up together. And ITS SO TOUGH figuring out emotions, because my trauma brain reacts to those emotions without knowing what they are. And my trauma brain is a bitch, cause she's flaky, she's reactive, she screams, she runs away and gives up, she's just all around crazy and I try my best to keep her in check and I know she means well cause all she's doing is trying to protect me.

And once I fucking figure out what my emotions/trauma brain is trying to do, and I finally root cause this bitch, that's when I try to take action. 

I'm currently at the point where I might or might not know what my trauma brain is trying to do. I'm feeling all sorts of insecurity, all kinds of anxiety, and the HUGE urge to run away from you, strong feelings about how we're very incompatible and that we are WAY too different and that I'm unable to grow with you.

So let's deal with things one at a time. Cause maybe we have different expectations of things. 

I expect you to support me. Be my fucking biggest advocate.

I expect you to communicate. Tell me about your day, tell me the highlights, tell me the low lights, tell me your plans and your future, and things you look forward to, funny interactions. Let me know about your life, let me be happy for you, let me care for you, let me be your fucking cheerleader, let me share your stress, your burdens, your interests. Tell me things that you want, and if you're not ready, tell me you're not ready. I don't want to fill in the blanks of what happens when there's a gap in communication because my idiot brain doesn't have that information. And I'll try my fucking best to do the same for you.

I expect you to always prioritize yourself. To take care of yourself first. To eat well, to exercise, to go out with your friends, to tell me when you're annoyed, tired etc. But also communicate to me about it. Tell me you're tired, tell me you need to do something because of something. 

I expect us to have fun. To kid, joke, talk shit, gossip, fuck, and play. To make the dumb and mundane and terrible things in life just a little better because having another person makes it fun.

I expect you to hold me accountable. To make sure I do the things I want to do. To build towards goals.

I expect you to be patient with me. Cause I'm also working to be a better person. 

I expect you to always want to be better. To listen with an open mind. 

I want a partner. And I don't know if you see me as such at all.