I wish I had the liberty to choose whatever that I want to learn rather than having to stick to a certain curriculum or syllabus. Yet, such is the state of the economy where everybody is capitalistic and selfish. Hence, why I'm somewhat being forced to go through educational programs that suck the money and soul out of a me. Sigh what a pity.

Hi

I just feel annoyingly jealous of people that have it more together than me. I admire them, wish I could be them, hope to befriend them, yet it makes me disappointed to no end that I can never be like them.

They had a head start in life. One that I will never have. They had the privilege of growing up here in the United States, where they are able to go to schools with programs that are so advanced that I've never heard of in my life, learn stuff that I never had the opportunity to learn growing up, have the support of their families. They also pay a small fraction of the fees that I am paying to attend college.

I know. Many people have it much more worse than I do. Yet, I'm supposed to compete with these superior people in the job market? Where everything is stacked against me. I talked to them, learnt their stories, they started out small, and from there they slowly build their resume and skills till they are where they are now. But how am I suppose to compete when the law doesn't allow me to start out small, doesn't allow me to be employed by small companies? How am I suppose to learn?

I am also facing the huge dilemma that I don't know what I am suppose to do with my life. I'm unsure as to what path I should go, what career should I built. Why should I spend endless hours of my life trying and failing to build something that I am not even sure I should be doing?

Thus, this is my sad sad life. I will come to accept this fate of mine where my odds are forever stacked against me, and I don't have the willpower nor the ability to work my way out of these odds.

Mama always say to surround yourself with people that are much smarter than you, she didn't know that that would make you feel so so small. Much easier to fill the room with people that are worse off and feel much better about yourself.

So funny that most artists live their entire lives dreaming to influence the world yet die believing that they have failed. Yet after their death, they rise to become prominent. They will never see it, never lived the life that they have been born to live. They die bitter and unfulfilled.

Just sad ain't it.

Back home

I now understand why people document their life more than their thoughts. That's because thought are not perfect. They reveal too much of who you are. It makes you vulnerable to let somebody else know them. But your life? That's different. Documenting your life makes you seem adventurous, it makes you seem worldly, it boosts your self esteem.

I don't know. Is life or your thoughts more important? Well, life create thoughts. They walk hand in hand.

On another note, I got new glasses. Apparently I'm going blind. Yep.

Reviews

So I tried out the Botanical Mask Pack, here's a review. Doing reviews now so I can be a smart consumer in the future.

Pretty cool packaging. Instructions were all in Korean so that sucks. Kinda guessed what I'm supposed to do based on the pictures and the few roman numerals that were on there. The mask is skin coloured and seems to be made out of some biodegradable material. It also has a mesh backing on it you have to remove before using.

I believe the packaging says to leave it on for 10 to 20 minutes but I left it on for 30. Might be my sensitive skin, but when I put it on it kinda burned my skin. Then again, A LOT of skincare products burn my skin, so nothing new there. Oh the mask I tried on was the Aloe Vera mask pack, which was actually marketed to people with sensitive skin? But oh well.

Pretty good mask overall. Skin was smooth af after that. Kinda helped a lot with my hyper-pigmentation / acne scars. My skin looks much better now since I actually have a routine, as compared to last week.

Tried the Manyo Factory Active Refresh Herb Peeling Gel. Worst thing about it was that the PUMP DOESN'T WORK. Other than that it was pretty good. Refreshing, plus it didn't sting my skin which was the BEST. Left my skin baby smooth! Was a tad bit drying though.

Oh and the Botanical Real Aloe Leaf Gel Toner, and it didn't sting my skin either! Wasn't especially great tbh but this is the first time that I found a toner that doesn't cause me pain.

*Note to self: ALWAYS BUY SENSITIVE SKIN PRODUCTS PLEASE. SHIT HURTS. DON'T THINK SOMETHING'S CHEAP AND BUY IT AND JUST STING YOUR SKIN ALL THE TIME. YES IT'S EXPENSIVE BUT IT'S BETTER FOR YOU IN THE LONG RUN.

Haven't written in a while.

Been so busy recently. Just finished a midterm 30 minutes ago. I really haven't had time to myself and I just felt like writing a bit so here I am.

It's a Friday evening right now. I did have plans but currently I just feel like taking some time to treat myself. Stay in. Read a book. Do some household chores. Take a good and long bath. Hm. Actually sounds really good. I could cook up a pot of soup. Maybe buy some wine? Hm nah. Needing to walk outside to buy wine ain't worth it. It's too cold outside.

Been really into skin care these days. Since cancelling Netflix, I had to turn to YouTube for entertainment during meal times, and I have been absorbed into the world of beauty vloggers. Even spent a huge amount of money buying skin care products. Found out that my skin actually loves skin care products. I do still have a ton of acne scars but damn my face is smooth. By acne scars I mean not physical bumps, just hyper-pigmentation. Kinda been neglecting my skin for the longest time really. Cause, I naturally have pretty smooth and okay skin, since my skin is mostly dry and sensitive, it only breaks out when I get no sleep or eat a ton of junk food. Plus, I'm pretty okay with acne, I don't wear makeup usually.

Anyways, HAUL TIME. So I bought the Mizon Snail Repair Intensive Ampoule,  Etude House Moistfull Collagen Sleeping Pack, a couple of Botanical Aloe Vera sheet masks, well, I mostly bought it cause it came with a free gift. Also, Sun Project Water Sun Cream SPF 50, Active Refresh Herb Peeling Gel and lastly, Botanical Real Aloe Leaf Gel Toner. Oh I also got Neutrogena's Pore Refining Toner with AHA and BHA but that shit burn my skin tho, I think it might just be that my skin is uber sensitive. That's why I bought another toner just cause.

Will probably update at the end of the semester to see if all that skin care works. Though, I feel like I'll be likely to just give up cause skin care IS a lot of work. Trying to make it a routine so that I'll stick with it. I WANNA LOOK LIKE IM 30 WHEN IM 70. Well mostly I don't wanna have acne anymore. I do have pretty good skin, I just neglect it a ton.

My previous routine was just wash. That's it. Wash. And slap on some moisturizer if it starts itching or peeling cause it's too dry. Used the 7 dollar Up and Up moisturizer. I'm not joking. I still have the Up and Up moisturizer. Half of it left. Currently I use it after I tone. Also, with a long ass skin care routine, I honestly feel luxurious AS FUCK.

Okay. Ciaos. Was thinking of setting up a domain for my coursework and stuff. Noticed that I do make a ton of notes, and that they take up a lot of space. Was thinking of digitizing it and putting it on a website or something, so that in the future if I ever do need to refer to my notes, it'll be easy to look for too. Digitizing a 4 year degree takes fucking forever tho. Might do it over summer as a side project hm.