Dear,

I don't know how to write this. 

I feel lonely. If you want to talk about how out of everybody you've dated, I'm the most unhappy one? 

Out of everybody I've dated, I've felt the most sad and unhappy in this one. 

Do you know when I talk about how I don't even think you'll dance with me if we get married? I feel like that for nearly everything in our lives. 

I don't think you would go on one of those lovely hiking trips that I go with my friends. I'm nervous to have people I like meet with you, cause in the past 2 years, nearly every time I get excited about people or something, it seems like you'll end up hating them. Like, everything I'm excited about becomes a negative experience. And at best, just neutral. Nowadays, everything is just neutral.

I don't think I'll dance with you. 

I don't think I'll ever work with you. 

I don't think I'll buy a house and work on it together with you. Build a home together. 

I can't even get you to get a new towel for me when I shower.

It's not that I don't think you would. I think you would for some reason hate everything about it. If we get married, on our wedding day, all I'll think about is how you hate dancing.

If I do go on a hiking trip with you, all I'll think about is how much you hate hiking. How your knees hurt. How my friends treat you and how you feel. 

I was so excited to go to a craft fair, and nearly the entire time, all I felt was how much you hate it there. I wanted to get gifts for friends, and gifts for your mom and just happy Christmas things and all I was thinking of was how this will be the rest of my life with you, me just feeling lonely. I was surrounded by things that would make me happy and I wanted to share them with you and share just love for people with you and all I felt was just that I was alone in it. 

It feels like I can never do anything that will make me happy with you. I want to share my life with you and it just feels like you hate everything about it. I want to interview at companies with you, I want to bitch about work with you, I want to paint the house with you, I want to make dinner with you, I want to go Christmas shopping with you and workout with you, I want to do all these normal human things with you and it just feels like I'm alone in all of it. 

I look at other couples, and I feel so envious. Hearing stories from other couples lives. People going away on cabin trips, people just literally going to dinner, making dinner together. Liz and Steven demolishing a wall together. Clarisse and Danny buying gifts for friends together. Honestly, just Danny doing everything for Clarisse. Nandhini and Matt going on just fucking fun parties and vacations. Just even Ben loving and caring for Teddy and Hoi Hoi because Vy loves Teddy and Hoi Hoi. I can't even get you to get excited about my pups and the things I love. I had pups for a few days and you did all you could to just be far away from me. 

And that's okay to a certain extent. But you won't care for me the way I want to be cared about. I like my quality time and my acts of service. It's probably this too. All that just makes me feel like I'm uncared for. That you're selfish and we only ever do things you want to do. That there's no space in your life for me, even for a couple hours of make pretend where you pretend to give a shit. 

I got so excited when you got excited about my plants. And it feels like for the rest of my life with you, I just won't ever get excited about things anymore.