What do I talk about in therapy 4/24/2024. What a bad date. 

I think I need to work on my anxious-attachment style. Need to work on feeling loved by people. Work on not feeling lonely. Need help with this break up and help looking to the future. 

I think when I was in a relationship, I felt lonely a lot. I don't know if it was my expectations that were high in a relationship.

I think I have PTSD from various situations that happened while I was in that relationship. There are certain music and certain situations that literally shoot fear down my spine. Being accused of cheating when I am not. Sometimes I'm even scared to write down my thoughts, or text somebody anything for fear that he will read it. I am scared to hang out with certain people for fear he would get upset. I am scared of telling my friends things that I think. Fuck me. 

I need to find the motivation to get out of my current situation. My emotions have been all over the place. But now I need to learn to calm myself down and start working on my career. Struggle with concentrating on single tasks. 

Dealing with rejection. 

There is a slight disconnect between sessions at therapy. 

 

 ~ After therapy ~

I think we talked about one of the goals being identifying secure relationships and people that I can confide in and people that I can have as part of my village. Learning to be more vulnerable. I do jump into problem solving mode too much and too soon, maybe I feel terrible cause I just never learn to deal with my emotions. 

 One thing I kind of took away was that with Jaime, I most likely didn't feel secure enough to be vulnerable as he tends to run away and or erupt into a fight. And I felt like I was telling him and baring my soul just for him to dismiss that entirely. I think he triggered me to be way more anxious than I actually was as a person. 

Talked about why we broke up and how much I still love him and that it sucks so much to know that I can love a person but know that we won't work. 

My heart beats for you.

My heart mourns the day.

Where we sit on the porch, staring out into the water. 

My hand holding yours. 

Secure in the knowledge that we lived a good, fulfilling life. 

My heart mourns the jokes that you make. The little smile when you send me something funny and wait for me to notice. When you say something subtle, and waiting for somebody to get it, the little eye glint. The eye contact you make with me. The skip in the beat of my heart when I see your name light up on my phone. 

When you call me nugget. 

The smile that lights up your face.

Families and holidays and good food. I mourn for the idea of traditions and a well-choreographed routine. Eye contact across a dinner table, eye contact across a crowd. The hard blink smizing. 

The warm hand around mine. The warm hand around my waist, on my thigh as I lie next to you. Your touch calming me down. Making me secure. Assuring me that my thoughts are just that, my thoughts. My hand on your chest. Watching the hairs on your chest move as you breathe. Tracing the curve of your nose. Knowing that you are mine. 

I'm happy that we're moving on. Happy to have all these moments with you. I will forever treasure them as long as I remember them. I adore you. 

On growing old.

 I think after some time, I naturally come back here to dump my thoughts. 

I am closer to 30 than I ever have been. Then again, is there ever a day where I am less close to 30? maybe in my 40s? Where it's more aligned with how time flows? 

I think I'm at the point in life where I am starting to realize that time has seemingly been a waste for me. I have had spent a lot of time being unfocused, having multiple parallel things running. Maybe it's because I don't show my work. Maybe it's because I don't seem to like anything pass a certain stage, where I feel like I have mastered it, or that I'm good enough, or if I have hit a wall and in turn, cease to want to chase that dopamine.

I look across my apartment and see the graveyard of hobbies. Running shoes to indicate a period of time where I wanted to run a marathon. Plants everywhere during the time that I wanted to be a professional plant propagator, and then coming to Seattle and finding out that people are crazy about their hobbies here. All the books that I have bought on a whim. 

At the end of the day, I would rather have tried something and not succeed than to not even try it at all. 

Another sad thing is that trying things takes up time and money. Resources that are scarce and likely will not go hand in hand. 

 I am writing writing writing. 

It's really early on Tuesday morning and I'm hanging out with this pup that's scared of nearly everything. 

It feels like there's never ending amount of crap that is in my apartment. 

I keep throwing away things, yet there's still a never ending pile of crap that ends up in my apartment. It's an uphill battle. 

I am so tired. I think I should try and at least stay awake for all of the work day and until the pups leave. 

I know I should be decluttering but I'm not sure how and it feels like every time I make headway on clearing things out, more stuff come out of nowhere for me to clear out. I try to eat all the food that I'm buying, yet every time I do my groceries there's always leftovers and it has become endless. 

I want to try and adopt a buy it for life mindset where everything that I buy will follow me forever but there's still so much existing crap. I think the big decider is whether I would want to move with something.

I don't even know. 

On the flip side, there are so many things I want to do. I want to learn a hundred and one things but there doesn't ever seem to be enough time and motivation. 

I think the biggest thing right now is that I want more money. Can't afford the lifestyle that I want right now and the lifestyle that I have is too much. Need to cut down all around and be more comfortable. 

I don't even know what I'm saying. Felt like I've been on the phone for an eternity but apparently it's only been 10 minutes. 

And I feel so uncomfortable for whatever reason. 

I think I need to workout more.