Saturday, November 19, 2016



Just chilling on a Saturday. Is it weird that I don't want to go out anymore? Though I am invited to parties, I just massively prefer not to go. I rather stay home and watch Fantasia. Which is what I am doing right now.

Have actually never heard of Fantasia, was just scrolling through Netflix and this just happened to be on there. Thought it sounded interesting so I clicked on it. Now I think I vaguely remember watching this when I was a kid. It's the best feeling though. Accidentally finding a movie that you watched as a kid but didn't remember it's name so you just assumed it's lost forever, then accidentally finding it when you're all grown up.

Wow. Fantasia is totally written by somebody who is high as fuck. Hm. Maybe I should get high and watch this shit. It would certainly make it super enjoyable.

Also totally forgotten how boring this is. I guess when you're a kid everything just seems so fascinating to you.

The music is good though. I remembered I was totally freaked out by the walking brooms when I was a kid. Actually, even now it's kinda freaky. In a dungeon with brooms that are trying to drown you? Yea that's some nightmare shit.

So, about life. Tried dating, in fact, the guy that invited me to a party happens to be this guy I had a date with. And well dating kinda sucks. It's just awkwardness and silence. It's a pretty good ego boost though.

Alright hey, at least I'm not depressed anymore.

Watching Love Rosie instead now. I hate movies like that, though it's super addicting, it's incredibly stupid cause it's so irrational and unrealistic really. It's fun to watch though.

I'm out. Just gonna post this.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Wine List

Just keeping a list of wines I have tried. Wanna be a master in wine-tasting, cause wine-tasting seem classy as fuck.

1. FoxBrook Cabernet Sauvignon (2013) - was okay. Mildly intrusive. Aftertaste ain't that great. Not a sweet wine, fairly okay on sweetness. Dark, pinky color. Smell isn't that great either.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Haven't written in a while. I have been busy.

This semester is all bout commitment. Hardworking. All those power words.

I was writing my resume and I noticed that I did not stay at any student org/ job/ anything really for more than a few months. What does that say about me? I know very well, that I am a quitter.

Well you could tell. I had a resolution to write at least every week and now I'm averaging a post once a month.

University sap the soul out of you indeed.

Was flipping through the resumes of other people this semester. Am infinitely in awe of how people are able to commit to many things. Not only that. They have the courage to actively fight for what they want, something that I don't have.

Say, I'm interested in a student org or a job or something. I would probably just make a note about it in my journal/ planner, then proceed to totally forget about it. Makes me mad with myself.

Which I sometimes think is a good thing anyway. I have the tendency to join 10000 things in a year and proceed to nearly die over the course of the semester, while I give all my orgs/jobs/volunteer/classes nearly zero effort. No reading up coursework before lectures. Barely finishing homework. Never studying for quizzes. Sleepy on the job. Skipping volunteering sessions.

I applaud people that are able to commit to what they started.

Especially self learning crap.

Wanted to work out for the longest time. Also have been wanting to brush up on piano and guitar skills. Had a resolution to improve on cooking skills too. Can't cook for shits here. Wanted to learn how to code too.

And yet I always end up procrastinating and watching endless YouTube/Netflix marathons.

Yi Xian, you really need to get your shit together. For God's sake darling, you are 21 now. Legally able to vote. YOU ARE AN ADULT.

I still feel like a child. Wonder when will I ever feel like I have my shit together. Probably when I have kids. Cause well, you can't really bring a life to earth without making sure your own life is in order right?


Wednesday, August 3, 2016


I always intend to spend more time with my grandma.

She is just the cutest thing. I could describe her but she wouldn't be happy about it. She hates being old, the wrinkles, the liver spots, the being slow, the white hair. She doesn't like us paying any attention to all that.

But she loves us so.

Every time I go to her house, she would try, oh so very hard, to give us money.
I'll be like "No, popo, I have enough spending money, spend that money on yourself!"
And she'll respond with "I'm so old, I don't need so much money, I get money from interest in the bank."

She always thinks she's a bother, she walks really slow so she always feel like when she's out with us she slows us down.

My Popo is one of the strongest and most incredible woman I know. She got married when she was 16. And her husband died when her youngest child of six was three. And she single-handedly raised all of them.

She washed clothes for people, she started a business selling noodles, trying to make ends meet, and all that when she was barely 20.

I am 21 currently. What have I done.

She was also alive during the World War. When the Japanese invaded Tanah Melayu.

Her children grew up to be oh so successful. Many of us studied abroad.

So proud of her.

Yet, sometimes, we can't even muster the willpower to visit her at home, where she spends her days playing card games (by herself) and watching Disney channel (my aunt is a nanny).

And she only sees me once a year as I am in the States and I barely go home as home is too far.

She cooks for us though her hands shakes and trembles. She cooks for us though her daughter-in-law screams for her to stop messing up the kitchen.

My Popo, is the best.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Writing prompts


She pulled the knife from her chest and smiled.
“Was that supposed to hurt?”
Blood oozed slowly from the gaping hole, exposing her ribcage, which were still. Still as a lake. She grinned even wider, unnaturally, exposing her bright white teeth, as she observed the shell shocked expression on my face.
“Come here mi amore. Let me love you.”
The sound of Zack’s voice pierced through my trance. I fought to keep myself from throwing up my breakfast. Turning around, I sprinted as fast as I could, choking back tears.
Laurie, my beloved. They got her. She was now one of them.
What do I have to live for now?


Day 67
I have been through this before.
I blinked.
This seems different.
I gasped. These lights. They aren't like the other ones. These. These lights were familiar.
"She's awake...."
Applause. My eyes made out shapes. It's a camera. No, it's many cameras. So many that I can't even count.
" I?" I choked out. I licked my lips and swallowed. My mouth is so dry. I need to remember to moisturize.
"Andrea. Do you remember anything? Can you see? Do you feel any pain or numbness?"
"No...... I.... It was cold..... Wait..... Am I in a hospital?"
The man took a deep breath.
"Andrea. You were on an expedition in Antarctica. You were on a raft, that unfortunately capsized. You were found by some fishermen that brought you here. We are at the University of Alaska."
Oh thank god.
"Did I lose any limbs?" I looked myself over. I seem fine. But you never know, with current technology, they could fit a prosthetic on you that looks exactly like the limb you lost.
"No.....Andrea, I think you should know....that it has been 67 days since you died."

Monday, May 16, 2016


A drink in my hand, my snow up against the burning sand, probably getting gorgeously tanned in SUMMMER.

Well its not that warm yet. So it's like a springy summery thing going on here in the North. Where occasionally, like every 10 days of warm summer sun, BAM, you'll be hit by below freezing temperatures, or the occasional hail.

So I actually have nothing planned this summer. Would probably blog a ton, take a ton of photographs, do something productive probably, maybe.

Am currently in Milwaukee. Enjoying me some time away from Madison, where, although its the damn best city to live in the United States, gets kinda boring really.

OOH I think I should write about my BIRTHDAY, else I won't remember this shit. So, let's see. Started out kinda on the 13th, where I had my final paper in the morning. 7:45am in the morning. What is wrong with lecturers. They start their day at 5am in the morning and are not grumpy nor unproductive. Being old is pretty awesome, you don't need much sleep at all.

Finished my paper and left home, took a nap, cause well, it was a 7:45 am paper. Woke up somewhere around noon, cooked meself some good lunch, and watched some Disney movies. Planned to go to the gym but nah was too comfortable.

Went to dinner at Bandung, an Indonesian restaurant with my roommates though it was raining and freezing. Traveled quite a bit to reach there too. WAS SO GOOD. DAGING RENDANG FOR THE WIN. I loved it. Reminds me of home. Was pretty reasonably priced too. Then my friends bought me dessert. Rice pudding and Sticky Rice. MMM. I'm an easy person to satisfy. Buy me food and we'll be good friends for life.

The Lyft driver that drove us back to my place was deaf and ignored me for the majority of the ride. Thing was I didn't know he was deaf, and kept screaming out questions and thought he was the rudest lil shit ever. Plus he was a really sweet guy who adopted kids from China. Made me felt like crap so we gave him like a 50 percent tip.

Went home and hung out with SY and Eunice and WS for a while. Talked and all that.Received a call from Nabil and went out with him to Sotto. Danced like nobody's watching. And it was pretty damn late that time, it was like 2 in the morning and it was SO COLD. Temperature dropped to below freezing. AND ITS MAY. Jeez.

Woke up bright and shiny the next day, went to the farmer's market. OOH I also acted like a total idiot. My friends DT and AL wanted to surprise me with a birthday cake, so they were like we're going to the grocery store to buy some stuff. So the idiot I was went "OMG I need to buy food too" and trailed them around the store whilst they bought ingredients for "banana bread". Didn't feel that dumb then but then when they appeared in front of my bedroom I felt like an idiot, A VERY TOUCHED AND BLESSED IDIOT. I love people.

Watched movies with the roommates after that. Also went out for Mediterranean food. Chicken Shwarma FTW. Went to the Comedy Club to watch Joe List after that. Had a couple of drinks, since well, I'm of age now. It was fun. After that went to Auni's house to hang out and all that. Went home, again, around 2 am. AND it was still freezing.


It was great. I love everybody.

Friday, April 22, 2016

It's pretty hard to make friends.

Especially when you came from another country and share zero of the same culture. 

Will there be a day when I am like 50 years old and I have found that I have no real friends. As in, nobody that really know me for me. That would suck. 

It's not that I don't have friends. It's just I don't have a BEST friend. Somebody that knows me inside out, like Ted and Marshall, Chandler and Joey, although I feel like Joey and Chandler aren't the best BEST of friends, like Joey doesn't understand a lot of what Chandler talks about. But like Meredith and Christina. Yea. I want a friendship like Meredith and Christina. Somebody that I am able to trust my life decisions with.

I want a person.

I just haven't met him/ her yet. Well, I have a best friend on earth actually, just so happen I also am sleeping with him. So, er I don't know if that counts. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Just a few updates here. I am writing a paper and well, I haven't wrote in a long long long time, I need to kickstart my creative mind engine or something to start. 

So my paper is on Sally Mann, which is honestly so fricking cool. She's a photographer and author. EVERYTHING I used to aspire to be. Her job is literally my dream job. Just going around taking pictures and writing stories. 

So I bought myself a new laptop. A really expensive laptop. Huge splurge on my part. And now I have to buy myself a really expensive backpack to go with it. I'm gonna go bankrupt soon. 

I kinda feel guilty spending my parent's money like that. I try to save money but then I just utterly fail at saving money, and then proceed to feel guilty with every purchase I make. I'll be like, hey, I am going to quit buying expensive, overpriced, coffee from coffee shops, I'll just make myself a pot before I head out for the day. And then I just lose it when I walk past a coffee shop and then I run in and spend like 3 dollars for a cup of coffee that I could just make for like, a quarter. I am just a horrible money-saver. 

I actually am unable to word vomit like I used to. I tried writing some random shit to get things going but I don't know, just nothing comes to mind. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME. 

Oh so over the weekend dear Dylan came to town and we hung out and all. I feel so guilty sometimes cause when he comes over to Madison I kinda have a crapton of shit to deal with and am unable to spend time being a gracious hostess. It's his birthday too. So yea I feel like crap.

When do I NOT feel like crap. 

Oh and I feel like crap when I have no idea what's going on in class and have to depend on my classmates to be able to do basic homework. Which is like URGH, Xian, you are paying like 16 grand to attend classes, and you DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. Like dude, get your shit together man. 

Yea I think I got them creative juices up and running. Hahaha it's funny cause I am actually drinking a cup of juice this exact moment. I wish it is a sippy cup tho. Always wanted to drink out of one of those. I guess at one point of my life I have drank out of one, but I don't remember it. My mom hates me using pacifiers/ sippy cups. She blames them for the crooked ass teeth I have before I got braces.

Okay, got a paper and 3 pages of code to write. Xian out.

Friday, March 4, 2016

My Name

I always had a love-hate relationship with my name.

Well, more hate than love really.

Growing up, I hate to suffer through endless, and I repeat, ENDLESS, times that people try and fail to pronounce my name properly.

"Honestly I'm not even going to try and pronounce your name cause I'm sure I would butcher it."
"Just tell me how to pronounce your name"
"I love that you stick to your roots and keep your old name"

Not only that, most people just straight up forget my name most of the time. Since it's such a bitch to pronounce.

You would think that having a unique name would make it easier for people to remember, rather than a run-of-the-mill name. BUT NO, but maybe that's because my name is not only difficult to pronounce its also pretty darn long.

Well since my name started with a "Y", which is pretty much one of the last alphabet, I was always one of the last people to be called on during roll call. Which made me super nervous and twitchy every time a teacher or somebody did turns based on the name list. Since I had to wait super long to get to my name and looking at other people's presentation which were mostly like super impressive, made me feel really bad about what I had to present.

Not only that, you have to be super vigilant to catch your name since it is one of the last ones. You can't really not pay attention while the teacher/person rambles on. Which sucks if the class happens to be like, a class of a hundred people.

OH AND ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WAS A BITCH when you just aren't that good in holding a pencil yet nor now much about the alphabet and letters, and you had to write your name on everything and your name happens to be the MOST DIFFICULT THING TO WRITE EVER, especially in Chinese goddamnit, AND I attended Chinese school for like the first 6 years of my schooling years.

I just have so much name angst.


Okay, I figure I'll get the parts I hate about my name out of the way so that I will get all the complaining done and when I finish this rant, I will be in ALL LOVE relationship with my name.

Things I love about my name:

Well, it means, determination, worthy and virtuous, or that's what I think it means, I typed the Chinese equivalent into Google and that's what I got.

Which is pretty cool, how many names have dual or many meanings?

OOH it is also a boy's name in Chinese. Though, written in English, doesn't really mean much. And I think that's super cool, like, if we were in another country, I would have another identity, as a DUDE.

Oh and it goes pretty well with my brother's name too. My name and his name coupled together forms the word, DANGEROUS. Which is like super cool, my parents might have planned that out lol.

Well other than that, I'm out.

And the worse thing about names, it follows you everywhere, every time you introduce yourself, every time you hand in something that you wrote, every time somebody addresses you.

By the way, my name is Yi Xian, which is my first name, it has a space in the middle. And Americans don't understand this I have to correct my name everywhere in the school record. And endure people calling me YI for like a year.