Why am I unable to concentrate?

Within the duration of this blog post, I've took a break to cut my fingernails, and eat a cookie, and moisturize my face. 

Is it because my brain craves dopamine? Is it because of the constant barrage of information that we get from our phones?

I think I should probably go on a digital detox. Or start using something like Pomodoro to be able to concentrate better. 

I get sufficient amount of sleep and nutrients ( I think ) each day. The one thing I'm lacking might be exercise. Which I could try some yoga stretching right after this to maybe relax a little.

Maybe it's the anxiety. The thoughts racing at a hundred hours per second.

Maybe I should better plan my day. With a plan in mind, I can't afford to dilly dally my day away. 

Let's start with something small for this week

1. No Reddit/Robinhood/Instagram/Emails/Linkedin /YouTube hroughout the day. Only one hour allotted for those at the end of each day. 

2. During downtime. Read.

3. Yoga stretching

 Let's group back at the end of this week to see if I have made progress.

 

It seems as though I'm having a retro with myself. It's pretty interesting.

Maybe I should start doing planning with myself too. Treat myself as a software development company.

I want to be a thinker. 

When I was younger, I think my brain did things. It would dream of being grown up, it would spend it's days reading about amazing things that other people did, imagining myself doing those things when I was grown. Lamenting the fact that my body and brain wouldn't speed through time so that I would be able to do the things I dream of doing. 

Now that I am grown, all I want to do is to slow time down. There's endless things that I don't want to do but have to. My brain doesn't do anything anymore. It doesn't dream of impossible and amazing things, it just does what it needs to do to get me through each day. The mental gymnastics of keeping my body working, keeping my place habitable, keeping my emotions in check, making sure I'm alive.

 I long for the child that is wild.  

I pick up hobbies to keep myself from going insane, yet I hone none of those skills, choosing to instead spend my time stuffing my brain with mindless content. Registering none of it as important information. 

I don't know what to do. Is the solution to that, just to shun capitalism? 

I can't figure out why me and everybody else in this world falls into the same pattern on brain numbing. I consume more than I produce. Maybe it's that. I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it.

I guess I should think more.

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Is it weird that nearly nothing excites me anymore. Nothing evokes emotions from me anymore. Therapy cured my crippling depression and most of my anxiety and that has left me with...

..nothing.

I don't anger as easily. I don't frustrate that easily. I don't let the smaller things that get me down, get me down anymore.

But maybe I needed that emotion. That was the fuel that motivates me once upon a time. 

And nowadays, there's just nothing.

No amount of YouTube videos, no amount of Netflix/Hulu/HBO (every 24 hours in America, a new streaming service pops up) fills up the void, the yearning for something. 

I still wake up every day and do the routine I do everyday. 

Yet I'll write blog posts like the one I did this morning, or even the one a couple months ago. Ones that I forgotten I have written. 

I'll go through my journal entries and it's all the same.

The regret of letting the sands of time fall through my fingers.

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 I think I need a year abroad.