I guess I should write.

I can't stand Barry sometimes. I think all parents think that of their children. Especially smelly, dependent, teenage children who can't communicate. He's sweet now that he's sleepy and sleeping. He's especially cute when he finds a new toy. I just can't deal with the garbage eating, leash pulling, human jumping version of him. 

I love him a lot, but I'm coming to realize that he takes up a lot of my time.

The imposter syndrome is super real. I can't help feeling totally helpless. I hate my task. I don't want to talk to people! I hate feeling stupid and I hate asking questions, and I hate that when people explain them to me I don't know what the flying fuck they are talking about. And I don't think I'm good at expressing that this style of teaching is making me super uncomfortable and I doubt that I'll ever learn anything cause I'm good at learning things while I do them and not like that.

The expectations of me aren't lined up well. I should just talk to Lynn someday.

This is making me stressed out at work. Not knowing fucking anything. 

It's making me dread working. I really. Hate. This feeling. The feeling of not being able to take a break. The feeling of being my own person. The feeling of being alone. 

I can't help feeling so alone. 

I hate that the people that I want to be like wants nothing to do with me and I hate that I'm unable to be the person that I want to be. I hate that I freak out and act like such a weirdo all the time. I hate myself sometimes.

I hate myself all the time. 

I hate that people I don't want to associate myself with keep trying to associate themselves with me. I'm not sure if I'm a magnet for nice people that I can't relate to or what. Or that maybe I hate being nice. 

 I think I might need a therapist. 

Unfuck my weekend

Day 1

Challenge #1 

Fill up all of Barry's Kongs and freeze them. Throw his water, food bowls, toys and specialty feeders into the dishwasher as needed. Throw his blankets into the washer if they stink. Give him a bath if he's stinky.

Challenge #2

Water plants as needed. Fill up Liquidirt watering can as needed. Check if anything is amiss, if any plants need repotting or extra care or some propagation.

Challenge #3

Pick up clothes around the house and put it in the washer. Throw sheets in the wash and start a load. Check if blankets around the house need a wash. Throw in rags and floor mats as needed.

Challenge #4 

Spend 20 minutes in the kitchen. De-scuzz the stovetop, wipe down the counters, throw away the gross food in the fridge. Run the dishwasher as needed.

Challenge #5

20 minutes cleaning the bathroom. Start by filling the tub and sink with hot water and cleaner. Pour some cleaner in the toilet. Wipe down all surfaces, get the gunk off of the bottles in the shower, empty the trash, sweep or Swiffer the floor, wipe down the walls, then drain and wipe the sink and tub, and scrub the toilet.

Any time left over? Go through your medicine cabinet or drawers and do some unfucking.

Challenge #6 

Laundry done? Make your bed, put away clothes and things.

Challenge #7

20 minutes in the bedroom. This time, focus on your surfaces: nightstand, dresser, desk. Clear them off, put shit back where it belongs, and give everything a good dusting.  

Challenge #8

You’re avoiding something. It might be an invisible corner. It might be a box of crap you need to deal with. It might be your junk drawer. Whatever it is that you’ve been relieved that none of the challenges so far have made you deal with, that’s what you’re dealing with for the next 20 minutes. Don’t lie to yourself. You’re putting something off, but now you have to go deal with it.

Challenge #9

Floors. Vacuum and steam mop everything. 

 

Day 2 

Challenge #1

Check if we are low on anything. Toilet paper, dog food, birth control, rice, etc. Decide on what to eat for the week. Make a list of things to buy from the grocery store.

Challenge #2

Go grocery shopping or order things online based on previous list.

Challenge #3

Prep food for the week. Make soy milk. Make yogurt. Cut and wash vegetables. Marinate tofu or fish. Start making the soup or dahl or broth.

Challenge #4

Bills. Pay rent, utilities, check investments, check budgets. Claim work expenses. All the finance stuff.