Thursday, June 5, 2014

Engineering

Hey well as you guys know I'm an Asian girl, studying Mechanical Engineering, practically fulfilling my parent's dreams and hopes for me.

Well, had kind of a wake up call today. Maybe I should quit all the horrible studying, and just take mass comm or journalism as a profession. True, it may pay less, it may be more tedious and saddening, especially when you get your pay check, compared to being an engineer, but hey it would be a more glamorous job, and more suited for me.

Honestly I just took engineering as my major as I am superbly good in science and mathematics. But maybe being good in something just isn't a reason enough to be doing it for the rest of your life. Just like Chandler Bing, he chose advertising even though he's too damn old for it and he's damn good as a transponder.

I don't want to become a Chandler Bing. Maybe in the 90's it was okay to change professions as it was before the age of the internet. Like heck there are some 6 years old who can play better piano then I can ever play in my entire life right now on the Internet and I cannot afford to start playing piano when I'm 30 and expect to be a pro just like they are. People would think I'm pathetic.

My parents, truth to be told, are extremely biased. When my brother was choosing a profession, he too chose to become an engineer, and he was somehow shot down by my dad, as dad didn't want him to take the same path as he did (my dad's an engineer too) cause it was a tedious job and soul killing I guess. Somehow, it was OKAY for me to choose to become an engineer instead when I was choosing a major, maybe because I'm a girl.

I hate being a girl.

I don't know.

Feelings are very conflicted lately. Had a huge talk with my BF. And things are horrible.

Hey you, if you ever find this post. You know who you are.

I like you. I really do. It's just sometimes, things that you do, makes me think that we will never be more than friends, no matter how much I wish differently.

I don't want to change you, nor change myself, nor do I want our friendship, or whatever we happen to be in, to end horribly or awkwardly, like how all my previous friendships and relationships all end.
Sure, people may say, change, is what keeps the relationship alive. But if you do change to suit me, it will forever feel like I forced you to change, and that, will eventually break us apart someday.

I appreciate every single tiny thing you did for me, I'm not blind. The fact that you would spend 80% of your day with me, doing whatever I feel like doing, occasionally be my very willing punching bag, makes me sad that I know you are keeping your hopes up.

You're not in the Friendzone. You know that. We are slightly more than friends. But somehow,  though we may be close, there would always be a tiny bit distance between us. Like you never telling me where you go at night, and me being all secretive and always doing my disappearing act.

I'm such a big hypocrite. I'm so sorry. After all, just being a girl.

Standing at the line between friendship and relationship, its really hard to take a step either way, so hey you can't blame me for wanting the quick way out of it.

Engineering or MassComm. Should I stay in my comfort zone, miserable but assured or should I take a risk, jumping into uncharted waters.

Toodles

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Parents

Hey

So here's a post about how I'm barely alive living with my parents.

So I'm 19 this year and I'm in my second year of university. Naturally I'm living with my parents since I can't afford to live on my own.

"What do you mean?" people say, "Living with your parents is what that's KEEPING you alive"

True that. But its actually killing my soul inside.

I really love my parents, I really do. Who doesn't? Even orphaned kids often think of their parents, wondering who they may be, or even abusive parents or parents that abandon their kids, whose kids still would occasionally think what their parents would think of them, when they succeed in life and all that. I know, I've watched Annie.

But being Asian, I have typical Asian parents, who expects a daughter with straight A's, fluent in all languages, musically inclined, a good cook, independent and smart. Well, as a good and filial daughter I try my best in pleasing them, but somehow, they are never satisfied. Honestly, compared to my brother, I think I'm a major success, and that the Asian gene is strong in me; I score well in Maths, keep my grades up, I'm even studying to become an engineer, which heck that's so totally a typical Asian major.

Parents, they are never satisfied, score A's, they think you can do much better. I try being communicative with them and actually telling them about my life, but no, I get shoot down in every aspect, about how my behaviour in life in wrong. For example, I tell them how I am talkative in piano classes, and that the rest of my classmates don't talk that much, their immediate answer would be, why aren't you listening and paying attention in class, don't be talkative, and practise more piano.

Okay.

They are soul sapping aliens. SORRY MOM AND DAD, but yea, how do you guys expect me to have a life? If I do live up to your standards, I would be just a drone. Why don't you just go ahead and build your own perfect child if that's the case.

SO, being at home, I would just keep my silence and keep my head down. I think that's the cause for like 90% of my socializing problems. Thanks mom and dad. I'm a loner and have practically ZERO friends, but at least I have good grades right, that would so be totally useful in my future where I die alone in my mansion playing with all my cool games and gadgets whereas my ovaries shrivel and die.

See my point now. Maybe its just my family.

Oh anyway saw this video from Emma Blackery which kinda motivated me to write all these.



Oh and I watched Edge of Tomorrow today, and it was awesome. Awesome storyline, nothing hooks me like a good storyline. Though there were a few loopholes. Tom Cruise is still so handsome for his age, damn I want a husband like him that won't age, like when I'm 70 my husband would still be gorgeous looking like 20.

OOOOOOOOH when I earn my big bucks and have my mansion, I could totally afford a 20 year old husband when I'm 70. A REAL 20 year old, and not some 60 year old that only LOOKS like a 20 year old. YEEHAA am totally motivated to study now. My parents mean well.

Toodles