I do run anxiously attached. 

Met up with Jaime yesterday and I feel it all in my body. Scheduled a session with Jen and hopefully I'll feel better about it. 

We talked yesterday. I wrote him a letter today. My heart is pounding, i feel disconnected with reality. I should be hungry but I'm not. I am feeling withdrawals all over me. It feels better now than when I woke up but I still feel terrible. 

It's hard to pinpoint what is the reason for my distress. I am trying really hard to be in tune with my emotions but it is very hard. They constantly elude me. The dogs do make me feel less alone. 

My nose ring fell out this morning and it took a bit to put it back in. And for a moment I thought about not putting it back in. 

Is it because I feel rejected? It is because I was very vulnerable and then he kind of dismissed/didn't really take accountability the way I wanted him to? 

I do feel pain. I don't know where this pain came from. I do feel a lot better writing that letter to Jaime. But I do feel a lot of pain. I am not sure why and how. Is it rejection? Not really. I don't even know. I want it to stop. I want to not feel this pain anymore. But I don't know how to. I don't know how to and what I can do.

Okay maybe the cure is to just have Jaime call me. Cause he did and we had phone sex and now I feel all better. Wow. I think it really was just the rejection. 

I really did try to make him feel better about himself.

This is the letter I wrote -> 

Hey Jaime,

It's very illuminating to have these talks with you. I am hearing a lot about how you feel more so during our relationship.

I'm sorry I have caused you pain. That I have made you feel badly about yourself. That makes a lot of sense. I am sorry. I did not know the impact of my words nor did I know that a lot of things I said would make you feel badly. I don't think I really knew the value of my words and words are both cheap and expensive to me, it's the way I was brought up and the only thing I knew for a very long time. I was also in a lot of pain for most of our relationship and that was reflected in the way I treated you. Hurt people hurt people. I am sorry. It is not fair. It's not an excuse for anything. I hope that you can forgive me. Know that I truly think the world of you. You have taught me so much and changed me in many different ways. Know that you are so so special to me and that I really value our relationship. I tried to show you all that and I hope that during our relationship, you’ve felt how much that I have cared for and loved you.

I am sad and I am mad. I am scared to live this life without you. I am sad that despite everything, we didn't work out. I loved you so much and tried so hard. I am still hurt above all else and bitter about how I felt during our relationship. I am hurt that you are moving on and are happy without me in your life.

I thought I was over this pain yet here I am, pouring it onto a page in VS code. Crying non stop.

My heart hurts but this has helped.

Why does it feel like I want him more when he rejects me? Am I that broken?

 I am writing here again. I watched a YouTube video that says that people should keep their goals quiet cause that allows energy to go out and make people loose energy for working on something. I think there's truth to that. I think whenever I tell people about how I want to do something, I end up feeling like I have to live up to that expectation and I feel bad about it, which makes me less inclined to look for a position. 

I do feel the most motivated I have been in a long time. I do think I should definitely keep my goals quiet tho.

It is my birthday today. I keep forgetting about it. I don't really feel much different. It feels like any other day. That is kinda nice.

Hm. I just came back from New York last night. Taking the Link to Tukwila international boulevard from SeaTac made my Uber fee go from 60 -> 40. And it took 10 minutes to take the Link for one stop. I did feel unsafe on the Link though. That is to be expected I guess. Money savings always equal slight chance to be in slightly sketchier situations. Such is the world. 

I think I do need to look max. Learning a lot from hoe_math, which is interesting cause it views the world in such a different way than I do. He scribes that the valuable thing for women is looks, personality and purity, and outlines a ton of other stuff as things that women prioritize. I think I don't really know what I want out of my partner and I might need to take a good hard look at that.

I think I need to take my dating life more seriously than I used to. It was always a, eh, just there kind of thing but I'm turning 29 tomorrow and I think it needs to be something I prioritize a little more. 

Another thing is that I should really start being very intentional with my time. I really like climbing, yet I have yet to be good at it. Because girl, you don't take the time to intentionally go climbing. I want to take my health and wellness seriously cause I wanna look max LOL. But for reals, I think if I'm not gonna be fit and healthy now, I won't ever be. And the one sad thing is that maybe my health and wellness is the one thing I can still sort of control in my life that would give me endless positive dividends. 

It is focus week this week and I guess I don't really have too much to do. I'm hoping to get the SQL backfill script done by today and then have the rest of the week to do dilly dally things. Planning on finally finishing up the kitchen. I say that every week but I think I'll be able to finish the left cabinets by today and start working on the right tomorrow.

I have Ember this weekend too so it'll be mostly me being at home most of this week. Which would either drive me crazy or make me super productive. 

I also really need to sit down and do the accounting on this apartment. I also really need to move houses. I can't get comfortable now. 

 I think Jen might be on to something again. 

We talked about life. About my frustrations with my life. I am afraid of admitting a lot about myself. I am afraid of failing, afraid of rejection, afraid of putting myself out there. I am nervous about everything and anything. 

I really think I'm overly hard on myself. I can't imagine how much harder Jaime is on himself. 

 I think Jen might have a point where I am too hard on myself.

My heart is hurting today. I think I will always be a little broken for a while after Jaime. I don't know what is bugging me though. The idea of him being with somebody else doesn't phase me. I don't really want to get back together with him. I actually think the idea of losing somebody like him in my life is the part that hurts. Like. He was such a big part of my life. It's hard to let go on friendships and companionship and somebody that knew me well. It's hard to let go of a friend. I think I have let go of the fact that he's a lover for a while. But I think losing the friend is hard.

I finished the hallway. And I feel really good about it hehe. 

I finished my connect. The last post on here was about how I have not finished my connect but here I am and I good good reviews on it.

I'm going to do something ballsy today and update my resume and finish the work for the SARIF validation. 

Spent the morning reading and listening to the feud between Kendrick Lamar and Drake. Kendrick Lamar is a genius. I listened to euphoria initially and I didn't get the references and I thought it was cool and I assumed that Drake's push ups was going to be something on par and I listened to it and was...amused? 

On Zhong's advice, will finish watching the video essay that he sent over. 

Also debating whether I should take more time to make a bunch of websites. I am watching this dude MarcLou and I'm gaining some kind of inspiration.