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Showing posts from 2019
I haven't been writing in a while and I thought I should get back on the horse.

Writing, over time, has become less and less of my forte. It's not as though my ability to write has gone, it's more that my willingness to share has disappeared.

I have become more of a private person. I don't know when it started but I realized that people don't care too much about you. Such is the nature of humans, we are all a little narcissistic.

I also learned that over time, it's not that people don't care about you anymore, it's that people around you assume that you don't care about them. It goes both ways. And by wallowing in your own sadness, you failed to realize that everybody is also in the same fucking boat.

I don't know.

That has become the motto of my life at this time and age. I'm uncertain about everything and anything. Any philosophies I have held dear to me during my lifetime has changed. And I'm unsure and wary of everything.

It's been a struggle for me to find myself. To figure out what I want in life, who I really am, what are my true and core values without having society telling me who and what I should be. Is my identity tied to my history? I believe so, but does that mean I'll never be able to change that? How do I embrace who I really am?

I sometimes feel like life is all so tiring.

Justin. I don't feel feelings towards him anymore. Just an occasional pang. I'm glad he gets to live the life he wants without me holding him back anymore. I'm glad that we finally call it quits. It was really tough pretending to be someone I'm not. And he tolerated me. And me him. And for the longest time I was hoping to get some sort of connection/closure from the guy, and even today, I guess I'm hoping for some kind of conclusion rather than the somewhat open-ended break up we had. And I think I came to the realization a while back that I'll never get the connection that I wanted out of a relationship with him.

God bless.

You never give up on the American dream, giving up would be un-American.

I've lived with the constant struggle of being in between worlds. Do I go home? Do I stay here in the United States? What have I worked my whole life for? What do I want to save my money up for? If I had all the time and money in the world, what would I do?

Do I strive for the white picket fence? The house in the suburbs. Drinking beer and grilling out on summer nights. The shoveling of snow of the driveway. The neatly trimmed lawn. The family dog.

I want to travel. I want to walk the plains where wild bison roam. I want to watch the sunset over the mountains. I want to see it color the sky pink and orange. I want to breathe the cold fresh air that invigorates my lungs. I want to sit by the water and watch it ripple. I want to see snow-capped mountains.

I also want the grind. The hustle and bustle of the city. The feeling of being small in between the tall buildings. The night lights. The sense of purpose of people that walk around me. To watch people living the life that they are living. Couples on dates, couples fighting, children playing, people walking dogs.

I also want to be home. Feeling the love of my parents. My grandmother. My siblings. My family. I want to come home to dinners. I want to read while my father blasts 80's hits on the stereo. Smelling the scent of newspapers and coffees on the back patio. The quaint tiny house that is always too noisy, too small.

Why can't I have it all?
Justin,

It's Sunday today, and I've always love Sundays with you. I was thinking about the plants in our little garden bed. I was wondering how they were doing. Are they big and blooming? Are the vegetables ready to eat? Do we have onions and potatoes under the soil? I was thinking about us going to the dog park in the morning with Dany. I like Sundays with you, they were always a mixture of productivity and lazing around. I hated spending the summer apart from you. But what to do, life tore us apart.

 I was thinking about you moving next week. You'll be moving out of the little house we've called our home. I'm thinking of those little plants. They'll be cut down by the next tenant. Oh that breaks my heart.

I miss us so much.


Justin,

I miss you so much. In good and bad ways. I miss telling you about my day and complaining about various scenarios while you listen and nod your head. I don't have anybody to talk about my day no more. Nobody cares.

I miss sitting on the couch with you in our beautiful apartment. The one we made into our home. Our idiotic fish, our insanely intelligent and cowardly dog, the statement wall, the kitchen with all the plants, and of course our absent roommate. I miss cuddling in bed, feeling warm and wanted and loved.

I was thinking about the one time you had jury duty, and you picked me up at Holos to have lunch with you at Willy Street. It's weird that whenever I spend time with you, I get into this floaty state, where reality isn't real anymore.

I also think of you. I saw a picture of Jeanette today since it's Allison's birthday, and all I could think of was you wanting to date her. She looked hot. I felt a pang of hate towards you again. I was thinking where else in the world that we could move so I won't see any of your weird exes, and guess what, it was nowhere in the world. Perhaps New Zealand.

I know we had something good. But I need to work on myself and you do too. I hate the fact that I have stuff at your place, that our lives were once that intertwined. And I also miss that too.

I secretly hope that one day we'll end up together, that we both meet again at the right place and the right time. I'm sorry for every negative emotion that I have evoked in you. Good night.
Thought I would write a bit. I haven't been in the best place.

I broke it off with Justin. He refuses to let go, which makes things so much more complicated since he's always an option for me. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt anybody other than myself. I can't deal with that.

Went to a therapist today. She suggested that I try medication. I don't know if I should. On the one hand, it's less work for me. It's a magic pill that'll make me a happier person, a functional member of society, on the other, who am I without it? What is my identity without it?

I talked about killing myself. I don't think I've ever talked about it. But Justin, it has to do with you.

Do you know I still put you down as my emergency contact? It's as though I can't believe you're out of my life. I KNOW I need you out of my life. I depend on you and I should not. You're not responsible for my life. And I hate the fact that I don't think I can live without you. You're so toxic to me.

Do you know how nice the piece of glass feels against my skin? For the longest time, it was the only thing I was in control of. I hate you, you've put me in that situation. And after countless times of talking to you, I still feel dead inside. I hate you. I love you. The pain felt good, it indicated that I was alive. And I haven't felt that way for a long time. In fact, after this, I'm going to run a blade across my skin just to feel something.

Day 2

I hate you more today.

Again, I see you in everything around me.

I keep imagining some girl, hotter than me, the same race as me, big tits and all bouncing on your cock.

I keep imagining some girl going down on you and you doing the thing you do when it gets good.

I have more scenarios in my head where you do increasingly unspeakable things. 

I hate you.

You've hurt me so much throughout the time we dated. There's so much resentment that I have towards you. I wished we never met. 

I almost feel as though I should go out and hurt you the way you've hurt me to make me feel better, to make me feel in control again. 

I hate you.


Day 1


Everything around me reminds me of you.
I miss your texts throughout the day.
I miss your generosity, I miss your hugs, I miss your smell, I miss you loving me.
I miss your wholehearted support of all the stupid and whimsical things I decide to do.
I miss living together, I miss coming home to you. I miss you coming home to me. I miss sitting on the couch and watching tv at the end of the day, or just a Sunday afternoon.
I miss dressing up and going out with you. I miss winter nights where we walk in the snow. I miss going to the dog park on weekends and farmer’s markets in the spring.
I miss making dinner with you. I miss you complimenting my cooking even though it sucks.
I miss going to Home Depot together to pick up things for all our random projects. I miss going to the grocery store with you.
I miss you taking care of me when I’m down. That takes a lot out of you and out of me.
I’m sorry for everything that happened. I really need this and I really appreciate all you’ve done for me. I’m glad you’re letting go. I love you and I miss you.

Journaling

Guess my resolution to write more hasn't panned out eh?

I'm worried that one day I'll wake up and look back at my life and regret it. I'll regret not being happy every single day. I'll regret that I've filled my life with seeking fulfillment and missing out on life itself. I worry that I haven't touched enough lives of people. I worry that the emptiness inside me will never be filled. I worry that I'll always only ever envy the lives of other people and never seeing the beautiness of my own. 

I worry that every second I spend not being on the path to making myself happy, that it would make or break my future.

I've spent this weekend alone and I do nothing but think. Thinking is so fucking detrimental to me. Every second that I spend thinking, I just increase my anxiety. I should really get around to hiring a therapist.

Errands

I slipped up yesterday. Didn't write a post here like I intended to do.

I found out about macrame and wanted to try my hand at creating a macrame pot hanger, which ended up taking up most of my night. I also grocery shopped and put dishes into the dishwasher.

It's so weird how achieved I feel just doing small errands. Growing up in a society that normalizes housewives and maids, errands such as grocery shopping, cleaning dishes, taking out the trash are a given.

It's also sad that I feel achieved doing small errands. It is a part of life. I feel like I should be able to do small things like cleaning the house and it should be a habit of mine instead of a task that I need to mentally prepare myself to do.

I also think it's ridiculous how seriously people take mental health. This might just be my self-hatred speaking. What I meant by that is how society babies people suffering from depression and anxiety or various other illnesses that plague millennials.

Don't get me wrong, it's an issue that everybody needs to discuss and be educated on. I guess, what I'm trying to express is that I feel as though I have a convenient reason as to why I'm unable to do simple tasks, and that is depression. Again, I cannot reiterate this enough, I don't like to be me.

I feel as though I suffer from mental illnesses because my life was too good.

When you don't have things to worry about, like where your next meal comes from, or how do I get myself out from poverty, or a war to fight, you tend to question yourself. And I in part believe that's where my anxiety comes from.

I have nothing to strive for. Nothing to challenge myself in. Life is good.

I'm only speaking for myself though. I'm a very special snowflake and I'm in the special snowflake demographic.

I remember thinking while I was walking home yesterday about writing being a form of art. Reading Patti Smith transports you to a place where you feel certain emotions. It's hard to put into words, but something like wanderlust, it's a feeling when you watch an especially good travel video with all the right instrumentally music.

Writing about my day isn't all that interesting. I should write about topics. Stories. And, I'm going to try to achieve that.

Day 1 of 365

Hello,

I'm starting to think that I need more hobbies to keep me occupied and have something to show for my life by the time that I die. I do look back on this blog once or twice throughout the year and relive my life at the moment that I wrote it.

So, a mini-challenge for myself, to write a blog post every day this year. Partly because I think it'll improve my mental health, partly because I want to savor my memories in the future. Or let my grandkids know me as a youngin. Or, just improving my writing skills and communication skills in general.

Today was a busy day. It's the day after memorial day and I went into work early. By early, I mean like 8.30am. I walked to work instead of taking the bus today because I felt sluggish, and hey, I need the exercise. Woke up early cause I had the window open and some early morning ambulances drove past on my street.

I spilled eggplant and tofu sauce onto my bed. Should really stop eating on my bed. It's not as though I have any other form of furniture for me to eat off of. So now I'm sitting on a naked mattress on the floor typing this blog out.

I'm thinking how cool it would be if I could attach a picture here. Like some retro-y, film style picture of me on my bare studio apartment. I should get a tripod.

Work-wise mostly debugged this bug regarding backdated data checks and future installments. Briefly learned about settlements and debit schedules.

God, why didn't I throw my socks into the wash too. I have like three pairs of socks just lying around. I'm such a slob.

Alright, that's all for today, will check in tomorrow.

Moving to Chicago

I've moved to Chicago.

It's a big step in my life. My first time wearing big girl pants. Being a full grown adult with responsibilities and what not. And getting paid for something that I do. I lack a lot of life experience that other people have. I'm rich in others, but I tend to rely a lot on people around me. Poor Justin. I feel bad for him for being the butt of my anxiety and depression.

I came to realize I have really bad self-esteem issues. Any bad feelings that I generate, any anxiety and any depressive thoughts come from the fact that I believe that I'm not good enough.

Poor Justin again. Butt of my horrible self-esteem issue. I sabotage our relationship once everyday to make myself feel better.

I overcompensate by being too arrogant. It's a shitty thing.

Seeing another therapist on Monday. Here's to hoping that she's any good.


Learning to write

Hi,

Just saw a YouTube video by Jordan Peterson saying how writing is similar to thinking, and learning to write well helps you think effectively. I agree to a certain extent because within my day to day I tend to numb my thinking with various distractions. In today's world, distracting yourself has become so easy that people forget to think.

While there are some things that I agree with Jordan Peterson, there's a lot that I don't. He talks about things like it is fact and although I have not fact-checked him, I still feel skeptical of. From the one or two videos that I've seen of his talks, he thinks that women are unwise for choosing a high powered career when they can just kick back and let men do the job, because eventually when a person gets older, the less that they care about their career.

But, I don't know, I feel like being dependent on a man is one of the worse things a woman can do. Sure it's nice if the man is nice and just and good towards you, but what if he isn't? What if he cheats, and lies and abuses you? A woman won't have a career to fall back on? Just, in my opinion, he comes off slightly as a woman hater? But I do admit I haven't watched nearly enough of his videos to make a good judgment.

Regardless, I did my thinking for today. He's right though, the more time I spend wasted today, the more I'll regret it, cause I guess it's like compounded interests, time that I have today is more valuable than time in the future.

Ooh also have been thinking about retirement. Ironic isn't it, that I haven't even received my first paycheck to be thinking about retirement. But that's what I aim to work towards. I just need to outline the lifestyle that I expect and project my savings/earnings from there. Have to talk to Justin about this I guess.