Obsession Part 2

Opened tabs littering my screen. Analysis Paralysis. There are too many things to do in this life and too little time. 

The device in front of me allowing me to reach the depths of this world. Joining the hive mind. The collective ideas that come out of people. I need to join it. I need to join the collection of knowledge. Joining my stream to this ocean of information. 

My refusal to be part of the ocean makes me secluded. My little puddle being fed by small streams of water, growing yet never having the potential to be anything bigger than a puddle. It's full of life. Anemone everywhere, sustaining wildlife, allowing things to drink from me. 

I think I've been running a long time. It's refreshing to take a deep breathe here. To access my resources. 

I think I might not be even a fraction of the brilliance I thought I was. My brain stagnating, just like that puddle of water. 

Obsession

 I don't recognize myself. The yearning. The heart pounding, the lump down my throat, the pressure on my chest. 

Acoustic beats play in my ear and I don't notice them anymore. 

All I want is you.

All I want is to know that I'm loved by you.

The object of my hyperfocus obsession. The constant earworm of my brain. I want to tell you everything. I can't be without you and I can't be with you.

This stupid device in my hand allows me to be with you every second of the day. Just a few taps away. Just a few taps away. Just a few taps away. 

Looking at the screen, willing the black mirror to come alive. To tell me that you love me. 

 I don't even know what to say. 

I'm anxious cause I feel rejected.

I don't know how to feel less rejected. Apparently, I have to accept it. 

So here. He said he doesn't want to talk. That there's nothing to talk about because I broke up with him. 

He doesn't want to talk. He doesn't care about the relationship the way that you think he does. 

Respect that he doesn't want to talk, and that me trying to force it is just me trying to make myself feel better.

It's over. He never wants to be with someone that threatens the relationship. Girl you done fucked up. 

It is the feeling of rejection. Whenever I think of him not wanting to see me, the anxiety comes back. I think it's really detrimental to see him now especially. 

You are single now. 

Life is going to be perilous here. You are going to feel lonely. You will miss your friends and family. Focus on your career, focus on the friendships that you want to cultivate, focus on hobbies, skills, the apartment, fitness and being as present as possible with family.

There are still a couple months of summer left. Go out, work on running again. 

My heart is heavy today. I don't really know how I feel to be perfectly honest.

I am a little hurt that he didn't bother to text or talk to me. Then again, I am not surprised. 

Am I okay never talking to him again? I don't think so. I don't think I can stand not seeing or talking to him again. But I'm going to be okay. It's going to be okay.

He didn't bother to listen to you. 

He didn't bother to check in on you the entire time you were on vacation. 

He didn't bother to check in on you the entire time his family was here.

All he thought about was Ada. Ada's mom.

He wouldn't make the effort to get rid of her things when you asked him to.

That's not your responsibility. You don't need to feel any responsibility to make him feel better.

He would nit pick on the smallest things about you. Make you feel more and more insecure, make you think that there's something wrong with you. Tell you that your anxiety was invalid, that your feelings are invalid.

He would tell you that you interrupted him and he would lose his temper at you.

He would lose his temper at you for no reason.

He wouldn't support you. Never helped you with things around the house. Never gave you the confidence you needed. 

Made you feel so small.

He didn't tell you that he loved you. 

He doesn't love you. 

He would never chase you down.

He told you that he would never chase you down.

That I wasn't worth it.

He didn't even care that you left. 

He never did. 

He never told you the stuff that plagues him. 

He is not your partner. 

He is not somebody you want to spend your life with. Somebody that doesn't share with you their hopes and dreams and problems.

And I'm worth more than that. 

 I guess it's over.

I don't have to deal with the ghost of Ada anymore.

I don't have to deal with the tantrums and the moodiness and the feeling of inadequacy and not feeling loved anymore.

I don't know why I bother to try to get closure. I guess I'll never need to get that.

I really thought this was different. I guess it's not. 

And I really tried this time. I don't think it's me. I think I did well this time. I'm actually really proud of myself. 

And yes there's still care and love but. That will go away in time. Eventually you won't even think about him anymore. 

He doesn't want to talk to you. You know you're going to be better without him. So just leave. You don't have to say anything more. Just leave. 

 Cars and trucks drive past the busy street beside mine. They are so loud. I hate this apartment.

Waking me up from a dreamless sleep

It's way too early in the morning and I don't know what to do. The heat is sticking to my skin.

My apartment seems so foreign to me. It feels less like home than when I woke up with my friends.

My legs ache from the hiking I have done. Reminding me of the days past, that I was once happy, even though it was only a day or two ago. 

Oh, how much has happened in a day or two 

I thought you were my life. The bright spot in my otherwise gloomy world. 

You have left now. There isn't a bright spot in my world any more. The sun has set. 

 I need to find another source of light. 

How do I feel seeing that you have ignored my messages yet again? That you do not care about me anymore. That I mean nothing to you.

I don't feel like holding on. I don't want to feel less than you anymore. I don't want to feel as though I'm the only person caring about this. I don't want to feel the worthlessness that I feel around you. That I am not a part of your life. That I mean nothing. That you need me because you have no one. 

I hate the fact that you pick on the smallest and dumbest shit that happens. That you are perturbed by everything, that you never let bygones be bygones.

I still think having you around is better than not having anybody around. 

I don't crave you anymore.

I think I need go get up. Create my own bright spot. Create the meaning in my life instead of expecting you to be mine. 

It hurts, it sucks, it pains me. But I think it's time for me to get up.

Someday I love

 Someday I'll love you Yi Xian

Someday you'll look at yourself and see the beauty that you can't see

That you're more than just what you see in the mirror

That each blemish and line on your hands tells the journey that you've been on.

That the world is ending so that you can begin. 

That the words that you hear are not who you are and that every day it feels like you're skating uphill and that your legs don't work as fast as you want to, and that they hurt and all you want to do is to stop. 

I started writing this as way to give myself hope. 

And I'm yet again, falling into the despair that my brain created for me. 

That every morning you've succeeded in getting out of bed. 

That every morning you wake up, you get your ass into the bathroom, you brush your teeth and stare at yourself, hating every feature, every blemish, every eyebrow hair that you see. 

I don't think I should write this today. 

I don't think I have the hope that I thought I would. 

Cause all I can think about is how much I hate myself. 

Maybe someday I'll love you Yi Xian, but today is not the day.

 I don't know if I want more from you.

But if you're not going to invest any emotions, I'm hesitant to invest any of mine. And I've been already holding them back. But it really feels like we're just going through the motions then. I did think about it more and I feel nothing a lot of the times but I'm also doing this thing where I'm amplifying your flaws in my head. It's really not healthy and I hate it.

I don't know what a good way to deal with it would be like. 

And I already feel like we're just going through the motions of being together, but it just feels like play pretend. 

And if it's so okay with you that I'm going to leave. Then, I don't know why I'm wasting my time at all? 

I want to be wanted. 

And while there's no expectations, and I don't want there to be any, it kind of seems pointless to me to invest in this at all. 

At the end of the day. I don't want to lose you. 

Maybe I wouldn't feel this way at all if we didn't go through the original time we had together. Cause now I want parts of that but not all of it. 

Maybe I'm just not the right person for you right. 

I don't think I can be very sane around you if I'm anxious and insecure. Like, I don't even like hearing your sex stories anymore. And it used to be fun. I just feel crazy and I hate feeling that. 

I think we need to set some expectations about this.

I don't think my needs are being met. I don't feel secure. I'm anxious a lot. And I keep thinking about leaving. Like all the time. I know I don't want to. And I know my emotions are being stupid because it always reverts back to shitty trauma, and my brain needs to be the one to rationalize stuff. 

I feel a lot of bodily functions first. Pressure on my heart, sweat, nausea, lump in my throat, etc. Sudden tiredness, insomnia, loss of motivation, general irritability, etc.

That leads me to know I have emotions, cause in general I'm fucking out of tune with them. My rational mind and my emotions/trauma brain run on different frequencies and I typically have a lot of problems trying to sync them up together. And ITS SO TOUGH figuring out emotions, because my trauma brain reacts to those emotions without knowing what they are. And my trauma brain is a bitch, cause she's flaky, she's reactive, she screams, she runs away and gives up, she's just all around crazy and I try my best to keep her in check and I know she means well cause all she's doing is trying to protect me.

And once I fucking figure out what my emotions/trauma brain is trying to do, and I finally root cause this bitch, that's when I try to take action. 

I'm currently at the point where I might or might not know what my trauma brain is trying to do. I'm feeling all sorts of insecurity, all kinds of anxiety, and the HUGE urge to run away from you, strong feelings about how we're very incompatible and that we are WAY too different and that I'm unable to grow with you.

So let's deal with things one at a time. Cause maybe we have different expectations of things. 

I expect you to support me. Be my fucking biggest advocate.

I expect you to communicate. Tell me about your day, tell me the highlights, tell me the low lights, tell me your plans and your future, and things you look forward to, funny interactions. Let me know about your life, let me be happy for you, let me care for you, let me be your fucking cheerleader, let me share your stress, your burdens, your interests. Tell me things that you want, and if you're not ready, tell me you're not ready. I don't want to fill in the blanks of what happens when there's a gap in communication because my idiot brain doesn't have that information. And I'll try my fucking best to do the same for you.

I expect you to always prioritize yourself. To take care of yourself first. To eat well, to exercise, to go out with your friends, to tell me when you're annoyed, tired etc. But also communicate to me about it. Tell me you're tired, tell me you need to do something because of something. 

I expect us to have fun. To kid, joke, talk shit, gossip, fuck, and play. To make the dumb and mundane and terrible things in life just a little better because having another person makes it fun.

I expect you to hold me accountable. To make sure I do the things I want to do. To build towards goals.

I expect you to be patient with me. Cause I'm also working to be a better person. 

I expect you to always want to be better. To listen with an open mind. 

I want a partner. And I don't know if you see me as such at all. 

 I should be writing down more of my life. 

Sometimes I feel like I just live day to day without any lasting effects in this world. Yet I'm not sure how to change that. How to have meaningful days. I feel like I want to make big changes yet I'm unable to.

Maybe I'm impatient and trying to jump to the end and I shouldn't be doing that. Maybe it takes day to day effort to be able to make a big change. 

Maybe I'm not marketing myself enough and I'm not being proactive enough or maybe I don't have the grit to do a lot of things.

I should check with my mortgage company to see if they are covering taxes or if that's something I have to worry about.

I don't think I prioritize the right stuff most times. 

Music heals me

 I can't describe the patterns that pop up in my head

The lilting sounds that bounce from a note to another, however arbitrary a note can be

Or sounds that exist in a jagged pattern, lacking the curves that make it beautiful

Sounds from a world of things that makes sounds

Little vibrations that change the world

Little vibrations that my bran perceives to be good for me

Pulling me out of these jagged depths

Making me whole again

 There are so many things in this world. As many as stars in the sky. 

There are billions of people in this world. Billions of topics, billions of songs, billions of books. Billions of restaurants and dishes. 

We are so miniscule and insignificant in comparison. 

Yet our lives are all consuming and we curl in our own corner of familiarity. 

Changes are scary and sudden.

You would think in a world of connectivity that loneliness would cease to exist. 

Yet it sinks us into the depths of pain. Waking up alone. Sleeping alone. Doing nothing alone. 

Having a presence around makes it better and worse at the same time. Making it unable for one to sink into work, into my own thoughts without having another person influencing it, causing eddies in the beautiful flow I've formulated for myself.

Support comes so scarce these days. Or is it because I chose to grow. 

Maybe growth and learning comes with being comfortable in a place of uncomfortablility. And I should learn to be comfortable with myself. 

It's sad. It's isolating. It's giving up the most important things in the world. Ultimately, I don't think I'll ever see the world as it is. 

I need to information to know whether or not I should invest time into certain things and relationships. Where's the balance between having enough information to decide to give up, or sticking around to see the beautiful things that would've happened. 

I'm not wise enough. 

I'm impatient. Unable to get to the end fast enough, yet dreading the end at the same time.

What a paradox.

 Hey I'm writing again cause this helps me.

My heart is again, heavy today. I am very very lonely. It's been a very long time since I've been this lonely.

I think I need an exercise in gratitude. 

I have a place to live in. I can afford stupid mistakes, albeit barely scraping by, but at least there's that. I can afford to make those kinds of mistakes and I shouldn't beat myself up over them. I made the best decision that I could given the circumstances and the mental headspace that I've been in.

I can afford the medical treatment that I need and require. 

I have friends that will take time out of their day to call me and check in on me. They love me and I love them. 

I have family, even though they are far away, they support me or try their best to support me. 

I have my health. Nothing hurts and everything works. 

I have my looks. I'm not disfigured and I look decent. I'm a normal weight and young. 

I still have my youth. I have time on my hands.

I should be grateful. Life is good. 

I am grateful. Life is good. 

I own this beautiful house of mine. It's mine. 

I have the luxury of travelling and seeing people that are important to me. 

And things will be good. Things will be good. It's a beautiful sunny day. 

I can listen to music and it's beautiful. There's art and beauty in my life. 

 Talked to mom.

I want to record this moment cause I felt so connected to her.

I told her about how I felt like her love was conditional and how past events like her leaving me alone tramatized me and how I feel like I can't open up to her.

I even told her about Jaime. I asked her about her relationship with dad.

She offered to fly over. She wanted to be near me. She told me she loved me unconditionally and forever. 

She loves me forever.

In a world where I kiss you first

Salted butter on sourdough bread. Feeling the rich creaminess of the butter and the tanginess of the bread cutting through the smooth fat.

Us sitting on the couch, the living room illuminated by the glow of Westworld, the sounds of galloping horses and gunshots filling up the room. Our knees touching, tingling, enjoying the warmth radiating off of each other. 

There's a stiffness in my movements. Hesitation in the air. Uncertainty. 

What if I kissed you? 

What if I grabbed your face in my hands and run my fingers through your hair? 

If I put my body on yours and tasted the warmth of your breath, the remnants of cold butter on warm sourdough. 

If I let my insecurities go? Would you want me more? Would I want you less? 

The insurmountable relief when you took my hand and intertwined your fingers through it. The familiarity and the ritual of the chase. The feeling of acceptance that swarmed over me. My feelings weren't unrequited. 

Thank you.

For kissing me.