Hey it's me again.

These days it's been pretty calm. Doing my time in therapy, learning a lot about myself. What I like and dislike. What makes me feel good and what doesn't. I'm not there yet. I wouldn't say I'm happy as a person. But I'm content. 

I'm very content. 

There is nothing in my life that I dislike. There are some things that I would like to change, but it's nothing that is bothering me and making me unhappy.

I feel fat right now.

I know. I'm technically still underweight for my height. But I have tiny bones that weigh nothing. I bet I have the least dense bones in the world, just judging by how much I weigh, with the amount of fat that I'm looking at, that's on my stomach. And just based on how heavy I am when I look, normal.

I noticed I do lose a sense of humor/personality. It's odd. The more content I am, the less I have to talk about in life. I guess, a big part of my life truly was just complaining about things. Maybe I should just get fat. People always say fat people are funnier.

I think I should date, but I think I look pretty gross right now. Not that it matters if I truly want to find a partner but I'm not really feeling my best. 

Nor do I know what I want out of a partner. I just know what I don't want. 

I think I'm impatient too. I want things to be better. I want things to be great immediately. 

I'm never going to be a comedian. I tried out both sketch and standup comedy. And I came to a conclusion, I'm terrible and being funny. It's like trying to feed a dog medicine. It's puke on a carpet.

Look. That was terrible.

I do like the people I do these classes with though. So it just might be worth it to spend money to make friends. 

I like funny people. Maybe I should date one.

I think that's it. Date a comedian. Be the breadwinner of the family while the comedian dabbles in performances. And I'll just go to the performances on the weekends and have fun. Be the Vanessa to the Lin-Manuel. 

Any comedians out there wanna date me? I'm based in Chicago LOL shouldn't be difficult to find an aspiring comedian.

I used to think I was funny

Self depreciating humor, thought I was brainy.

Can't say that anymore, I got some self worth, can't hurt, got some therapy.

I had a rebirth, hence nowadays I ain't funny

I'm intense, I bring the common sense, and some pretense, I do the dance.

Is that better?

Is this me? that can't be. Am I finally free?

I don't know. I can't see.

Only several years from now, we'll see if this is truly me.

I fear then, I'll be further out in sea.

Losing sight of land. I'll nevermore play in the sand. 

 

I think I would want to write more.

Signed up for a writing program today starting in March.

I need the discipline to write, hence the structure of a writing program should be able to prompt me to draw words out of my brain.

I struggle with expressing my feelings a lot of the time. I beat myself up a lot over the most minuscule things.

I think my therapist is right. I do not love myself too much.

I have been blessed with intelligence and sometimes that is to my detriment. I get bored fast.

And I feel like being able to write well, to draw in an audience without boring them, is so important. In this day and age of the internet, literally, everybody can up and pretend to be a writer.

I have knowledge to drop on this world, but if I want to write, I want to do it well. I want to do it in a way that nobody would read my work and click away.

I was in the elevator today with Shri and we were talking about cabs. I have never ridden a yellow cab in my life. There was some lady in the elevator and she was appalled that I had never ridden on a cab before in my life. So, I think it should be on my bucket list to ride the cab home someday.

Justin texted me. It made me sad. Hearing from him always stir up bad memories for me, and it always makes me resent and mad at him. And if any good memories get stirred up, it also makes me sad that we won't make any more of those memories, and eventually, my memories of him will fade too.

It angers me that he deleted photos and sent me all of our photos. It seems a lot like he does not appreciate the time we had together.

Oh well. I think I should keep my distance. Love myself.

Hey

I forgotten that night in the lodge. That was by far one of the worst nights of my life. I could have died that night.

The night we went camping.

The night of Alex's housewarming party.

The night where we sat on the couch and you told me about all the things.

That day that we went to IKEA.

That night you came back from London, and we walked around the lake and ended up in your place.

The many nights I spent at your 420 W Wilson place.

When Django slept on the goddamn pillow.

When you took my pictures.

That night with Cadence.

Snide remarks and butt pinches.

I guess, I don't feel too much about it anymore. I hardly remember all of them.

Kinda sad that we aren't close. I am lonely. I miss the closeness of somebody. Anybody. Feels terrible to know that out of all the people in the world, I don't have any of MY people.

Why can't I be satisfied with life the way everybody else is? Maybe they aren't. But maybe getting over the initial hump of getting to know people is difficult.

It's like the goddamn stock market. At what point do you sell?

You treated me like a piece of shit. I don't know why I do not keep that in front of my brain when I think of you.

I don't know if I miss you or if I miss being in a relationship.

I don't know if I can ever be with you anymore. Just had a dream about you weirdly at my high school, teaching something apparently. Seems like it's because I was thinking of you and I had the conversation with my brother about people going back to high school and how much of a loser I think those people are.

I think I miss being in a relationship, cause there isn't specific aspects about you that I miss per se. It's more of hey I miss sticking my feet under your butt when we watch TV on the couch. Going to bed when you're already sleeping. Sex I guess. It's the routine I kinda miss. Then again, I never had the routines with anybody else, those are solely ours.

I guess I'll talk to you again in a couple months, see where we are then. Don't think you'll have changed at all. I don't think it'll work nevertheless.

I think I kinda hate you for suggesting we meet again in a year. Like fuck that. Now I'm only thinking about that.

Plus you hate my guts. That doesn't help either. You hating my guts kinda means you're still hung up on me. And it only reinforces that fact that you're an immature POS.

Anyways. Writing this so I won't obsess about stuff. I'm in Malaysia now and my visa got temporarily refused. And I'm oddly thinking about you pretty often. It's ridiculous. It's been a long time and I still think of you everyday. I don't know if it's because that was it? That you were my soulmate or if it's because I miss being in a relationship.

It's fucking ridiculous. I don't mind being home actually, it's pretty chill. Plus I get to hangout with my old friends ish. It's nice catching up I guess? I just need to work a little too. My brain is kinda just molting over time.

This post is a shit show. It's just me rambling about nothing. I think I need a therapy session.