Feelings #4

-

 I don't think you have been a good boyfriend to me. 

I have historically felt insecure in our relationship. I've always felt you had one leg out of the door and I felt as though I have not been able to talk about things that upset me. 

Lots of things also upset you and I spend a lot of my time tiptoeing around that. And instead of talking to me, trying to understand me, trying to work towards a problem together, it always becomes this tug of war of trying to change each other's minds.  And I feel as though I have changed a lot for you. We are fundamentally different and I've felt like I always tried to meet you halfway. And I don't think you have attempted to even do that for me. It's always been that you're right, and I'm wrong and you drop things but you still hold a lot against me and I can't do anything to change your mind or resolve your issues, help you heal.

I have needs and expectations to make me feel good. And I have expressed them to you and you've expressed that you don't want to do those. Fine. I came to not expect them of you and now I feel unloved and uncared for. I know you do a lot for the relationship but at the end of the day, I don't need a lot of that. And at the end of the day, I don't think it's been enough. 

It feels like you keep a tally of the things you've done and you've held it against me continuously. You've asked me multiple times, what do I (YX) have done for the relationship and you make statements that you single handedly mended the relationship.

I know I haven't been perfect too but I think I've tried and I gave it a good shot. 

What keeps me in the relationship for that long is the fact that I see glimpses of perfectness. Of a life ahead of us. Of you and me working well. But you've mentioned again, that it's a lot of effort on your part. I can't live the rest of my life like that. I guess this is the end.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Grandma

-
I always intend to spend more time with my grandma. She is just the cutest thing. I could describe her but she wouldn't be happy about it. She hates being old, the wrinkles, the liver spots, the being slow, the white hair. She doesn't like us paying any attention to all that. But she loves us so. Every time I go to her house, she would try, oh so very hard, to give us money. I'll be like "No, popo, I have enough spending money, spend that money on yourself!" And she'll respond with "I'm so old, I don't need so much money, I get money from interest in the bank." She always thinks she's a bother, she walks really slow so she always feel like when she's out with us she slows us down. My Popo is one of the strongest and most incredible woman I know. She got married when she was 16. And her husband died when her youngest child of six was three. And she single-handedly raised all of them. She washed clothes for people, she sta
Read more
-
Justin, I miss you so much. In good and bad ways. I miss telling you about my day and complaining about various scenarios while you listen and nod your head. I don't have anybody to talk about my day no more. Nobody cares. I miss sitting on the couch with you in our beautiful apartment. The one we made into our home. Our idiotic fish, our insanely intelligent and cowardly dog, the statement wall, the kitchen with all the plants, and of course our absent roommate. I miss cuddling in bed, feeling warm and wanted and loved. I was thinking about the one time you had jury duty, and you picked me up at Holos to have lunch with you at Willy Street. It's weird that whenever I spend time with you, I get into this floaty state, where reality isn't real anymore. I also think of you. I saw a picture of Jeanette today since it's Allison's birthday, and all I could think of was you wanting to date her. She looked hot. I felt a pang of hate towards you again. I was thinkin
Read more
-
 Back at it again. Was looking through a list of free hobbies and some of those things on there are outrageous. Things like knitting and crocheting, reading, drawing, gardening Do these people even know how much these hobbies can cost? I knit and crochet pretty frequently. Sure, needles are pretty cheap, and they are a one time purchase. That'll run you, perhaps $30 to $40 for a full set. But yarn, yarn is fucking expensive. I spent over $100 bucks on yarn just to create a blanket. And it was one of those granny square crochet along blanket, just to learn how to crochet. Bitch, yarn is expensive. Especially when you want to create more elaborate designs, you'll have to buy like 50 colors. And it clutters the fuck out of your space. Cause most projects take like half a ball of yarn, and you're always left with weird colors, texture and weights of yarn that you bought specifically for a project and now you're stuck with it forever.  Reading. Sure, you can borrow books fro
Read more