I should be writing down more of my life. 

Sometimes I feel like I just live day to day without any lasting effects in this world. Yet I'm not sure how to change that. How to have meaningful days. I feel like I want to make big changes yet I'm unable to.

Maybe I'm impatient and trying to jump to the end and I shouldn't be doing that. Maybe it takes day to day effort to be able to make a big change. 

Maybe I'm not marketing myself enough and I'm not being proactive enough or maybe I don't have the grit to do a lot of things.

I should check with my mortgage company to see if they are covering taxes or if that's something I have to worry about.

I don't think I prioritize the right stuff most times. 

Music heals me

 I can't describe the patterns that pop up in my head

The lilting sounds that bounce from a note to another, however arbitrary a note can be

Or sounds that exist in a jagged pattern, lacking the curves that make it beautiful

Sounds from a world of things that makes sounds

Little vibrations that change the world

Little vibrations that my bran perceives to be good for me

Pulling me out of these jagged depths

Making me whole again

 There are so many things in this world. As many as stars in the sky. 

There are billions of people in this world. Billions of topics, billions of songs, billions of books. Billions of restaurants and dishes. 

We are so miniscule and insignificant in comparison. 

Yet our lives are all consuming and we curl in our own corner of familiarity. 

Changes are scary and sudden.

You would think in a world of connectivity that loneliness would cease to exist. 

Yet it sinks us into the depths of pain. Waking up alone. Sleeping alone. Doing nothing alone. 

Having a presence around makes it better and worse at the same time. Making it unable for one to sink into work, into my own thoughts without having another person influencing it, causing eddies in the beautiful flow I've formulated for myself.

Support comes so scarce these days. Or is it because I chose to grow. 

Maybe growth and learning comes with being comfortable in a place of uncomfortablility. And I should learn to be comfortable with myself. 

It's sad. It's isolating. It's giving up the most important things in the world. Ultimately, I don't think I'll ever see the world as it is. 

I need to information to know whether or not I should invest time into certain things and relationships. Where's the balance between having enough information to decide to give up, or sticking around to see the beautiful things that would've happened. 

I'm not wise enough. 

I'm impatient. Unable to get to the end fast enough, yet dreading the end at the same time.

What a paradox.

 Hey I'm writing again cause this helps me.

My heart is again, heavy today. I am very very lonely. It's been a very long time since I've been this lonely.

I think I need an exercise in gratitude. 

I have a place to live in. I can afford stupid mistakes, albeit barely scraping by, but at least there's that. I can afford to make those kinds of mistakes and I shouldn't beat myself up over them. I made the best decision that I could given the circumstances and the mental headspace that I've been in.

I can afford the medical treatment that I need and require. 

I have friends that will take time out of their day to call me and check in on me. They love me and I love them. 

I have family, even though they are far away, they support me or try their best to support me. 

I have my health. Nothing hurts and everything works. 

I have my looks. I'm not disfigured and I look decent. I'm a normal weight and young. 

I still have my youth. I have time on my hands.

I should be grateful. Life is good. 

I am grateful. Life is good. 

I own this beautiful house of mine. It's mine. 

I have the luxury of travelling and seeing people that are important to me. 

And things will be good. Things will be good. It's a beautiful sunny day. 

I can listen to music and it's beautiful. There's art and beauty in my life. 

 Talked to mom.

I want to record this moment cause I felt so connected to her.

I told her about how I felt like her love was conditional and how past events like her leaving me alone tramatized me and how I feel like I can't open up to her.

I even told her about Jaime. I asked her about her relationship with dad.

She offered to fly over. She wanted to be near me. She told me she loved me unconditionally and forever. 

She loves me forever.

In a world where I kiss you first

Salted butter on sourdough bread. Feeling the rich creaminess of the butter and the tanginess of the bread cutting through the smooth fat.

Us sitting on the couch, the living room illuminated by the glow of Westworld, the sounds of galloping horses and gunshots filling up the room. Our knees touching, tingling, enjoying the warmth radiating off of each other. 

There's a stiffness in my movements. Hesitation in the air. Uncertainty. 

What if I kissed you? 

What if I grabbed your face in my hands and run my fingers through your hair? 

If I put my body on yours and tasted the warmth of your breath, the remnants of cold butter on warm sourdough. 

If I let my insecurities go? Would you want me more? Would I want you less? 

The insurmountable relief when you took my hand and intertwined your fingers through it. The familiarity and the ritual of the chase. The feeling of acceptance that swarmed over me. My feelings weren't unrequited. 

Thank you.

For kissing me. 

 Listening to Glass Animals now, and they've got me feeling a certain kind of way. 

I think the key to everything is consistency, and unfortunately, I suffer from the lack of discipline and consistency. 

Listening to Helium by Glass Animals, I would describe it as dreamy, makes me think of Sunday mornings, cup of coffee and a book, I guess I would categorize it as futuristic too, somewhat ethereal.

I'm trying to learn how to appreciate art. The feelings and emotions that artists are trying to convey with notes. It's weird how certain frequencies are able to evoke memories and feelings in people. 

I think I just humans really fascinating. The things that we come up with. The abstractness of ideas that we seemingly seem to grasp.

I'm wondering if my dear pup Barry would ever learn the things that we do. Like the fucking monetary system. I bet it blows his mind the things I do to create money and using money to exchange for things instead. In Barry's brain, he sees it, he wants it, he takes it. 

Sounds condescending. But he's a dog.