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I don't know what I want to do in life.

I think I am a drifter by nature. The life where I settle down in one place might just never and won't happen. 

I like living in different places. Maybe I'm just destined to live in many places in my life.

I don't know what to do. While I feel as though time just slips through my fingers, somehow I'm unable to do the things I want to do, yet I'm doing all the things that I don't want to do.

My to-do list keeps piling up everyday. And with each day that I work, I'm unable to find the energy to do anything anymore. 

I keep thinking I just need more time, but maybe that's not it. Maybe I lack the organization to do things. Or maybe I just lack the energy in general. 

I want to be good-good in algorithms. Having enough tools in my tool kit such that I'm able to have a concept or at least an idea of how I'm supposed to do problems. Being able to visualize and understand problems in a way that I never was able to.

I want to try competitive programming. Being able to solve problems with a time limit should be such a fucking rush. 

I want to learn how to produce music. I want to be able to create beautiful melodies and beautiful beats with just a wave of my hand, a tap of my fingers. I want to let the melody that's brewing in my head out into the world, rather than letting it disappear into thin air.

I want to meet interesting people. People I vibe with, people I can find motivation in, people I aspire to be. People that I want to spend more time with. People I can share things with, depend on and be depended on.

I want to be healthy. To feel like my body is youthful. To be able to do the things I want to do. To feel good in my body. To be grateful each day that my joints work and my fingers are nimble and my legs can carry my weight.

I want to go on adventures. Venture out into the world. See sights and experiences that I've never seen and experience before. Bring my boy Barry along with me.

And every time I let myself down.

I don't understand why that is. 

Maybe I do know what I want, and the reason why I think I don't is that I'm afraid to try. I'm afraid to strive for these things and ultimately be disappointed that I'm not good enough. That I'm unable to live the life that I want.

I love a lot of the things that I own.

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